From life to LIFE

Maybe it’s in reflection after my mother-in-law’s recent passing or maybe it’s with the many transitions in my in the past three months; but whatever the reason, it’s occurred to me the many seasons in our lives where there’s a death in some way that leads to a new life in another way. Take for instance plants; I have learned that a plant’s sole purpose is to produce seeds. These seeds then go into the ground and die to what they once were so that they can eventually become what they were intended to be and; themselves, produce more seeds to do the same thing. A mustard seed is a very tiny seed that; when planted, becomes a marvelous tree that provides shelter for birds and shade or covering for those that step under it. The seed had to die as a seed in order to become a seedling and ultimately, a sheltering tree. A pine tree starts out as a seed from a pine cone that when it is planted, has to die to what it was so that it can become a pine tree. Maybe it will be a Christmas tree in the home of a family where it will carry bright strings of lights and Christmas ornaments that bring much joy for the people that get to gaze upon it. Or maybe the tree will grow for many years in a forest until it dies or is cut down to make furniture for people to sit on. The cross that Jesus died on would have been made from a tree that once started as a seed that died to what it was in order to become what it was intended to become; a source of death that ultimately brought much LIFE to all who believe in Jesus.

We as human beings started as a seed; of sorts, that had to die to what it started as so that it could grow to become what it was intended to become; a living breathing wonderful child of parents, ultimately a child of God. Even in our lives we have many instances of dying to one thing so that we can be alive ultimately. I am going to share some of my own experiences of dying to one thing so that I can be alive to another. When I was a small child, I thought like a child; I was completely consumed with how everything impacted me, but when I became older I needed to die to that belief because the world is full of others with human needs just like I have. When I came head-to-head with Jesus as an adult, I had to die to my own ways to become alive to who God created me to be. As with the growth of a pine tree, the changes and growth hasn’t happened all at once for me. Since 1997 when I realized what God and His Word had to do with me, I have been dying to different areas of my life so that God’s design for my life could come to life. My partying mindset had to die so that I can live reliant on Holy Spirit instead of liquid spirits. My fear filled way of thinking and decision-making has been slowly dying to give life to the Holy Boldness fearless thinking and decision-making that God intended for me when He united the specific elements from both of my parents to create the person that He intended for me to be. The impact that wounds have had on my beliefs through the years have to die so that the healing balm of the Lord can seal that space in my spirit as whole, healed, and completely driven to care for others who have similar wounds.

Recent transitions in my life have been very difficult for me to process; however, after much prayer and time with my Abba, I can honestly say that in God’s great providence and magnificent wisdom, these transitions have been what I have needed for things in my life to dye so that God’s planned LIFE for me will grow exponentially greater than I could ever think or imagine. It would be easy for me to give up on pursuing God’s next steps for me because of the death of what I thought things were to be but aren’t; however, I am seeing more clearly how God’s plan for my Life requires that some things have to die for the New Life that He has for me.

In regards to the loss of a loved one, it is so difficult and painful when a loved one passes from this world. The comfort that we can have when we know that they have a saving relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, is that they have New Life where they are more alive now than they ever were here on planet earth. For old things have passed away and we can behold that ALL things, Christ has made NEW in the Life that He has planned since before time. May the Lord Bless and keep you; may His face shine upon you and grant you the Peace that is beyond any comprehension!

CELEBRATING A LIFE

A year after my mom died, in 2005 my dad had to have one of his kidneys removed because it was full of a cancerous mass. This seemed to be the start of many health issues with my dad. He was diabetic, had COPD, congestive heart failure, and developed renal failure because of his body fighting the other issues with only one kidney. He also had both knees replaced; his right knee went through two artificial knees and two medicated spacers, all this because of him developing a nasty infection in the first knee replacement. We almost lost him to sepsis after the first replacement in his right knee. My dad was such a fighter that he just kept going even when it took all that he had to just go through a day. He was very determined to not give up. I spent much time with my dad in the last year of his life, sitting in the hospital ER department because the fluid in his body was too much and he was struggling to breathe. He was in the hospital and rehab more than he was out in the last several years of his life. He spent the last seven and a half months of his life taking dialysis three times a week. During this time, I was able to spend time in sweet conversation and some stressful conversation with my dad. On one occasion, I spent a day with him. That is such a sweet memory for me. My dad struggled with much anxiety and how he would relieve this anxiety would be going for a ride in the country. My dad grew up a farmer and farming was his first love. Driving around the countryside that he knew his whole life, brought him much joy and helped to ease his anxiety. On this day that I spent with my dad, we went for a drive because he was feeling like a caged animal. This drive was one of the sweetest times that I have ever had with my dad and it serves as a great memory for me; just hearing him tell me who owned what property, what crop was planted in the fields, and the families that had owned the different farms. His love for the countryside came out in his words.

On November 15, 2021, my dad fell while leaving his house to go to dialysis. He fractured seven ribs falling on a wooden flower box. Like I said, my dad was determined to keep fighting; he still went to dialysis not knowing that he fractured seven ribs; he just knew he was in pain. When I picked him up from dialysis, he asked me to take him to the ER because he was hurting really bad and he was sure that he had ‘cracked a rib.’ I knew that he was in bad shape because he had me go into the dialysis office to walk him out and he never did that; he always walked himself out to my truck. To walk out of the building he needed my help as well because he had to walk with a walker always and that day he couldn’t push the walker very well because of the pain. At the hospital, we learned that he had fractured seven ribs on his right side and he had to be transported to a larger hospital with a heart center ICU and where he could receive his dialysis treatments. The nurse shared with me that he was in pretty bad shape but I didn’t know just how bad until later. With everything my dad had been dealing with for years, I knew that he was nearing the end of his earthly life but figured he still had some time. Once he was on his way in the ambulance, I went home because my sister was planning to meet him at the other hospital an hour away. I needed to get home to watch my granddaughter because my husband needed to go to work and I had committed to watching her that night and next morning. It was pretty late when I arrived home and I didn’t get much sleep between caring for an infant and taking many text messages and phone calls about my dad from my sister. The next morning, I was awakened with multiple calls about my dad; from my sister and the hospital. My dad’s condition was so bad that forced air oxygen and some pretty heavy-hitter meds were the only things keeping him alive. My sister and I had to have a pretty tough conversation with my dad about the fact that this time he just wouldn’t be able to bounce back like he had done so many times before; his body was just too beat up and it couldn’t continue anymore. My sister and I had to have a similar conversation prior to our dad’s starting dialysis just over seven months earlier. I hate those conversations! In the end, my dad decided to stop fighting and we were able to be with him as a family when he entered eternity very early on November 17, 2021.

I was thankful to be with him in these last hours. In the last months, one of the things that kept my dad fighting was that he had many things not taken care of and he didn’t want to leave them for my sister and I; but we ended up being left with them anyway. Dealing with my dad’s ‘loose ends,’ kept me from starting the grieving process. I felt; wrongly, that we needed to get all of these things taken care of and then I could grieve and mourn and heal from the loss of my dad. All this did was create friction in my extended family and much unneeded stress for me. By the time that I realized I needed to let the issues go, I had pushed the grieving aside and didn’t face it. It took several months for me to realize how I had not allowed myself to grieve my dad’s passing. This has taken an ugly toll on my mental state and emotions. I realized that I was mad at my dad for many of his choices through the years and for all the things that he left behind for my sister and I to deal with. And then it felt like my sister was struggling so much with his passing that I thought that I HAD to DO it ALL on my own. Such lies I believed! Much too late I realized that the stuff could wait to be dealt with; I just needed to BE with my Heavenly Father and my family and let God help me to heal, the rest of the stuff would work itself out in time. Instead, my push to get it all worked out made for a more miserable Thanksgiving; he passed about eight days before Thanksgiving. While I am thankful that I have begun to actually mourn my earthly father’s passing, it’s still really hard to face that both of my parents are no longer ‘here’ with us physically. Now it’s up to my sister and I to keep our family connected.

#LossIs Hard

CLEARING THE CHAOS

What’s the story behind the piles of ‘things’ that we keep?

For years I have struggled with looking at piles of things; they just seem to stress me out and it feels like they are somehow hanging over my mind, leading to an overwhelming feeling of stress. I have had the mantra for years that clutter is chaos and chaos is stress; who needs more stress, so lets get rid of the clutter so the chaos is gone leading to less stress. It makes perfect sense to me but maybe not to everyone. I haven’t always held this view; as a kid I was a child version of Oscar Madison from the Odd Couple. For those too young to know who that is, Google or YouTube it and you will understand the reference. I always had food under my bed; you know, in case I got hungry during the night. I didn’t understand that the food would draw crawly things that I don’t like. Anyway, I always had clothes and whatever all over the floor and stuffed in the closet. You have to understand that between my sister’s and my room was one long closet that stretched the full length of our rooms and was about three feet wide. We could stuff lots of things into that closet and usually did; that is until we had to clean it. That was a chore and a half; however, when it was clean we had lots of fun playing in the closet, running from one room to the other. All this to say, I understand how spaces can get so full of ‘stuff’ that we get overwhelmed by it; and forget about trying to get started with cleaning it, to start that task is as huge as eating an elephant in one bite.

Somewhere in my teens I turned the corner and went from Oscar Madison to Felix Unger; same show but the other half of the Odd Couple. Felix was the super neat freak that probably sanitized the vacuum cleaner. I became the person that cleaned and changed her room around every Friday evening. I had a good friend that thought it great fun to move the T.V. Guide or Kleenex box on the coffee table so that she could watch me put it back into ‘it’s spot.’ I know, from one extreme to the other, exactly right. This neat freakness followed me into adulthood and into my own home. Of course having kiddos kind of helped me to loosen up a lot on the neat freakness; after several years of stressing over those crazy toys all over the floor all the time. I about drove myself crazy constantly picking up toys. That is until I decided to just wait until the kiddos were down for their naps or to bed for the night, to pick up the toys. And don’t get me started on being married to a wonderful man who’s a mechanic, trying to keep things free of grease and grime from the shop; it’s definitely a full time job, okay maybe just a part time job, but you get the point I’m sure.

So, is it Oscar who has it right or is it Felix? Do we have so much ‘stuff’ surrounding us that we don’t even know what we have anymore or do we have things so cleaned and clutter free that we could literally eat off the floor (YUCK); but you know what I mean. I think that in this issue; as with about everything in life, we need to find a happy medium, not just for our mental health but also for our physical and spiritual health. What does this have to do with our physical and spiritual health? I am so glad that you asked. Our physical health can be impacted by a house full of clutter because of the germ factor; but also because of the psychological and spiritual reasons for the collection of the ‘stuff’ which then can lead to physical symptoms of poor health. Spiritually, the ‘stuff’ can become an idol and take the place of God in our heart. There’s so much more to this that I can’t share without writing a book. Instead of focusing on all the stuff, let’s look at why we collect those ‘priceless’ gems. What hole are we trying to fill? Did our parents collect things? When did we start collecting the _____? What was going on in our life? Why do we have to have every one of the collection of the _______? What does having all of those_____ get us in the end? Does it make our life fuller? Happier? Free-er? How does having all these ‘things’ impact our next generation and the generation after that?

So, now what?

First steps: take one space; whether it be a drawer, closet, or cupboard, and clean it all out. Sort what’s in the space into one of three boxes/totes; 1. I really want to keep, it has a purpose. 2. I will give away, it has no real purpose for me. 3. I will throw away, it’s not useful to anyone.

Second step: journal about how you felt when you were done with that small space, what you will clean/sort next, and when you will do it.

Third step: clean and sort your next space the same as you did the first space. Make sure to keep journaling about your progress.

Fourth step: Know that I am proud of you for each and every step that you take forward; more importantly, know that your Heavenly Father is smiling upon you as you become free of the hold that your ‘stuff’ has on your life. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free, live free of the stress of the chaos.

WHAT AND WHY

For most of my life; no probably all off my life, music has been a very important part of my life. From growing up in the 70’s and 80’s listening to my mom’s music and the rock bands of the 80’s, I have identified so much with music. I have those certain songs; that when I hear them, it takes me back to a time and a place and a memory, maybe even a big life event. I will admit that a lot of the music that I grew up listening to wasn’t the best for me to be influenced and listening to it now can completely change my mood and perspective; that is why I have chosen to not listen to; and there by be influenced by, the hair bands of the 80’s. Some would speak against that statement; however, while I know that there is some classic music from those times, I know where my thoughts and perspective goes when I listen to it and therefore choose to avoid listening to it. The music from the 80’s is a trigger for me.

In this season of my life; and I dare say, for the rest of my life life, I choose to listen to music that brings me closer to the God I love and triggers me in a positive direction. Music is still so much a part of my life and has great influence on my thoughts and perspective. This morning while listening to I will Carry You by Ellie Holcomb (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBGb5jG5v3Y), I was reminded of why I can trust Jesus with; not only my life, but also every cell, every organ, every detail of my life.

These are the lyrics of the song that struck me so profoundly this morning:

I Will Carry You by Ellie Holcomb

I know you’re tired, I see it in your eyes
All that anxiety that rules your mind
I’ll be your shield when you don’t feel like
You’ve got strength enough to fight
I’ll stand by your side

I will carry you
Through your darkest night
When you’re terrified
I will carry you
When the waters rise
When your hope runs dry
I will carry you

You are not the sum of your mistakes
You don’t have to hide the parts of you that ache
I choose you as you are a million times
‘Cause I am not ashamed of you
I won’t walk away from you

I will carry you
Through your darkest night
When you’re terrified
I will carry you
When the waters rise
When your hope runs dry
I will carry you

Up and over the mountains
Valley deep as the ocean
When you can’t keep going
I will shoulder your burdens
Up and over the mountains
Valley deep as the ocean
When you can’t keep going
I will shoulder your burdens

Why can I trust Jesus with my whole being, my whole heart, my whole everything? Because He will carry me through the good, the bad, and the everything in between. Now this is the best way to start my day; with a great reminder of the extent to which Jesus has gone for me and will go for me because of His beyond-my-comprehension love! A little while later; as I was on my morning walk, Holy Spirit began to put some things together for me. He first reminded me of the ‘why’ I can trust Jesus; and then He reminded me of the ‘what’ He is asking me to do by reminding me of a great song (of course) from quite a few years ago called Welcome Home by Shawn Groves (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPZtQGZUyMk). I will share the lyrics of this powerful song but first I want to share that this song reveals what Jesus is calling His followers to do; what God is calling His people to do; what Holy Spirit is leading and teaching us to do. Now I am a task-oriented person so I can get all wrapped up in the doing side of things; this is a weakness of mine, I tend to get so caught up in the doing that I miss out on the being with those around me. I don’t recommend this as a habit or hobby. God wants us to BE with Him first and foremost as we read in Psalm 46:10; I would look it up if you don’t already know what it says, I love this verse! Anyway, what God is asking us to ‘do’ comes out of our ‘BEING’ with Him; spending time with Him, talking with Him constantly, sharing His love with others, but most of all; as the words of Welcome Home remind us, God wants to be invited into every space of our being with nooooo exceptions. And when we invite Jesus into every cell and every detail of our lives, what a relationship we can have with the Lover of our souls!

Welcome Home by Shawn Groves

Take, me, make me
All You want me to be
That’s all I’m asking, all I’m asking

Welcome to this heart of mine
I’ve buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I’ve made
Inside of me
Come decorate, Lord
Open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remain
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the man I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded

Come inside this heart of mine
It’s not my own
Make it home
Come and take this heart and make it
All Your own
Welcome home

Take a seat, pull up a chair
Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning
Every closet’s filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered
I’m overwhelmed, I understand
I can’t make this place all that You can

I took the space that You placed in me
Redecorated in shades of greed
And I made sure every door stayed locked
Every window blocked, and still You knocked

Come inside this heart of mine
It’s not my own
Make it home
Come and take this heart and make it
All Your own
Welcome home

Take me, make me
All You want me to be
That’s all I’m asking, all I’m asking

What is God asking of His people? To be invited into every space of our lives; yes, even the messy difficult spaces that we think that we have to hold onto because only we know how to take care of them. Yes, even that one thing that just came to your mind. Yes, even that space that is surrounded by those protective walls; please let me share with you that those protective walls aren’t protecting you, they are holding you prisoner to the pain of that thing and to the enemy of your soul that keeps lying to you by telling you; in a voice that sounds like your own, that these walls will protect you. It’s all lies!

Why can we trust God with these spaces? Because He knows our every cell; our every minute; our every thought. And you know what, He made you; He’s crazy in love with you; and He will carry you!!!

A prayer from Jesus from John 17:26: “I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

“Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:18-20 NIV)

What are the spaces that Jesus hasn’t been invited into? Why hasn’t He been invited?

You are so loved!

DANCING WITH JESUS

As a little girl I dreamed of being a dancer. In my dreams, I danced beautifully all around the room. My elegant flowing gown sweeping across the floor like I was floating on air; being glided gracefully by my strong dance partner. We moved as one with grace and poise as though it was effortless. My dance partner and I were alone in the large beautiful space; there was a great glow streaming in through the windows, as though the radiance of God flooded the space. I wanted to stay in this space forever! Such peace. Such grace. Such love and acceptance. No fear. No shame. No hurt.

I am much older now and I still long for this sweet scene. To be dressed in the most beautiful ball gown with my King placing His crown on my head; He takes my hands in His and He glides me around the most beautiful ballroom, His radiance is filling the space. My King takes my hands in His and He glides us around the room in the most elegant dance I have ever seen. My dance with my King Jesus.

God is the creator of all things; an artist beyond our every imagination. He created the movements of dance; the messages of dance. There are so many messages in the art of dance. The artistry of the movements, the emotion of the dance, the connection of the partners; there can be no walls around either partner or the fluidity of the movements are disrupted and disastrous. When dancing with a partner, there cannot be a distance between the partners; either physically or connectively, or the message of the dance will change.

Another thought.

As an adult, I have considered ‘dancing with Jesus’ to be what a Christ follower will get to do once they arrive in Heaven after passing from this earth. I have had a change of mind; I still believe that Christ followers will get to dance with Jesus in Heaven; however, God has shown me that dancing with Jesus is also something that we can do here on earth when we remove the barriers standing between us and Jesus. When we are carrying shame, quilt, fear, wounds, etc., we aren’t able to see Jesus inviting us to dance with Him. These heavy bags also leave us unable to embrace Jesus fully or even get close enough to Him to move around the dancefloor.

So now what?

Every person’s dance looks different. Every person’s journey towards Jesus is different. The fact that is the same for all is that the heavy bags need to be left at the feet of Jesus so that we can take His hands and glide across His dancefloor surrounded by His radiance. Is this an easy task? No, but Jesus will help all along the way. Is it a one and done deal? No, but Jesus will be with you all along the way. Do I have to do this alone? No, you have Jesus and your people.

My dance with Jesus. Through the years, I have always loved to dance; some years the messages from my dancing were ‘different,’ but at this point in my life I see dance as a sign of healing from stuff of the past (Ecclesiastes 3:4; Jeremiah 31:13) and that my dream dance with my King Jesus seems a little more real. My current dance with Jesus looks like worship music in my ears, hands raised in worship, and some swaying back and forth. So if you see me in church during worship and you see my hands raised and body swaying, just know that I am enjoying a sweet dance with my King Jesus because He’s invited me to join Him (Psalm 149:3).

May you spend much time dancing with Jesus; every time He invites you to join Him!

DRAGONFLIES & SORROW

The life of a dragonfly begins as an egg laid underwater and it remains under water for the majority of it’s life. It is only after two to five years of toughing it out in the water that a larvae emerges into the sunlight, breaking out of its exoskeleton and transforms into the beautiful flying creature that has become a symbol of transformation and resilience.

A dragonfly’s life can be looked at in stages; the first stage being the egg, the second stage being the larvae, and the third stage being the dragonfly with wings to fly. Many people look at grief and sorrow in the same way. The experts have shared that there are stages of grief and how we need to move through each stage so that we can get to the ‘sunlight’ and be somehow on the other side of grief. Unlike the life stages of a dragonfly, the ‘stages of grief’ are not linear and those experiencing them may not experience everyone of them or experience them just once. It is possible to experience several of the stages in one day, only to experience all the same in the next day. What is similar with grief and sorrow to the stages of life of the dragonfly is that when we are strong enough to climb out of the proverbial water and break out of our grieving exoskeleton, we can grow our soaring wings and fly in the life that God created us for with the strength that He has created in us through the under water experience of grief.

During our times of underwater grief, we can be in a big hurry to get out of the water and make it to the sunlight; however, to rush to the sunlight we miss out on the strength that can be gained by living in the depths of the pain and sorrow of grief. Please hear my heart, I am not saying that we need to stay in the depths and just live there; I am saying that we need to swim toward the pain of the loss and allow God to grow us through it. In His infinite wisdom, God will give us the strength to grow in and through this pain and sorrow and then equip us to emerge from the water with the strength to soar in the life that He created us to live.

In our hurried and rushed life, we think that we need to get from here to there quickly; in reality, we sometimes just need to ‘be.’ Be in the moment. Be in the pain. Be in the sorrow. And know that God will be with us through it all.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 NIV

⁷“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
    whose confidence is in him.
⁸They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”

As we are strengthened and ready to emerge from the deep waters of pain and sorrow, what awaits us is a life where we can break out of the grief and grow our wings to soar in the strength that we have gained through our season in the water. The tree mention in Jeremiah 17:8 got it’s strength from weathering many storms through many seasons. It does not fear because it has experienced life and grown through it. We can trust God and put our confidence in Him because our growth and strength; not only comes from Him, but with Him.

NOTE: If you are journeying through grief, I highly recommend reading “A Grace Disguised: how the soul grows through loss” by Jerry Sittzer.

His Story, My Story

No matter our relationships, our loved ones are part of our story. The part of my story that I will share with you involves my son. He is my first born and only son. My sweet happy baby boy turned into a very active toddler with some behavioral issues. After talks with our doctor and a counselor, we saw better days with help of behavior modification and a medicine. This part of my mothering journey was prior to my relationship with Jesus. Now I know that prayer would have been a great resource for me back then.

At the age of four, my son was unofficially diagnosed ADHD and so began my journey to learn all I could about ADHD and what may possibly help us work through this. I explored meds, natural remedies, and book after book about the ADHD and child rearing in general. Trying to mother this boy was a roller coaster ride through the ups and downs of emotions and fits of throwing every toy out of his toy room at me in the kitchen. The times of being hugged and told “I love you” and in the next breath “I hate you;” this was my daily life. I remember the cycles of about six weeks of life being okay to six weeks of constant behavioral problems. The sweet times were so awesome and then the other times were so trying. Anyone with a child living with ADHD can probably relate.

When my Tad was ten years old, it was the greatest year! He was so compliant and happy. It was the reward before the punishment of the preteen and teen years. Those preteen and teen years were more of the roller coaster ride with the ups and downs surrounded by teen boy hormones. I saw my compliant boy turn into someone who attempted suicide; thankfully by weak means and no harm was done. Unfortunately, it was years later that he shared with me about this attempt so I couldn’t seek help for him, again. He began to get into fights at school, torment his younger sister, fight with me over every little thing, and become someone I didn’t recognize.

In high school Tad started hanging around students that smoked pot and who knows what else. Of course, most of what I know about his teen years came out much after high school. So why do I share all of this old story with others. As I process much about my son and his short life here on earth, I sense a huge nudge from God to share about Tad’s story as it relates to my story.

With a string of choices that Tad made, my life has been altered; not only by giving birth to him and co-raising him, but for the rest of my life here on earth. Out of protection of others I will not share at this time publicly all the details of Tad’s life; however, I will share that he learned first hand about having to deal with the consequences of his choices. Consequences were something that I; through his growing up years, couldn’t get him to comprehend. As an adult, he learned rather quickly how his choices led to things that he would regret down the road. Not only that, but those choices also impacted others around him.

Tad became a daddy to our wonderful Emmett at the young age of 19, without a way to financially support him.

Tad got his GED because he didn’t finish high school and didn’t want to go through adult education.

Tad quit college before he finished.

Tad attempted for years to self-medicate to battle the thoughts in his mind.

Tad was tormented every day by the choices that he made through his life.

Tad died at the age of 22 driving his dad’s Harley Davidson motorcycle; leaving his; then three year old, son to grow up without his daddy. (This accident was not his fault; he was hit by someone who ran a red light.)

My sweet happy baby boy was created by God for a purpose and God had a plan for his life. Tad brought his mama smiles, laughs, and great hugs. He also brought me along on the journey of his choices because they also impacted my life, my story. His story is part of my story. I thank God that Tad and I are both part of His Story!

Through the years since Tad’s passing, I have been thankful for the signs that God made sure were in place so that I could know that I will see my son again when I reach Heaven.

Here’s my prayer that I am inclined to share; only God knows why it is important for me to share this publicly.

Heavenly Father,

You gave Tad to his father and I for a season. That season was shorter than I expected but I so appreciate the love, laughs, and joy that you gave to me through my years of being Tad’s ma’. Oh how I hated that he called me ma’ but now I miss it so! I am so thankful to You for the miraculous way You worked in Tad’s life in turning him back to You in the last year and a half of his life here on earth. Thank you for the fabulous day as a family that You gave to us before he went to be with You in Heaven! Thank You for bringing me to a point that I can share with others about my story that includes Tad’s story! Lord God, You know how my heart aches and the tears sometimes flow because I miss Tad so. You also know better than I do the torment that Tad experienced every day because of the choices that he made earlier in his life. Jesus, as much as I miss Tad, I am glad that I can know that he is with You in perfection. Selfishly I want him with me but I would rather he be with You, the Savior of his soul. I love You, Lord God.

In Jesus Name I pray! Amen.

Hope's Table

What do we do with Life Experiences?

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