Letting Go

Letting Go 

     Just let go and let God. Let go and trust God. Who hasn’t heard some variation of those directives. And who hasn’t thought to themselves or even said out loud, “But what if …?” There’s nothing easy about letting go of things we’ve held tightly to. Starting a statement with ‘just’ gives the sense of this action being easy. Just walk away. Just stand up. Just close your eyes. These directives are easy, or so they seem.

     In my current situation, I’m learning more and more what it truly looks like to ‘let go.’ In April of this year, my husband and I came to the mutual decision that it is time to move again. This came after many conversations and prayer. The recurring thoughts of selling our current house and what the next stage of our lives would be, led us to believe it’s that time … again. The longest he and I have lived anywhere is five years. The home we lived in at that time was a double-wide we had set on four acres we purchased from my parents. This property was next to where I grew up. So familiar. So beautiful. So much ‘home’ to me. I even declared as our double-wide halves were being driven onto the property, “I’m finally home.” At the time I had no understanding about Heaven being my true home. I knew God, however, not in an intimate way.

     After living in the double-wide for five years, God revealed it was time to move on into what he had for us next. Here we are about twenty years later, in a similar position. Only this time, we aren’t as certain as to what’s next for us in the way of living arrangements. When we moved from that beautiful homey location near my parents, we knew we were buying a house about thirty minutes away from that location. At this juncture, we know few things.

  1. We are to live simply and simply live. All but necessities are to be let go of.
  2. God won’t let us know what’s next until we leave what’s right now. 
  3. Our home for the summer is our new camper which will be settled nicely on a seasonal lot in the town we know we are being drawn to.
  4. Listed last, however, it was the first thing we knew for sure. Abba is drawing my husband and I back to the town I grew up in. The town our double-wide was in.

     The process of moving, this time, has been very different. Each time we’ve moved until now, we would downsize and ‘let go’ of things, however, this time is so much different because of only keeping necessities. As we cleaned and prepped the house to sell, I began to ask myself and God, “What do I truly need?” There were several items I didn’t need to ask, God whispered sweetly in my ear, “Let it go.” My third time sorting through my closet, Abba gently guided me in seeing, “it’s time to let someone else enjoy that.” This was the message with several of my favorite clothing items.

     Probably the most difficult part of letting go of so many things was the time I spent going through the pictures, clothes, and belongings of my loved ones who’ve passed away. Moving through the process led me into another layer of grieving. I went through almost forty-eight hours of feeling immensely heavy-hearted. I asked Abba what was going on with me because I felt so weighed down I couldn’t even bring myself to fake a smile. He said, in his most loving way, “You are grieving many things.” This made complete sense to me. Quickly I recalled all the pictures and such I had looked through. The items I threw away and gave away and the little bit I placed into a tote to store. The memories. The emotions that went along with all those things. Not to mention the reality of grieving a complete lifestyle change. I am walking through another layer and a new layer of mourning that I’ve not experienced before.  

     “Oh Father, thank you for helping me to see this. Now I have some idea of how to proceed. Grieving, I’m well versed in grieving. My mom passed away nearly twenty-one years ago. We are almost to the eleventh anniversary of our son’s passing. I find God’s timing to be beyond words. Our first camper payment is due July fourth, the date our son was taken from us through a motorcycle accident. Our moving date is July eleventh, the date we said our goodbyes to Tad through his funeral. No coincidence, God-incidence. My dad and in-laws have also passed. I’m no stranger to mourning. It’s hard stuff!

     Next Father shared with me that he’s preparing me for my journey ahead. It’s so beautiful to me how God cares for me. He takes time to prepare me for the big things in life. The love of God, I just cannot grasp.

Letting go. 

Letting go of my expectations.

Letting go of the ‘things’ I’ve found my security in, outside of God.

Letting go of the stuff I held onto because it belonged to someone special to me.

Letting go of fears.

Letting go of my need for control of the present and the future.

Letting go. 

For more on my journey and how coaching can guide you on yours, contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com.

For more on Prepare-Journey-Debrief-Repeat. And journal along the way. Order my book Wilderness Journey Living Journal: Taking Steps Toward God by emailing me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com

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The Mirror was Cloudy

 As I entered my room, I saw the bathroom mirror was slightly cloudy.

I’m struggling to admit and recognize where I am. I’m struggling to accept that, even though I ‘know’ Truth, those words could be said by God, or anyone else, to me. I know the ugliness inside of me. I feel like I don’t deserve God’s love and forgiveness even though I know we all fall short. I feel closed off. I feel like an imposter.

To trust … I have to let my guard down.

I want to be seen and known and at the same time, I want to hide. I want to be seen and known by Jesus. Shame over past decisions of my own and others made for me, make me want to hide.

The mirror is more cloudy.

I keep holding onto my sin as a badge, allowing the enemy to keep a grip on me. UGH!

“Open, shut them, open, shut them,” this childhood song plays in my mind as I see the pattern of my own making. I start to open up to what God is saying to me, and just that quickly, I shut down. I start to open up again and soon the vault door closes … again. 

My habits have muscle memory. 

I couldn’t sing ‘Run to the Father’ because I felt that I didn’t deserve to run to the Father and be comforted by him.

God is always healing. I want to accept his healing. Jesus goes out of his way to meet with me. Jesus does not condemn me. He is so kind.

The mirror is more cloudy. 

I need to realize where I am. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus came so that I may have a full life.

In prayer, I see myself on a bluff with the Holy Spirit. He’s tall, strong, loving, and comforting. He gave me the name Domicile. I am a dwelling place, a home. He embraces me with his strong arms and I lean into his chest. 

I see many trees with beautifully colored Autumn leaves. A canopy of beauty. 

God is inviting me to come out of hiding. 

The mirror is cloudy because I haven’t been seeing myself clearly. 

A realization that I’m in a battle over my beauty. 

A false belief my whole life that I can’t be beautiful. I’m forced to search for the reasons why I have believed this.

~ As a little girl, I was constantly called a boy no matter how I was dressed or how long my hair was. Conclusion: Boys can’t be beautiful.

~ Comparing myself to others. If they are the standard for beauty, I can’t be beautiful because I don’t look like them.

~ I’ve sinned. I’ve made wrong choices. I’ve thought ugly thoughts. Conclusion: I can’t be beautiful. I can’t look at God or others in the eye because of my ugly sin.

~ The belief that I will never measure up to _____ so I can’t be beautiful.

“Please Lord Jesus, help me to see myself as your bride.”

“My Beloved, will you be my bride?”

“Yes, I will.”

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OUT OF FEAR…QUESTIONS & EXCUSES

Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.”

When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!”

And Moses said, “Here I am.”

“Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.” Then he said, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.” At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God.

The Lord said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. 10 So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.”

11 But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”

12 And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.”

13 Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”

14 God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I am has sent me to you.’”

15 God also said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.’

“This is my name forever,
    the name you shall call me
    from generation to generation.

16 “Go, assemble the elders of Israel and say to them, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob—appeared to me and said: I have watched over you and have seen what has been done to you in Egypt. 17 And I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—a land flowing with milk and honey.’

18 “The elders of Israel will listen to you. Then you and the elders are to go to the king of Egypt and say to him, ‘The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us. Let us take a three-day journey into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to the Lord our God.’ 19 But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand compels him. 20 So I will stretch out my hand and strike the Egyptians with all the wonders that I will perform among them. After that, he will let you go.

21 “And I will make the Egyptians favorably disposed toward this people, so that when you leave you will not go empty-handed. 22 Every woman is to ask her neighbor and any woman living in her house for articles of silver and gold and for clothing, which you will put on your sons and daughters. And so you will plunder the Egyptians.”

Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?”

Then the Lord said to him, “What is that in your hand?”

“A staff,” he replied.

The Lord said, “Throw it on the ground.”

Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it. Then the Lord said to him, “Reach out your hand and take it by the tail.” So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand. “This,” said the Lord, “is so that they may believe that the Lord, the God of their fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has appeared to you.”

Then the Lord said, “Put your hand inside your cloak.” So Moses put his hand into his cloak, and when he took it out, the skin was leprous—it had become as white as snow.

“Now put it back into your cloak,” he said. So Moses put his hand back into his cloak, and when he took it out, it was restored, like the rest of his flesh.

Then the Lord said, “If they do not believe you or pay attention to the first sign, they may believe the second. But if they do not believe these two signs or listen to you, take some water from the Nile and pour it on the dry ground. The water you take from the river will become blood on the ground.”

10 Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

11 The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? 12 Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”

13 But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.”

14 Then the Lord’s anger burned against Moses and he said, “What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and he will be glad to see you. 15 You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. 16 He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him. 17 But take this staff in your hand so you can perform the signs with it.” (Exodus 3:1-22; 4:1-17 NIV) This is a long passage of Scripture to include in this post; however, I felt it helpful to include for understanding what I am sharing with you today.

Have you ever read a passage of Scripture and immediately felt the righteous conviction of the Holy Spirit? For me, this has happened many times; including recently, after reading the above passage from Exodus. Upon finishing my read up to Exodus 4:17, I realized that I have responded to God in a way similar to Moses. When God gave Moses his ‘mission’ and even shared with him the response that he would get, Moses replied respectfully to God with the reasons why he wasn’t ‘the man for the job.’

NOTE: My goal here is not to compare myself to Moses, but to share what has been laid on my heart that my own responses have been to God; over the years, when He has given my my own ‘mission.’ To simplify these similarities I am sharing them in a chart format.

God/I AMMosesMyself
God shows Himself to Moses in a non-consuming burning bush;
God tell Moses that he’s standing on Holy Ground
God declares that He’s the God of Moses’ father and Abraham, Isaac, and JacobMoses responds by hiding his faceOver and over again; in my life, God has shown me His presence in my life, His provision, His faithfulness, and His divine Love.
God gives Moses his mission to bring the Israelites out of Egypt with detailed instructions

Moses questions God: “Who am I?”God revealed to me a formal calling of going into pastoral ministry.
I believed my husbands dreams were more important than my own calling and I pushed back saying yes to God until I couldn’t say ‘no’ any longer (about 5 years). I also believed the lie, “Who am I that God could use ‘me’ ?”
God reassures Moses that He will be with him and that he will succeedMoses questions God: “What if people ask for God’s name?”Through the years of serving in ministry, God has shown me that He is with me; however, I have also offered God many ‘What If’ questions. What if someone asks my a Bible question or a question about God and I don’t know how to answer.
God responds to Moses’ question: I AM (the One who creates or brings into being);
the God of your fathers; the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob;
God gives detailed instructions in meeting with the Israelite elders and assures Moses that they will listen;
and taking the elders to the king of Egypt, including what to tell him, what it would take for the king to listen; and that the Egyptians would give the Israelites much, including gold & silver
Moses questions God: “What if they don’t believe me or listen to me?”Again with ‘What if ‘ questions; What if someone questions what I say; What if people ignore me; and so on.
God responds to Moses’ question with the gift of three signs: the staff, the leprous hand, and river water turned to bloodMoses gives God the excuse that he has slow speech and tongue.There’s been many times where I have bulked at God’s prompting for me to speak before others because I am not a dynamic charismatic speaker or someone that draws others to them. My insecurity becomes my excuse, until God pushes me forward.
God responds to Moses’ excuse with questions of who gave…, who makes…, who gives… Then God says ‘now go and I will help you and teach you what to say’Moses offers God a soft refusal by saying; “Please send someone else.”I don’t recall coming out and saying ‘Please send someone else’ to God or telling Him that I won’t do what He’s prompting me to do; however, by not stepping out in faith and by allowing my doubts and insecurities make my decisions for me, I am basically telling God to send someone else.
God responds to Moses’ soft refusal with adding in Moses’ brother Aaron and a reminder to take the staff for the signs to performMoses goes.God’s enlightening me with these similarities has been an eye-opener for me in stepping out in faith and trusting that God knows and is in control of the outcomes in what He’s asking me to do. Now I will respond, “Here I am, Lord; please send me, Your servant is listening.”

#TheLordProvides #TheLordSees #TheLordisThere

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