Tag Archives: parenting

The Joy of Not Being All Things for All People

     GraceStory Podcast from which this blog was written: https://www.gracestoryministries.com/podcast/episode/9648dda3/the-joy-of-slowing-down-laura-l-smith

Returning to GraceStory Podcast was author and speaker Laura L. Smith. This recent episode was titled The Joy of Slowing Down. In our ‘Hustle Culture,’ slowing down seems to be elusive and dreamy. Not so. Nate and Laura discussed, not only the How To’s of learning from Jesus and establishing ‘Rhythms of Grace,’ also how to reshape our perception of time to better utilize it. Slowing down and enjoying it is within reach for everyone, whether caught up in the ‘Hustle Culture’ or not.

     I was personally intrigued by the unwritten rules of ‘Hustle Culture’ Laura shared. Phrases, such as: “Can’t stop, won’t stop,” “More is more,” “Sleep is overrated,” and “Crazy busy,” seem to be the mantra for our time. While I don’t recall saying these myself, I can see how in seasons of my life, I’ve lived as though I believed them. Laura spoke of how these unwritten rules of ‘Hustle Culture’ declare, “We have to do all the things, all the time, for all the people.”

     Years ago, as a young mom fresh in my faith, I was determined to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect Jesus follower. Attempting to be all these things led me to saying yes to everything that came my way. Even if I was on the brink of exhaustion, I had to have a spotless house. My kid’s birthday parties had to be meticulously thought out, organized, and all my guests entertained.  I expected myself to have meals planned out and prepared for my husband when he arrived home from work. And I wanted him to always be able to come home to a clean house, with all the dishes and laundry washed. I don’t recall saying to myself “can’t stop, won’t stop” specifically, however, my actions spoke those words loud and clear.

     Now, on the other side of raising children, I can see how I was caught up in the ‘Hustle Culture’ that Laura spoke of. I recognized many of the signs she mentioned. In checking my own heart, I was doing many of the things because I felt they were expected of me. I was exhausted all the time. I was too busy, doing too many things. Yup, I was definitely caught up in ‘Hustle Culture’ before I ever heard the term. 

     In my younger years I knew nothing about the ‘Rhythms of Grace’ Laura referred to. As a Soul Care Coach, I now always want to know the ‘How to’s’ in making changes. Asking questions to understand more. It was no different for me as I listened to Nate and Laura’s conversation about how to create ‘Rhythms of Grace’ for anyone finding themselves caught up in this ‘Hustle Culture.’ Mentioned in the podcast was looking at the examples Jesus has given us through Scripture. His unhurried way of life, the way he always stopped for his people, and his intentional space for talking with the Father through prayer are a great step in the right direction to slow down our pace and enjoy life. 

Prompt: Laura recommended looking at how we’re spending our day with an honest evaluation. What can be removed?  Can something be delegated? May we take time to explore this recommendation and learn from Jesus’ example.

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Fighting for Hope After The Death of a Child

Blog post written by Amy DeBerg in relation to the GraceStory podcast : “Hope: What Does it Mean to Fight for Hope?” (To listen to the podcast: https://www.gracestoryministries.com/podcast/episode/8a92be68/hope-what-does-it-mean-to-fight-for-hope-sue-bowles )

To read this post and others and to listen view the podcast library, go to https://www.gracestoryministries.com/

Fighting for hope can look differently given the context. In the latest episode of GraceStory Podcast, Master Certified Mental Health and Life Coach Sue Bowles shared several different aspects of fighting for hope. Including an emotional example of a time when she found herself fighting for hope during her parents’ divorce. 

Sue defined hope as ‘daring to believe when everything humanly and intellectually is telling you otherwise.’ She further explained hope as daring to hold God to his word until he shows up. As I listened to hope explained in this way, I was taken back to July 2014 with the loss of my 22-year-old son. I clung to hope as I struggled to breathe, at times, and found myself struggling to make it through each moment. Step-by-step. Day-by-day. That’s how I moved forward. 

A friend had advised Sue to watch her steps as she took each one forward. I can relate to that. Sometimes … that’s all I could do. Especially the times I was trying to work through my grief on my own. As Sue mentioned, trudging through in isolation leads to not being able to trust my own thoughts. However, when I chose to share my struggles with one or two trusted people, I made room for God to show up and walk alongside me in healing. God had blessed my family and I with multiple church and workplace families. These individuals and several hundred others that we didn’t know, prayed us through and gave us the support we didn’t even realize we were receiving. The love we received by fighting for hope in community carried me through some pretty difficult days, and continues to as there are still some times when the waves of grief threaten to overtake me. 

My Toolbox: 

*I’ve seen hope in the past through sharing my struggles with a trusted friend. *I declared that God would use my experience to help others because I surrendered it to him. *I have used what I’ve learned through my loss to comfort others in their moments of grief. *I’m writing a book as a way to continue my healing and help others through theirs. Acknowledge my emotions: 

My heart hurts from the absence of my son. 

I’m mad about what I’m missing out on with him. 

What am I grateful for: 

I am grateful for the 22 years I had with my son. 

I am grateful for the community God placed around me. 

Prompt: Build a Fighting for Hope Toolbox by integrating hope building strategies into your life. Ask yourself and maybe journal about the steps Sue shared in the podcast. 1- Identify where you’ve seen hope in the past? What’s helped in the past? 2- Where have you told God you’re expecting him to show up? 

3- How can that experience apply to your current situation? 

4- Build on your current situation. 

Since anxiety and gratitude cannot coexist, acknowledge your emotions before God AND speak truth and statements of gratitude. 

And remember, you matter and so do your emotions.

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Grief in Transition

     Beyond letting go of belongings. Beyond letting go of wanting to know what’s next. Beyond letting go of a known lifestyle. Beyond. Beyond. Beyond. Walking through the process of grief while in a significant life transition, is no easy task. 

     At this point in my husband’s and mine major life shift, I’ve repeatedly found myself journeying through different aspects of grieving. Even though many have portrayed ‘stages of grief’ as a linear progression, I’m here to testify to a different perspective. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I’ve experienced each one, often all within a day, only to revisit different emotions and/or feelings again and again. 

     Transitioning from living in a house to setting up temporary living in a travel trailer and not knowing what’s to be our living situation beyond fall. This has often elicited in me thoughts and feelings of anger pointed in different directions, including towards my husband who first introduced this new lifestyle choice to me. Maybe even a little at God because it has been obvious to us that he’s drawing us out to make this change. Is it okay for me to be angry at God? I believe so. He is our Father and he can handle any of our emotions, thoughts, feelings, or words. He can handle anything we direct his way. I also know it’s wise for me to be ready to hear from him words of correction because that’s what a good good Father does.

     This process started, I think, with feelings of denial on my part. A year ago when my hubby and I were close to making the decision to buy a camper, I retreated quickly and said no. No, it’s not the right time. And lately … lately I’ve been in denial of my own actions involved in this move; my part in buying a camper, and moving forward in this transition. It’s easy, and probably human nature, to place blame for things I’m not certain are God’s will for our lives. 

     Bargaining for me in this current adventure looks like prayer that includes surrender, bargaining (or begging), and tears. Again, God is a good good Father and has his ways of correcting his children as he answers prayers.

     Depression. Throughout the past several weeks, I’ve wandered in and out of short bouts of depression. Grieving new layers from the losses of my son, my parents, my in-laws, and my grandparents. This led to extreme heaviness on my heart and distracted me from the joys of life. Letting go of items I have been gifted, this too has led to a heavy heart. There’s so many aspects of this transition that have led to a burdensome heart and therefore helped me to take my eyes off the goodness of God and what great things he has for my hubby and I for this next chapter.

     Acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean I’m okay with everything that has happened or that I’m not struggling with all the things. To me, it means I can take comfort from my Holy Father. I can find solace and refuge in his presence. I can seek out trustworthy like minded friends to pray for me and remind me of all the ways God has blessed me, especially in the recent past. Acceptance is knowing and relying on our God who has it all under and within his control. It’s resting in the capable and loving embrace of a loving Father who has given so much for me.

For more information on the Stages of Grief: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20model%20of,against%20using%20it%20too%20literally.

If you are interested in working through your own grief and/or loss, please contact me at: soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com

To order my newest book Wilderness Journey Living Journal: Taking Steps Toward God, please email me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com

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Letting Go

Letting Go 

     Just let go and let God. Let go and trust God. Who hasn’t heard some variation of those directives. And who hasn’t thought to themselves or even said out loud, “But what if …?” There’s nothing easy about letting go of things we’ve held tightly to. Starting a statement with ‘just’ gives the sense of this action being easy. Just walk away. Just stand up. Just close your eyes. These directives are easy, or so they seem.

     In my current situation, I’m learning more and more what it truly looks like to ‘let go.’ In April of this year, my husband and I came to the mutual decision that it is time to move again. This came after many conversations and prayer. The recurring thoughts of selling our current house and what the next stage of our lives would be, led us to believe it’s that time … again. The longest he and I have lived anywhere is five years. The home we lived in at that time was a double-wide we had set on four acres we purchased from my parents. This property was next to where I grew up. So familiar. So beautiful. So much ‘home’ to me. I even declared as our double-wide halves were being driven onto the property, “I’m finally home.” At the time I had no understanding about Heaven being my true home. I knew God, however, not in an intimate way.

     After living in the double-wide for five years, God revealed it was time to move on into what he had for us next. Here we are about twenty years later, in a similar position. Only this time, we aren’t as certain as to what’s next for us in the way of living arrangements. When we moved from that beautiful homey location near my parents, we knew we were buying a house about thirty minutes away from that location. At this juncture, we know few things.

  1. We are to live simply and simply live. All but necessities are to be let go of.
  2. God won’t let us know what’s next until we leave what’s right now. 
  3. Our home for the summer is our new camper which will be settled nicely on a seasonal lot in the town we know we are being drawn to.
  4. Listed last, however, it was the first thing we knew for sure. Abba is drawing my husband and I back to the town I grew up in. The town our double-wide was in.

     The process of moving, this time, has been very different. Each time we’ve moved until now, we would downsize and ‘let go’ of things, however, this time is so much different because of only keeping necessities. As we cleaned and prepped the house to sell, I began to ask myself and God, “What do I truly need?” There were several items I didn’t need to ask, God whispered sweetly in my ear, “Let it go.” My third time sorting through my closet, Abba gently guided me in seeing, “it’s time to let someone else enjoy that.” This was the message with several of my favorite clothing items.

     Probably the most difficult part of letting go of so many things was the time I spent going through the pictures, clothes, and belongings of my loved ones who’ve passed away. Moving through the process led me into another layer of grieving. I went through almost forty-eight hours of feeling immensely heavy-hearted. I asked Abba what was going on with me because I felt so weighed down I couldn’t even bring myself to fake a smile. He said, in his most loving way, “You are grieving many things.” This made complete sense to me. Quickly I recalled all the pictures and such I had looked through. The items I threw away and gave away and the little bit I placed into a tote to store. The memories. The emotions that went along with all those things. Not to mention the reality of grieving a complete lifestyle change. I am walking through another layer and a new layer of mourning that I’ve not experienced before.  

     “Oh Father, thank you for helping me to see this. Now I have some idea of how to proceed. Grieving, I’m well versed in grieving. My mom passed away nearly twenty-one years ago. We are almost to the eleventh anniversary of our son’s passing. I find God’s timing to be beyond words. Our first camper payment is due July fourth, the date our son was taken from us through a motorcycle accident. Our moving date is July eleventh, the date we said our goodbyes to Tad through his funeral. No coincidence, God-incidence. My dad and in-laws have also passed. I’m no stranger to mourning. It’s hard stuff!

     Next Father shared with me that he’s preparing me for my journey ahead. It’s so beautiful to me how God cares for me. He takes time to prepare me for the big things in life. The love of God, I just cannot grasp.

Letting go. 

Letting go of my expectations.

Letting go of the ‘things’ I’ve found my security in, outside of God.

Letting go of the stuff I held onto because it belonged to someone special to me.

Letting go of fears.

Letting go of my need for control of the present and the future.

Letting go. 

For more on my journey and how coaching can guide you on yours, contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com.

For more on Prepare-Journey-Debrief-Repeat. And journal along the way. Order my book Wilderness Journey Living Journal: Taking Steps Toward God by emailing me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com

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Becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God Part 5

BECOMING A DEEP REAL AUTHENTIC WOMAN OF GOD Part 5

     [From Part 4] The fears that we have developed through our past experiences have not only given way to how we view our present (our perspective), it also plays a large role in the priorities we set in our lives today. 

     This leads us to our fourth and final barrier to relationships and becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God. 

Priorities.

     We live in a world of busyness being a priority and something to strive for.  In God’s economy, he’s first, then our spouse and family. Our job and ministry come after that.  He also commands that we take a Sabbath rest from all the things that tax our ability to put him first.  I am not speaking just to you, I need this message as well.  

     This is an area where we see the enemy at work.  Satan strives to keep us busy and overloaded in our lives and our schedules, pushing ourselves beyond our limits. Feeling that we just can’t say ‘no’ to whatever is asked of us.  Not that I want to give the enemy any more air time than I already have, however, I believe this quote from “Fervent” speaks volumes about priorities.  

     “If I were your enemy, I’d make everything seem urgent, as if it’s all yours to handle.  I’d bog down your calendar with so many expectations you couldn’t tell the differences between what’s important and what’s not.  Going and doing, guilty for ever saying no, trying to control it all, but just being controlled by it all instead…  If I could keep you busy enough, you’d be too overwhelmed to even realize how much work you’re actually saving me.” 

     A friend recently shared with me that busy stands for ‘Being Under Satan’s Yoke.” Now that’s eye-opening. The way we keep ourselves bizzy bizzy bizzy, gives a resemblance to the mindset of God’s people as slaves in Egypt.  They just worked all day every day, with no rest, no Sabbath as commanded by God. 

Deuteronomy 5:15  (NIV)
“Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the Lord your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the Lord your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day.”

     The Israelites were forced by the pharaoh’s men to work seven days a week, what’s forcing us to keep up a slave’s pace?

     A full schedule with no rhythm of rest and margin for time with God will leave a daughter of Abba attempting to run on an empty tank, wondering where the day went as she lay her head on the pillow each night.  Where do these habits and routines come from?  Maybe from watching our own moms or grandmas. Maybe from caving into the cultural expectations. Maybe lies we believed from our childhood led to beliefs about what we had to do and be in order to be accepted, loved, and/or belong. Or just maybe, we run ourselves ragged because we have unreasonable expectations for ourselves.  Whatever the reason for our distorted priorities, we can turn them around with our chosen priorities each new day and a reliance on Holy Spirit?

In Part 6 we’ll put it all together and look at ways to tear down these barriers to becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection
Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to discuss new priorities you’d like to put in place in your life or to place an order for my new book “Wilderness Journey Living journal”. It’s a guided journal for women that leads you through eight weeks of Taking Steps Toward God through a variety of journaling styles.

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Becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God Part 3

     [From Part 2]   In looking at where my fears came from, I have learned the seeds were planted, watered, and grew from wounds in my past experiences.

     To clarify, when I say ‘The Past,’ I am referring to everything up to this moment.  An interesting thing I am learning about the past is, it has limits.  It can only go up to this moment and cannot be changed. Though the past can be redeemed, only by God.  I will share later how I’ve experienced the Lord’s redemption power personally.

* The enemy likes to use the things in our painful past to puncture holes in our redeemed future.  

* Because the enemy is a liar, coward and has no imagination, he likes to remind us of past choices and mistakes. This tactic keeps old wounds open and raw, continuing to cause us pain.  

* “Sometimes we disfigure ourselves by what we think about ourselves rather than by what we do to ourselves. Some people have been disfigured emotionally because of what others did to them when they were children. Sometimes our memory banks become warehouses of beliefs and feelings that cripple our progress.” ― H. Norman Wright  

*Our wounds, left open can keep us shackled to fear and unforgiveness, making connections with God and others difficult. 

     I’ve learned that my fears stem from past experiences. There were a couple of dynamics that spoke volumes into my painful past and fed my little girl fears.

  1. During my growing up years, my mom was in and out of mental hospitals because of the extensive abuse she suffered as a child. Her mental illness and suicide attempts aided in our household being dysfunctional and unpredictable. My mom’s wounds and fears ran deep from her own childhood. 
  2. As a child I was physically and emotionally abused by my grandfather and verbally abused by my grandmother.  Their dislike for me, their granddaughter, was made known. When no one was around, my grandfather would pick up my skinny little body and shake me. He would often put me over his knees to spank me while asking, “What have you done today to deserve a spankin’?” My grandmother, on a couple of different occasions, had my sister and I set the dinner table while our dad was working outside. As we were setting the table, we realized there was one place setting missing. When my sister mentioned the lacking dishes, our grandmother stated, “Amy can eat at home.” For my growing little girl mind, these words and actions created wounds and planted seeds of fear and rejection. 

     I’ve found that my fears that started from childhood, have been the driving force in a lot of my decisions. They’ve paralyzed me and kept me silent when I should have spoken up for myself or others. Becoming aware of the fears and their source has been a step forward in feeling safe and less afraid. Learning that God is my strength and my shield has been a truth I hold on to.

      Through years of healing, prayer, and study, I’ve learned my little girl mind subconsciously developed ways to protect myself by avoiding hard situations and trying to be perfect so as to not do anything ‘deserving of a spankin’. All the while, what was happening was unconsciously agreeing with the words spoken over me. By agreeing with the words, the lies, I made agreements with the enemy of my soul which he was all too happy to hold me to. These agreements or self protective vows were how my wounded mind and heart tried to protect me. What it actually did was keep me in a deep cycle of constant, sometimes subconscious, emotional and spiritual pain. The way out, the way to healing, began with Jesus. 

NOTE: To learn about breaking free of the self protective vows, contact Thirteenth Tribe Ministries at https://www.ttmin.org/

To talk to me about coaching through goals for the future, email me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com.

In Part 4 we will talk about how our Perspective impacts our becoming deep real authentic woman of God.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection

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BECOMING A DEEP REAL AUTHENTIC WOMAN OF GOD Part 2

  [From Part 1] In preparation for this message, I put out a question on Facebook to see the most common barriers people experience in their relationships with God and others.  While there were a variety of responses, I found many of them fit under similar headings and there were several people with similar responses.  The order I am sharing with you is for the purpose of the flow of the message.

     The first barrier is FEAR.

     What is fear? It seems like a silly question to ask and answer. Everyone is acquainted with fear. The Wikipedia definition: 

     “Fear is a feeling induced by perceived danger or threat that occurs in certain types of organisms, which causes a change in metabolic and organ functions and ultimately a change in behavior, such as fleeing, hiding, or freezing from perceived traumatic events. Fear in human beings may occur in response to a specific stimulus occurring in the present, or in anticipation or expectation of a future threat perceived as a risk to body or life. The fear response arises from the perception of danger leading to confrontation with or escape from/avoiding the threat (also known as the fight-or-flight response), which in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) can be a freeze response or paralysis.”

     There are so many fears connected to our relationships. Fears of disappointing God and others. Fears of the unknown. Fears of being hurt physically or emotionally. Fears of not measuring up, and the list goes on.

     Second Timothy chapter 1 verse 7 tells us:  “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” (NLT) 

** Look in a mirror.

     Knowing God’s Word tells us not to fear, why do we still fear? 

     I believe fear is a natural way to respond to a lot of things we experience in life.  In the words of Priscilla Shirer in her book ‘Fervent;’  “If I were your enemy, I’d magnify your fears, making them appear insurmountable, intimidating you with enough worries until avoiding them becomes your driving motivation.  I would use anxiety to cripple you, to paralyze you, leaving you indecisive, clinging to safety and sameness, always on the defensive because of what might happen.  When you hear the word faith, all I’d want you to hear is “unnecessary risk.”” 

     The enemy magnifies our fears just like a mirror can magnify our reflection. 

     All through my childhood and much of my adult life I have lived paralyzed by fears. Afraid I would make unforgivable mistakes. Afraid I wouldn’t measure up. Afraid of the what if’s. And afraid of what others think and feel about me.  If others were to reject me, what would I do? This is all I got, the me I am.  I went for years trying to be the perfect everything. Trying to control my surroundings, only to have the realization I DO NOT have that much control.  Now I can admit to not wanting all that control … it’s too much pressure.  My lack of control was magnified over ten years ago when I lost my twenty-two year old son in a motorcycle accident.  I was and am completely powerless to change the reality of this great loss.

     In looking at where my fears came from, I have learned the seeds were planted, watered, and grew from wounds in my past experiences.

In Part 3 we will cover The Past.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection

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Beautiful Me

Beautiful isn’t an adjective I would generally use to describe myself throughout my life. Even though I’ve had several people say it about me, the one person who basically called me ‘not beautiful’ left his mark on my heart at the tender age of eight.

     It was in this season that multiple life circumstances shaped how I saw myself. What I believed about the little girl named Amy Elizabeth.

     My mom was in a mental hospital. At this time, mental health professionals were using shock therapy as treatment  for disorders of the mind. In my memory, a very dear family member took my sister and I to visit our mom. Unfortunately, when it was my turn to go in to see her she was returning to her room directly following a treatment. We were in the hallway as my mom passed through. I knew who she was. She didn’t know me. I was crushed.

     According to my memory, during this time of mom’s hospitalization, my sister and I were staying with our grandparents. Besides the stress of my mom being away from home, I was very fearful of my grandparents. They made it well known of their dislike of me and how I apparently did wrong punishable things always.

     Pity. No pity. Just my reality. Fear. Anxiety. Nail biting. Hiding.

     What I believed about myself was vocalized at my First Communion. Mom in the hospital, grandmother to prepare me for the big day. Dad was there. A couple of mom’s friends were there. During the ceremony, those observing their First Communion were to go to their families to shake hands or something. Mom’s friends stopped the ceremony as they wanted me to pose for a photo. Embarrassment overtook me as it seemed everyone was staring at me. 

     At the end of the ceremony, I was standing with the other girls who took part in the ceremony. The professional photographer approached our little huddle. My heart sank when he called off all the girls’ names except mine and then directed, “All you beautiful girls, follow me.” Heard loud and clear, “Amy, you aren’t beautiful.” I wish I could say I shook it off because I knew my identity and worth in Christ. I can’t say that because I didn’t have that knowledge or understanding.

     To multiply the injury, the photographer also took my school pictures every year so annually I had to face the man who told me I wasn’t beautiful. It was a constant reminder.

     So, why am I rehashing these painful memories now? It’s because I am journeying through the photos of my life in an effort to allow God’s healing balm to be slathered over the wounds of my life. I’m currently hovering over this season of being seven and eight. This journey is taking me through long since forgotten memories that are resurfacing for me to process them with my God. I’m walking through forgiveness, for others, myself, and God. Accepting forgiveness and offering caring to myself where it’s needed. I can’t do this without God.

     I WANT HEALING! I will walk the path God has laid out for me because he knows what I need to find and live in his healing.

#healing #selfbelief #faith #wordsmatter

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The Mirror was Cloudy

 As I entered my room, I saw the bathroom mirror was slightly cloudy.

I’m struggling to admit and recognize where I am. I’m struggling to accept that, even though I ‘know’ Truth, those words could be said by God, or anyone else, to me. I know the ugliness inside of me. I feel like I don’t deserve God’s love and forgiveness even though I know we all fall short. I feel closed off. I feel like an imposter.

To trust … I have to let my guard down.

I want to be seen and known and at the same time, I want to hide. I want to be seen and known by Jesus. Shame over past decisions of my own and others made for me, make me want to hide.

The mirror is more cloudy.

I keep holding onto my sin as a badge, allowing the enemy to keep a grip on me. UGH!

“Open, shut them, open, shut them,” this childhood song plays in my mind as I see the pattern of my own making. I start to open up to what God is saying to me, and just that quickly, I shut down. I start to open up again and soon the vault door closes … again. 

My habits have muscle memory. 

I couldn’t sing ‘Run to the Father’ because I felt that I didn’t deserve to run to the Father and be comforted by him.

God is always healing. I want to accept his healing. Jesus goes out of his way to meet with me. Jesus does not condemn me. He is so kind.

The mirror is more cloudy. 

I need to realize where I am. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus came so that I may have a full life.

In prayer, I see myself on a bluff with the Holy Spirit. He’s tall, strong, loving, and comforting. He gave me the name Domicile. I am a dwelling place, a home. He embraces me with his strong arms and I lean into his chest. 

I see many trees with beautifully colored Autumn leaves. A canopy of beauty. 

God is inviting me to come out of hiding. 

The mirror is cloudy because I haven’t been seeing myself clearly. 

A realization that I’m in a battle over my beauty. 

A false belief my whole life that I can’t be beautiful. I’m forced to search for the reasons why I have believed this.

~ As a little girl, I was constantly called a boy no matter how I was dressed or how long my hair was. Conclusion: Boys can’t be beautiful.

~ Comparing myself to others. If they are the standard for beauty, I can’t be beautiful because I don’t look like them.

~ I’ve sinned. I’ve made wrong choices. I’ve thought ugly thoughts. Conclusion: I can’t be beautiful. I can’t look at God or others in the eye because of my ugly sin.

~ The belief that I will never measure up to _____ so I can’t be beautiful.

“Please Lord Jesus, help me to see myself as your bride.”

“My Beloved, will you be my bride?”

“Yes, I will.”

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My Wilderness Journey

  In the book of Numbers chapter thirty-four, Moses’ recounted the long journey he and the Israelites had through the wilderness. This passage reminds me of my own journey in the last thirty plus years and how recounting it could help me to see how far the Lord has brought me. At times, I can get down on myself by thinking ‘I should be further in my faith and healing than I am.’ The truth is … I’ve come a long way because of the Holy Spirit’s work in me.

     My personal ‘Egypt’ was full of wrong choices, shame, and living out of the lies I have believed about God, myself, and others since childhood. Lies about who I am and my value. This led to regrettable choices and burdensome shame.

     My two kiddos were preschoolers when I came to the end of myself and cried out for help. Since then I’ve been living in the ‘already and not yet’ wilderness. Already because Jesus has saved me. Not yet because the Holy Spirit is still transforming me into the person God created me to be. Who I will be in the eternal Promised Land (heaven).

     My wilderness trek began in 1997, when I surrendered my life to Jesus. Since then, the many moves my husband and I have made, all had a purpose. Not that we knew that then. No matter the reason for the move, I experienced growth in some area of my being. I can see now that sometimes I was running from my childhood wounds. Avoidance is truly a defense mechanism. In recent years, God has directed our moves and with them been bringing me closer to healing. As with the Israelites in the wilderness, getting ‘Egypt’ out of me is a long process.

     In many biblical examples, I can see parts of my own life. Currently, the story I resonate most with is the Isrealites wandering the desert. Forty years in the wilderness. Who would sign up for that? It doesn’t matter the name of the wilderness, it’s still what it is … unknown future. Unknown obstacles. Unknown dangers. The Israelites left the land of Egypt and its slavery to travel into an unknown ‘Promised Land’ to worship their God. 

     For the Israelites, each stop along their journey meant another area of refining that needed to be done to prepare them for the Promised Land. Laws. Festivals. Punishments. Rescue. All these things and more were a part of their journey. There were several generations of habits, traditions, and misbeliefs that God was working out of them. It took generations for God’s people to get to the mind space they were in; it would take time to replace the wrong way of living with God’s way. The lessons they learned. The Lord hearing their cries. Bringing them out of physical slavery. Then all the years following where God patiently built up Moses as a respected leader, established laws for right living as his people, and freeing them from emotional and spiritual slavery.

     My own road feels very similar to the bumpy one the Israelites traveled. Someday I will reach my Promised Land and spend eternity with God. Until then … I will look for the cloud by day and the fire by night to know where my Lord is leading me. Whether it’s forty years or eighty.

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