Lately, I have been considering what we; as human beings, take onto ourselves that really isn’t our responsibility. As parents, we tend to take on everything that is attached to our children; this is expected when they are little and unable to do for themselves, but when they become older and are able to do more for themselves it’s time for us to ‘let go’ and allow them; even push them, to do things for themselves even if they stumble or fail. Am I preaching on this? Maybe or maybe it’s just that I have lived this for myself and have learned the hard way; as we humans tend to do, that because out of love for my kids I did so many things for them, I actually handicapped them from learning how to stand on their own two feet and do for themselves. This led to my kids relying on; even expecting, that I would just do much for them that is actually their responsibility as an adult, a spouse, and a parent. My intent was to love them and do all I could for them because I wanted to be the ‘perfect’ mom. While my heart was in a good place, my choices and actions were misguided. In looking at the definition of a helicopter parent, I would say that I was one. Now, I can say that I am recovering from that; however, the damage is done. It is said that a helicopter parent is involved in every area of a child’s life out of the desire to give them all the things that they lacked in their own childhood or the fear of dire consequences, among other possible motivations. This is understandable and I believe that it is done with a heart of love; however, the outcomes for the child may not so loving.

Some negative outcomes to helicopter parenting are:

It can lead to poor coping and problem-solving skills.

It can results in a poor sense of self; low self-confidence and a low self esteem, and therefore lead to various mental health conditions.

The child can develop a sense of entitlement; that the parent(s) will always provide for all of their needs.

The child may develop lower patience levels and higher frustration bars.

“Well that is not it! Keeping your child under your surveillance 24/7 and protecting them in a small shell with no interaction with the world, accompanes various other issues. The chances of kids with helicopter parents developing signs and symptoms of depression and anxiety is higher when compared to those who practice other parenting styles. Some of the underlying reasons that explains this link between helicopter parenting and depression and anxiety are:

1. Nervousness to make decisions on their own.
2. Less chances of being open to new ideas makes them self-conscious.
3. The fear of failure becomes overwhelming.
4. Difficulty identifying what truly drives them makes them question themselves.
5. Never getting a chance to understand oneself can drift them away from happiness.” (taken from https://www.calmsage.com/helicopter-parenting/)

Of course there’s good that comes from being a helicopter parent as well.

These parents are always aware of what is going on with their kids.

If there’s something that needs to be addressed and resolved, they tend to take care of it.

Children of helicopter parents tend to feel loved and wanted.

With the maternal support, these kids tend to develop socially acceptable behavior.

These kiddos tend to excel emotionally and academically in their lives.

I don’t know if others have coined this term or not; but I have seen a parenting style emerge that I call a curler parent. In the sport of curling “Curlers sweep the ice to help the stone travel farther and straighter. Sweeping in front of the stone reduces friction and helps the curlers control the amount of curl the stone undergoes. The sweeping quickly heats and melts the pebbles on the ice leaving a film of water. This film reduces the friction between the stone and ice.  The curling team is strategic in how much sweeping they do in front of each stone. If they want a stone to travel farther with less curl, they sweep more. If they want more curl or shorter travel, they do less sweeping. The position of the sweepers is also strategic. The sweeper closer to the stone has more influence because the stone has more time to travel over the water film before it re-freezes. Curling is the only sport where you can change the direction of a projectile once it leaves the thrower’s hand.” (according to the Smithsonian Science Education Center)

This reminds me of the times that I tried to look ahead and smooth their path so that they wouldn’t have a rough time in whatever they were experiencing. I; out of love and a misguided sense of parenting, thought that it was being a good mom if I made sure to make things easier for them. I thought I was helping them by making sure their path was smooth and they didn’t have to experience hurt and heartache. In hindsight, I really wish that I understand thirty-something years ago how wrong my thoughts of parenting were and looked more to how God parents His children. I now see and understand that the best we can do as parents is to provide protection for them that is conducive to their growth and development and empower them to make choices and decisions that are age appropriate; and then allow them to suffer the natural consequences that occur with the choices that they make. Parenting our children has different phases and stages and they are dependent on the age and situation that our kids are in. When they are infants, they rely on us for all things; that is expected. As they grow into toddlers, they need our support, encouragement, and nudge to reach each new developmental step of physical, emotional, and spiritual growth. As they begin to be able to comprehend consequences to choices at the age of three, it is appropriate to start to give them small choices like do you want to wear this or that; our would you like to each an orange or an apple. If there’s consequences to these choices, it’s okay for them to be uncomfortable as they venture through them; we need to not give into their discomfort, they will be okay. As kiddos grow and the decisions grow, we need to make sure that we are releasing them to make bigger, more age appropriate decisions and continue to let them be uncomfortable through the consequences. As they get into teenage years, our kiddos need us to be their coach and cheerleader and disciplinarian when warranted. The foundation is laid for these years as they grow from infancy. Once they are teens, the time to parent them as we used to has changed and it is a necessary change for moving on into adulthood. As a parent of adult children, I have looked back and learned much from the way I parented my two kids and the ways that I wished that I had done things differently. One thing that I don’t regret is that my kids; and now my grandkids, have no doubt in their minds that I love them and all that I do for them is out of the love that I have for them. Whether or not I have made right choices in how I parented my kids, I pray that all the things that I have learned through the years will be a benefit to others that come after me as parents. Parenting is one of the hardest things in this life; the best way to go through it is to handle it with God and with much prayer!