[From Part 3] Through years of healing, prayer, and study, I’ve learned my little girl mind subconsciously developed ways to protect myself by avoiding hard situations and trying to be perfect so as to not do anything ‘deserving of a spankin’. All the while, what was happening was unconsciously agreeing with the words spoken over me. By agreeing with the words, the lies, I made agreements with the enemy of my soul which he was all too happy to hold me to. These agreements or self protective vows were how my wounded mind and heart tried to protect me. What it actually did was keep me in a deep cycle of constant, sometimes subconscious, emotional and spiritual pain. The way out, the way to healing, began with Jesus.
I feel this is a great point to stop and recap what I’ve shared so far. We are looking at four barriers to communication in Becoming Deep Real Authentic Women of God. Barriers can be spiritual and/or emotional chains that bind us and keep us from being free to be who God has created us to be.
Fears. In looking at where fears come from, seeds are planted, watered, and grow from wounds in our past experiences.
Past. Our wounds from the past/our childhood, left open can keep us shackled to fear and unforgiveness, making connections with God and others difficult. The way out, the way to healing, begins with Jesus.
Perspective.
Each of us have our own lenses or perspective we see life through. This perspective is tinted by life experiences, personality, DNA, and more. We have all learned through the feelings and beliefs about ourselves that have been stored up and treasured through our lives. This makes up our perspective about ourselves, God, and others.
A reality for each of us to face is that the enemy/Satan wants us to believe we have nothing to offer God or anyone else. This perspective, or belief, is a lie. When we live out of this perspective, it causes a barrier in our relationships. Our living out of the perspective that we’re insignificant or what we have to say isn’t wanted by anyone, can lead to not sharing with the world the gifts God has given to us for his plan and purpose. I’ve personally lived in this way.
Most of my adult life has been spent making decisions based on the belief I’m not as important as everyone else. That I don’t have anything to offer others, especially the God of the Universe. My belief that I would fail, and fear if I succeeded, kept me from using my God-given gifts. Thankfully, God has been working gently and kindly to reshape my perspective and beliefs. While I’m far from the masterpiece Abba has created me to be, I’m much closer than I was five years ago. Even three years ago.
Instead of us celebrating who we truly are in Christ, the enemy wants us disengaged, lifeless and constantly mourning who we wished we were. He wants nothing more than to see us crippled by self-doubt and drowning in insecurity. We are pushed further away from God and others when we fall into the trap of believing these lies. In a very real sense, we are then locking the door to our hearts from the inside. I have experienced this many times.
Growing up with the insecurities I had led me to believe no one would want to be my friend and for sure, no one would want to marry me. Fortunately I was wrong. I have many friends and my husband and I have been married since 1990. Being an introvert and feeling this way about myself has made it very difficult to open myself up to relationships. This is another example of how our perspective can be a barrier to connection.
The fears that we have developed through our past experiences have not only given way to how we view our present (our perspective), it also plays a large role in the priorities we set in our lives today.
In Part 5, we will talk about our priorities as barriers to Becoming Deep Real Authentic Women of God.
#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection
Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to talk about how your perspective is influencing your life and the decisions you are making.
The truth is: The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle.
“We look at ourselves in the mirror multiple times a day. There’s the mirror in the bathroom that says the makeup looks good, the hair is in place, and that shirt matches the sweater. There are mirrors at the gym that tell us we’re making progress-or that we’ve got a long way to go.
But it’s not just physical mirrors that are powerful. We each have mirrors within us:
The mirror of a little boy looking up and catching his mom’s first reaction of disappointment.
The mirror of going to middle school, thinking, Wow, I really look cool in this new outfit, and then realizing three minutes later in the hallway that you not only don’t look cool but people are laughing at you.
The mirror of disapproval from a spouse.
The mirror of a boss who says, “You don’t measure up.”
The mirror of a coach or teacher who said you were dumb or lazy.
The mirror of the media that says if you don’t have a perfect body, you’re not acceptable.
These mirrors create a composite picture in our minds and tell us who we are.” Chip Ingram stops there; however, I’m adding that these mirrors also inform the way we view our worth and can foster self-doubt.
Our family of origin, teachers, coaches, and others close to us have a powerful influence on how worthwhile we see ourselves.
Their influences can lead us to see our gifts and abilities.
They can inspire us positively.
Or, their influences can be a source of feelings of insecurity, inferiority, self doubt, or superiority.
Consciously, or unconsciously, we may believe that our value comes from what we can do instead of who we are.
These feelings can lead to unhealthy habits; such as, withdrawing to avoid rejection or overachieving to prove everyone wrong.
We may try to medicate the pain with alcohol, drugs, sex, retail therapy, food, social media, or anything else that may seem to fill the void.
Or, we may give in to living with unfulfilled longings for acceptance and significance.
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle.
In Luke chapter 8 verses 42b-48, there’s a story about a woman who likely battled over ten years with self-doubt and longings for acceptance and significance. Luke writes:
“As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 43 And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. 44 She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
45 “Who touched me?” Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.”
46 But Jesus said, “Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.”
47 Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. 48 Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”
In an instant, the woman went from battling a condition that left her isolated and labeled as unclean. She was forbidden to touch anyone; or anything that belonged to another. The mirrors she looked into told her she was alone, unclean, unacceptable, unworthy. And there was nothing she could do about it. But wait. She had heard enough about this Jesus of Nazareth and believed he could heal her with just a touch of the hem of his garment. In my mind, I’m wondering about her inner dialogue as she saw Jesus and her opportunity for healing so close to her. It could have sounded like:
“They call me unclean. They reject me. My own family won’t come near me. What if Jesus rejects me as well? What if I touch him and nothing changes? What if, what if? I have to push past this. I have to push past what they say about me. I have to try. I know he can heal me. I’m going for it..now.”
In an instant she was healed and Jesus drew her out of the crowd. It was worth being called out by Jesus because she knew in an instant that she was accepted, loved, healed. The journey to that point was long and difficult. Can you relate to any of her story?
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle.
Have you ever struggled with self-doubt? You’re not alone. I’m on the journey with you.
So, how do we get from self-doubt or feeling worth-less to gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth in Christ? I believe our next step is looking past our self-doubt.
Chip Ingram shares in his book ‘Discover Your True Self,’ “Few of us realize it, but much of what we do is an effort to prove our significance, to show that we are important, valuable, competent, or accepted.
Different cultures and families come up with different ways to answer these questions, but the human race as a whole has been brainwashed to believe our significance is not found in who we are but in what we do and what others think about us. We are on a universal search to answer a universal question: Am I worth it?”
God placed within our stories a need to know that we matter, that we are valuable, and worthwhile.
When the mirrors that we have looked into tell us anything but God’s Truth of our worth, our perspective becomes distorted and can lead us into unhealthy habits. These habits can lead to struggles and addictions.
To answer the question, Am I worth it, we may look to one or more of the following:
Success in our careers, achievements, awards, promotions, positions, or through our children’s achievements.
We may look to educational titles, money or wealth, possessions, image or reputation, knowing the ‘right’ people, popularity, or ministry service to God.
Compulsion to perfectionism may come from our need for success and approval. Or, we may withdraw to avoid failure.
Several beliefs can come out of the lie that we are worth-less or insignificant.
One such belief is that of avoiding failure at all costs or believing it’s better to not try than to try and fail.
Another is that we have to work harder and longer to be a success so that we aren’t a failure.
We may believe that if people really know us, they will reject us.
Another belief is that we are a prisoner of the opinions of the important, influential people in our life. With this, we may believe that disagreeing with these people will harm our relationship irreparably, so we attempt to please everyone which creates an unhealthy lifestyle.
Did you recognize ways that you have sought to answer the question, ‘Am I worth it?’
Looking past the mirror of our self-doubt and to the words of Isaiah 43, we learn a part of what God says about how much his children are worth to him.
1 “But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. 5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. 6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’ Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth— 7 everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” 15 I am the Lord, your Holy One, Israel’s Creator, your King.”
16 This is what the Lord says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, 17 who drew out the chariots and horses, the army and reinforcements together, and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuffed out like a wick: 18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. 20 The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, 21 the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.
Let’s go back to verses 1-3a. This time we are going to personalize the passage to bring it closer to our own hearts. Read the passage aloud. When you get to Jacob, I want you to say your name. Then when you get to Israel, I want you to say ‘daughter or son.’ As we read this, envision your Abba or Daddy saying this to you personally.
1 “But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, _________, he who formed you, Daughter/Son: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
To look past our self-doubt requires us to know and accept what our Father says about us. We are his.
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle. It’s important to look past our self doubt… to look at God and his plan for you.
How do we look AT God? How can we know his plan for us? The answers to both of these questions are: read, study, meditate on his Word, and pray.
God’s Word teaches us about him. Through his Word, we learn many things about the Lord’s name and character.
He is our Creator, Provider, Redeemer, Peace, Righteousness, Rock, Refuge, Fortress, King, Abba Father, Healer, Sanctifier, Shepherd, Lord. He sees all things. He knows all things. He exists outside of time so he can be in our past, our present, and our future. He is Jehovah Shammah, our Lord who is there. And he’s so much more.
God’s Word teaches us about ourselves. And it teaches us how much we are worth to God. I will let his Word speak…
Revelation 4:11 NIV “You are worthy, our Lord and God,to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were createdand have their being.”
Psalm 139:13-16 NIV. “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
2 Chronicles 32:8 NIV “With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles.” And the people gained confidence from what Hezekiah the king of Judah said.”
Isaiah 41:10 NIV “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Psalm 34:5 NIV “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
Philippians 1:6 NIV “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:13 NIV “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Hebrews 10:35-36 NIV “35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. 36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”
Ephesians 2:10 NLT “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
I want to tell you a story about a little girl. She was the younger of two sisters. She grew up encapsulated in fears and relied on her big sister for a lot. Being only 14 months younger than her sibling, she was always attached to her sister’s side. This precious little girl was fearful because of the mirrors that spoke to her as she grew up.
One mirror told her she would never measure up.
One mirror told her that she always did something wrong so deserved punishment.
One mirror said she was worth less than her older sister.
There were so many mirrors that told lies to her. She grew to believe the lies because the mirrors kept speaking the same things to her.
This little girl grew into a young lady that made many decisions based on the lies she believed from her childhood. She was convinced that no guy would want to marry her because of how horrible she was.
Insecurity plagued her. She was terrified to talk to people, especially the male persuasion. As a teenager she discovered that drinking alcohol gave her courage to talk to people. It also helped her to loosen up so she could have fun. Unfortunately, alcohol also made it even easier for her to go too far with guys she dated. Her fears would kick in and she couldn’t find the courage to say ‘no’ to guys when they wanted to explore her body.
This led to habits she grew to regret and a relationship that just led to feeling even worse about herself.
Fast forward several years. After getting married and having a couple of kids, this young gal found herself knowing she needed to get back to church. Finally understanding what God had to do with her, she began to realize the lies she believed for so many years and where they came from. Over the course of many years God used many people and resources to help this daughter to see him more clearly and to see herself more clearly. She has come a long way on her journey. She still struggles sometimes. She doesn’t have it all together, but who does? She’s still fighting the battle because it doesn’t end this side of Heaven. However, she now knows whose and who she is and that gives her the courage to keep moving toward God and the plan he has for her life.
I am very familiar with this gal’s story because it is mine.
Deep down, I’m still that little girl that was fed lies. Only now, God has armed me with his truth to combat those lies. I am on the journey to gut-level knowledge and acceptance of my worth in Christ.
Will you join me on the journey?
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle. God told me, “Look past your self-doubt. Instead, look at me and what I have planned for you.”
The mirrors that have spoken lies to us through the years have contributed to our believing that we don’t measure up, we are somehow worth-less, and therefore doubting ourselves.
For more of the story contact Amy at: soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com
Lately, I have been considering what we; as human beings, take onto ourselves that really isn’t our responsibility. As parents, we tend to take on everything that is attached to our children; this is expected when they are little and unable to do for themselves, but when they become older and are able to do more for themselves it’s time for us to ‘let go’ and allow them; even push them, to do things for themselves even if they stumble or fail. Am I preaching on this? Maybe or maybe it’s just that I have lived this for myself and have learned the hard way; as we humans tend to do, that because out of love for my kids I did so many things for them, I actually handicapped them from learning how to stand on their own two feet and do for themselves. This led to my kids relying on; even expecting, that I would just do much for them that is actually their responsibility as an adult, a spouse, and a parent. My intent was to love them and do all I could for them because I wanted to be the ‘perfect’ mom. While my heart was in a good place, my choices and actions were misguided. In looking at the definition of a helicopter parent, I would say that I was one. Now, I can say that I am recovering from that; however, the damage is done. It is said that a helicopter parent is involved in every area of a child’s life out of the desire to give them all the things that they lacked in their own childhood or the fear of dire consequences, among other possible motivations. This is understandable and I believe that it is done with a heart of love; however, the outcomes for the child may not so loving.
Some negative outcomes to helicopter parenting are:
It can lead to poor coping and problem-solving skills.
It can results in a poor sense of self; low self-confidence and a low self esteem, and therefore lead to various mental health conditions.
The child can develop a sense of entitlement; that the parent(s) will always provide for all of their needs.
The child may develop lower patience levels and higher frustration bars.
“Well that is not it! Keeping your child under your surveillance 24/7 and protecting them in a small shell with no interaction with the world, accompanes various other issues. The chances of kids with helicopter parents developing signs and symptoms of depression and anxiety is higher when compared to those who practice other parenting styles. Some of the underlying reasons that explains this link between helicopter parenting and depression and anxiety are:
Nervousness to make decisions on their own.
Less chances of being open to new ideas makes them self-conscious.
The fear of failure becomes overwhelming.
Difficulty identifying what truly drives them makes them question themselves.
Of course there’s good that comes from being a helicopter parent as well.
These parents are always aware of what is going on with their kids.
If there’s something that needs to be addressed and resolved, they tend to take care of it.
Children of helicopter parents tend to feel loved and wanted.
With the maternal support, these kids tend to develop socially acceptable behavior.
These kiddos tend to excel emotionally and academically in their lives.
I don’t know if others have coined this term or not; but I have seen a parenting style emerge that I call a curler parent. In the sport of curling “Curlers sweep the ice to help the stone travel farther and straighter. Sweeping in front of the stone reduces friction and helps the curlers control the amount of curl the stone undergoes. The sweeping quickly heats and melts the pebbles on the ice leaving a film of water. This film reduces the friction between the stone and ice. The curling team is strategic in how much sweeping they do in front of each stone. If they want a stone to travel farther with less curl, they sweep more. If they want more curl or shorter travel, they do less sweeping. The position of the sweepers is also strategic. The sweeper closer to the stone has more influence because the stone has more time to travel over the water film before it re-freezes. Curling is the only sport where you can change the direction of a projectile once it leaves the thrower’s hand.” (according to the Smithsonian Science Education Center)
This reminds me of the times that I tried to look ahead and smooth their path so that they wouldn’t have a rough time in whatever they were experiencing. I; out of love and a misguided sense of parenting, thought that it was being a good mom if I made sure to make things easier for them. I thought I was helping them by making sure their path was smooth and they didn’t have to experience hurt and heartache. In hindsight, I really wish that I understand thirty-something years ago how wrong my thoughts of parenting were and looked more to how God parents His children. I now see and understand that the best we can do as parents is to provide protection for them that is conducive to their growth and development and empower them to make choices and decisions that are age appropriate; and then allow them to suffer the natural consequences that occur with the choices that they make. Parenting our children has different phases and stages and they are dependent on the age and situation that our kids are in. When they are infants, they rely on us for all things; that is expected. As they grow into toddlers, they need our support, encouragement, and nudge to reach each new developmental step of physical, emotional, and spiritual growth. As they begin to be able to comprehend consequences to choices at the age of three, it is appropriate to start to give them small choices like do you want to wear this or that; our would you like to each an orange or an apple. If there’s consequences to these choices, it’s okay for them to be uncomfortable as they venture through them; we need to not give into their discomfort, they will be okay. As kiddos grow and the decisions grow, we need to make sure that we are releasing them to make bigger, more age appropriate decisions and continue to let them be uncomfortable through the consequences. As they get into teenage years, our kiddos need us to be their coach and cheerleader and disciplinarian when warranted. The foundation is laid for these years as they grow from infancy. Once they are teens, the time to parent them as we used to has changed and it is a necessary change for moving on into adulthood. As a parent of adult children, I have looked back and learned much from the way I parented my two kids and the ways that I wished that I had done things differently. One thing that I don’t regret is that my kids; and now my grandkids, have no doubt in their minds that I love them and all that I do for them is out of the love that I have for them. Whether or not I have made right choices in how I parented my kids, I pray that all the things that I have learned through the years will be a benefit to others that come after me as parents. Parenting is one of the hardest things in this life; the best way to go through it is to handle it with God and with much prayer!
Hope's Table 