In the book of Numbers chapter thirty-four, Moses’ recounted the long journey he and the Israelites had through the wilderness. This passage reminds me of my own journey in the last thirty plus years and how recounting it could help me to see how far the Lord has brought me. At times, I can get down on myself by thinking ‘I should be further in my faith and healing than I am.’ The truth is … I’ve come a long way because of the Holy Spirit’s work in me.
My personal ‘Egypt’ was full of wrong choices, shame, and living out of the lies I have believed about God, myself, and others since childhood. Lies about who I am and my value. This led to regrettable choices and burdensome shame.
My two kiddos were preschoolers when I came to the end of myself and cried out for help. Since then I’ve been living in the ‘already and not yet’ wilderness. Already because Jesus has saved me. Not yet because the Holy Spirit is still transforming me into the person God created me to be. Who I will be in the eternal Promised Land (heaven).
My wilderness trek began in 1997, when I surrendered my life to Jesus. Since then, the many moves my husband and I have made, all had a purpose. Not that we knew that then. No matter the reason for the move, I experienced growth in some area of my being. I can see now that sometimes I was running from my childhood wounds. Avoidance is truly a defense mechanism. In recent years, God has directed our moves and with them been bringing me closer to healing. As with the Israelites in the wilderness, getting ‘Egypt’ out of me is a long process.
In many biblical examples, I can see parts of my own life. Currently, the story I resonate most with is the Isrealites wandering the desert. Forty years in the wilderness. Who would sign up for that? It doesn’t matter the name of the wilderness, it’s still what it is … unknown future. Unknown obstacles. Unknown dangers. The Israelites left the land of Egypt and its slavery to travel into an unknown ‘Promised Land’ to worship their God.
For the Israelites, each stop along their journey meant another area of refining that needed to be done to prepare them for the Promised Land. Laws. Festivals. Punishments. Rescue. All these things and more were a part of their journey. There were several generations of habits, traditions, and misbeliefs that God was working out of them. It took generations for God’s people to get to the mind space they were in; it would take time to replace the wrong way of living with God’s way. The lessons they learned. The Lord hearing their cries. Bringing them out of physical slavery. Then all the years following where God patiently built up Moses as a respected leader, established laws for right living as his people, and freeing them from emotional and spiritual slavery.
My own road feels very similar to the bumpy one the Israelites traveled. Someday I will reach my Promised Land and spend eternity with God. Until then … I will look for the cloud by day and the fire by night to know where my Lord is leading me. Whether it’s forty years or eighty.
So many instances in my life have been a reminder of that very that. Transformation. Change. Restoration. Which ever word you want to use, it’s a process. And sometimes… a very long one.
Recently, I was reminded of a life changing encounter with Jesus that I had nearly 10 years ago. It was indeed life changing and a start to a transformational process I have now come to see as, still in progress. Please allow me to explain.
I was out of town for a couple of ministerial classes. During a class session, we were instructed to go outside and spend some time with God. I chose to go for a walk along a hedge row, as other classmates were doing. To respect each others quiet time with God, we each kept to our own little area to pace.
After some time of walking and talking with God, I sensed Jesus telling me, “Not another step. Not another step until you decide that you are going to step out of your boat of ‘avoidance.'”
I squatted down and began to contemplate what Jesus was saying to me. I knew exactly what he was referring to. From childhood, whenever any situation, conversation, or television show would get uncomfortable or difficult, I would step away and hide from it. I didn’t know how to deal with hard stuff. I didn’t want to deal with the hard stuff. I wanted to just avoid the hard stuff. As a little girl I wasn’t made to deal with these things. It was okay to walk away. As an adult and one being led by God to lead others, this way of handling difficult situations is not beneficial to me or anyone else. This was what Jesus was referring to as my ‘boat of avoidance.’ And he was telling me it needed to end.
As I stayed squatted down contemplating this boat, Jesus told me, “You are not to take another step until you are ready to step out of the boat. And keep in mind that once you step out, you will not be able to get back in. That will be the end of avoidance.”
This was a HUGE step for me. This boat was a comfort for me. I could hide there. To me, I was safe in my little boat. I knew I couldn’t do this alone. I knew by stepping out of that boat, I would have to rely on Jesus more and myself less. I knew what I had to do. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. What I didn’t know was what living outside of that boat would look like. As I contemplated these things, I rocked gently back and forth working up the courage to stand and step.
I stood to my feet. Took a breath in. And took that step. Even though the world around me wasn’t changed, I was.
Soon after returning home from my classes I experienced a ‘test’ of sorts. I learned in a big way that when we step out in trusting God and away from old ineffective habits, we will be tested to grow a new muscle. It makes sense. When I was in school I would learn new things and then be tested on them to make sure I understood the teaching.
A year or two after my ‘stepping out of the boat’ experience, I returned to the same place for more classes. This time I had only a couple of days to write a message that I would have to present to the class on the last day. This was a classic difficult situation for me. I hadn’t written many messages and the ones I had, I was able to spend weeks on them; not two days.
After prayer, I was drawn to Matthew 14:22-33 (NIV). “22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
In studying this Scripture, I was taken back to my experience with Jesus where he led me to step out of my own boat. That day was etched in my memory. The Lord stood outside of the boat and invited me to trust him enough to join him. My experience; the day I could kind of relate to Peter, became the visual for my message that I shared with the class.
I am going to fast forward to a couple weeks ago. I was reading Mark 8:22-26. 22 They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. 23 He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man’s eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?”
24 He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.”
25 Once more Jesus put his hands on the man’s eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly. 26 Jesus sent him home, saying, “Don’t even go into the village.”
The blind man’s healing was not instant. Jesus; in his providence, healed the man in steps. It occurred to me that similarly, our faith journey and healing is a process. I was taken back to my stepping out of the boat experience with Jesus and realized I am still ‘in process’ of learning how to live without stepping back into that ineffective boat. No guilt. No shame. This is just a human reality. My ingrained ways of coping with life will take a process to transform.
This is a season of reassessing my boat of avoidance/my process of trusting Jesus more and myself less. These are some things I am understanding more and more.
-I know Jesus’ voice.
-When I keep my eyes on Jesus, my faith stays stronger.
-Sometimes I get distracted by the things of life, take my eyes off Jesus, and begin to sink into struggles.
-Sometimes the comments of others can distract me and I take my eyes off what I know about Jesus, leading me to start to sink.
As I navigate through all of this, I was drawn to another layer to consider. A few days ago I was transplanting a peppermint root into a new space. In so doing, I discovered a shallow root from an unknown plant/tree. I began to pull it up only to find myself pulling up a maze of different sized roots spanning about a ten foot radius. As I pulled up one, I would end up with multiple roots leading me to different parts of this area in my yard. It seemed never ending. I just wanted to get to a point where I could stop without having roots sticking up out of the ground. Finally, I came to that point, except for two roots that were too substantial for me to pull or snap off. They are hanging out waiting for my husband to tend to them. I couldn’t believe the maze of entangled roots that I had uncovered. (I’m sorry if there’s anyone reading this and freaking out because I destroyed a root system.)
As I was in the midst of pulling up these weeds, I was drawn to what I have already shared with you and how it relates to pulling up roots that grow deep and/or wide. When I stepped out of the boat of avoidance I was beginning a process with Jesus. I had to accept his drawing me out of the boat and make that first step. He then began; through his Holy Spirit, to pull up the roots that had grown deep and wide through the years. These roots need to be yanked up and destroyed because they keep me from becoming the daughter God created me to be.
Some of the names to the roots Jesus is pulling up for me: avoidance, regret, shame, fear, anger, insecurity. What about you? Are there roots he’s working out for you? Can you name them?
In our instant gratification world, we have grown used to obtaining what we want in a short time. One thing I have learned is that transformation of value takes the Lord’s Touch and the Lord’s time. And his timing is perfect.
An exercise for you in guided imagination: Imagine yourself as Peter in the boat with the other disciples on the Sea of Galilee. You all see Jesus walking toward you. How do you feel? What do you smell? What do you see? What do you say?
Jesus approaches the boat and asks you to step out onto the water with him. How do you feel? What do you do?
You step out onto the water and reach for Jesus and the winds get your attention. The winds are distractions. Can you name the distractions/winds?
Those in the boat are saying something to you. What are their reactions? What are they saying? How do you respond? What do you feel?
What happens next?
Jesus had to draw me out of the boat so that he could start to pull up the roots that don’t fit for who God created me to be.
I have been thinking a lot about what it will take for me; as a Christ-Follower, to get to a point where I have whole-being wellness. As I walk my life journey, I find that I am craving this whole-being wellness and I have a desire to share what I discover with others that have an interest in the same. Whole-being wellness encompasses; first and foremost, spiritual wellness, then mindful (mental & emotional) wellness, and physical wellness. This topic of whole-being wellness is a library’s worth of research, information, and application plans; however, I want to mind dump today on a piece of this that has occurred to me recently.
As a Follower of Christ, I have noticed and experienced that there are different types of battle that I have encountered; all of which I need to suit up with God’s perfect Armor that He has provided for me. In my humanness, I tend to wear my own faulty armor with all of it’s battle holes, dents, weaknesses, and shortcomings; and then wonder why I am struggling so much with life stuff. I have experienced battles in my spiritual life, battles in my mind that impacts my emotions and mental state, and I have experienced battles in my physical body; which, by the way have been related to the spiritual and mindful battles. The best plan of action for all the battles I face is to put on God’s perfect Armor that He has provided for me. This armor includes surrounding myself with God’s Truth and living in His Truth; putting on Christ’s righteousness that He has provided; linking arms in Faith with other Christ Followers (there really is strength in numbers); walking in and sharing Christ’s Peace with others; covering my mind with thoughts of the Salvation; and all that it entails, that Jesus has provided for me; and becoming one with the sacred Word of God so that I can verbalize it in times of battle with the enemy.
In considering other aspects of whole-being wellness, the thought of my body being a ‘temple of the Holy Spirit,’ came to mind so I looked at the passage in Scripture that talks about this.
” “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” (1 Corinthians 6:12-20 NIV)
This passage; most obviously, is referencing sexuality; however, in considering this passage, I have begun to see that it could potentially be related to other areas of life. While being sexually connected to a person makes ‘two become one flesh,’ I can see that when I connect or accept as Truth something from the world (evil), I am joining in my mental state and my emotions with the world and becoming as one with it. Also, if I accept worldly spiritual things and connect with them, I am becoming one with them which impacts my spiritual life with the Holy Spirit because I would then be trying to worship God and other gods at the same time; which doesn’t work well, as we read in the Ten Commandments. Becoming one with the things of the world; even in thought, can; and probably will, derail my efforts in becoming well in my whole being. As is also true if I become one with the world in a physical sense.
How does all of this come together? I am thinking through this; however, I can see a couple really important aspects that I HAVE to be consistently persistent on if I am going to continue to pursue whole-being wellness. First, every day must begin with putting on the perfect Armor of my God and Creator. And second, I must reject worldly things and become one with only the things of God.
As you consider these thoughts for yourself, I would really like to hear your feedback; in a positive manner, please.
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