As I entered my room, I saw the bathroom mirror was slightly cloudy.
I’m struggling to admit and recognize where I am. I’m struggling to accept that, even though I ‘know’ Truth, those words could be said by God, or anyone else, to me. I know the ugliness inside of me. I feel like I don’t deserve God’s love and forgiveness even though I know we all fall short. I feel closed off. I feel like an imposter.
To trust … I have to let my guard down.
I want to be seen and known and at the same time, I want to hide. I want to be seen and known by Jesus. Shame over past decisions of my own and others made for me, make me want to hide.
The mirror is more cloudy.
I keep holding onto my sin as a badge, allowing the enemy to keep a grip on me. UGH!
“Open, shut them, open, shut them,” this childhood song plays in my mind as I see the pattern of my own making. I start to open up to what God is saying to me, and just that quickly, I shut down. I start to open up again and soon the vault door closes … again.
My habits have muscle memory.
I couldn’t sing ‘Run to the Father’ because I felt that I didn’t deserve to run to the Father and be comforted by him.
God is always healing. I want to accept his healing. Jesus goes out of his way to meet with me. Jesus does not condemn me. He is so kind.
The mirror is more cloudy.
I need to realize where I am. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus came so that I may have a full life.
In prayer, I see myself on a bluff with the Holy Spirit. He’s tall, strong, loving, and comforting. He gave me the name Domicile. I am a dwelling place, a home. He embraces me with his strong arms and I lean into his chest.
I see many trees with beautifully colored Autumn leaves. A canopy of beauty.
God is inviting me to come out of hiding.
The mirror is cloudy because I haven’t been seeing myself clearly.
A realization that I’m in a battle over my beauty.
A false belief my whole life that I can’t be beautiful. I’m forced to search for the reasons why I have believed this.
~ As a little girl, I was constantly called a boy no matter how I was dressed or how long my hair was. Conclusion: Boys can’t be beautiful.
~ Comparing myself to others. If they are the standard for beauty, I can’t be beautiful because I don’t look like them.
~ I’ve sinned. I’ve made wrong choices. I’ve thought ugly thoughts. Conclusion: I can’t be beautiful. I can’t look at God or others in the eye because of my ugly sin.
~ The belief that I will never measure up to _____ so I can’t be beautiful.
“Please Lord Jesus, help me to see myself as your bride.”
When I was a little girl, my mom spent much time teaching me how to use yarn and a crochet hook to make things; such as, blankets, scarves, and pillows. I loved the process of taking a new skein of pretty colored yarn, making it into a ball, and then starting the many hours of crocheting the strands of yarn into something usable and pretty. It was usually a pillow or small blanket that I would make, only to take it apart to create something else, or make the same type of item in another way. My parents didn’t have a lot of money so there wasn’t an endless amount of yarn to work with, so I would just keep ‘recycling’ the same skein of yarn. My mom tried to teach me how to knit; however, I just couldn’t get the first few rows right so I would just crochet. I preferred crocheting to knitting anyway because progress was seen much quicker with crocheting and I have always been about seeing progress in what I do. It’s always fascinated me how I could take a very long strand of yarn and make something so beautiful, so useful, so warm, and comfortable. And how something so simple as a strand of yarn could make something so strong and durable like a blanket, scarf, or pillow.
During my childhood, there were some other strands that were being woven together that created something very strong. It seemed to be warm and comforting, and maybe useful at times; however, that turned out to be a lie just like the things that I believed about myself. The strands of lies that I believed created something, but I wouldn’t call it beautiful like the things that I crocheted out of yarn. The strands of lies created within me an insecurity. The lies falsely advertised that they were correct, that they would keep me safe if I just trusted them, that I couldn’t trust others; even if they claimed to be safe. The garments that these strands of lies created were cloaks of shame and hiding and guilt. This was not something that I knew I was choosing; I was just a little girl, but it; nonetheless, was what I chose to create with the strands that were provided for me.
The garments that are created by lies are anything but beautiful, warm, comforting, useful, or durable. They are a false covering, a false sense of security, a false surrounding, a false …….; you can fill in the rest I am sure. The garment of shame says “I am bad” and it can lead to feelings of inferiority, to destructive behaviors, self-pity, passivity, withdrawal or hiding, living with a drive toward drivenness, codependency, self-loathing, and/or a distorted body image. The garment of guilt says “I did something bad,” and it carries with it feelings of being dirty, ugly, unworthy, and unlovable. The garment of guilt likes to hang around with the garment of shame; they are best buds and enjoy building on each other. The garment of guilt likes to camouflage itself in relationship issues, in personal struggles, in distorted perspectives, and in misplaced motivations. The strands (lies) that are woven together to create these false garments infect the entire garment and the one wearing it. These garments are so different from the beautiful, warm, comfortable, useful items that I created out of yarn; but are they? Both start with a strand. Both are woven together over time. Both are created at the hands of humans. But they are different because one is meant for good and the other is meant for evil.
I know that even what is meant for evil can be turned into good; in the Hands of an Almighty God. Over time, those same garments of shame, guilt, and hiding; when placed into the Hands of God, can be redeemed for acceptance, love, and grace. The lies that I believed as a child; over years, became woven garments of shame, guilt, hiding, etc.; however, I placed these garments in the Hands of my Almighty, Sovereign, Victorious Warrior God and what He’s given me is the most beautiful red velvet ball gown to wear. He’s placed the most magnificent gold; with diamonds princess crown on my head, and He’s orchestrated the most majestic ball in my honor so that He and I can be together for eternity in His majesty. The most fabulous thing about this is that God has had this celebration planned for all of time. He has been pursuing me, just as I was; icky garments and all! Just like it took much time and patience for God to retrain the Israelites after their long season of slavery in Egypt, God has been patiently pulling the strands of lies from my own life and He’s creating me to be the beautiful masterpiece that He planned long before I was conceived in my mother’s womb.
What about you? Have you placed your icky garments into the merciful Hands of God so that He can bestow upon you your beautiful garments and royal crown? When we give Jesus our ashes, He gives us His glorious Beauty; God’s Word says so.
For most of my life; no probably all off my life, music has been a very important part of my life. From growing up in the 70’s and 80’s listening to my mom’s music and the rock bands of the 80’s, I have identified so much with music. I have those certain songs; that when I hear them, it takes me back to a time and a place and a memory, maybe even a big life event. I will admit that a lot of the music that I grew up listening to wasn’t the best for me to be influenced and listening to it now can completely change my mood and perspective; that is why I have chosen to not listen to; and there by be influenced by, the hair bands of the 80’s. Some would speak against that statement; however, while I know that there is some classic music from those times, I know where my thoughts and perspective goes when I listen to it and therefore choose to avoid listening to it. The music from the 80’s is a trigger for me.
In this season of my life; and I dare say, for the rest of my life life, I choose to listen to music that brings me closer to the God I love and triggers me in a positive direction. Music is still so much a part of my life and has great influence on my thoughts and perspective. This morning while listening to I will Carry You by Ellie Holcomb (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBGb5jG5v3Y), I was reminded of why I can trust Jesus with; not only my life, but also every cell, every organ, every detail of my life.
These are the lyrics of the song that struck me so profoundly this morning:
I Will Carry You by Ellie Holcomb
I know you’re tired, I see it in your eyes All that anxiety that rules your mind I’ll be your shield when you don’t feel like You’ve got strength enough to fight I’ll stand by your side
I will carry you Through your darkest night When you’re terrified I will carry you When the waters rise When your hope runs dry I will carry you
You are not the sum of your mistakes You don’t have to hide the parts of you that ache I choose you as you are a million times ‘Cause I am not ashamed of you I won’t walk away from you
I will carry you Through your darkest night When you’re terrified I will carry you When the waters rise When your hope runs dry I will carry you
Up and over the mountains Valley deep as the ocean When you can’t keep going I will shoulder your burdens Up and over the mountains Valley deep as the ocean When you can’t keep going I will shoulder your burdens
Why can I trust Jesus with my whole being, my whole heart, my whole everything? Because He will carry me through the good, the bad, and the everything in between. Now this is the best way to start my day; with a great reminder of the extent to which Jesus has gone for me and will go for me because of His beyond-my-comprehension love! A little while later; as I was on my morning walk, Holy Spirit began to put some things together for me. He first reminded me of the ‘why’ I can trust Jesus; and then He reminded me of the ‘what’ He is asking me to do by reminding me of a great song (of course) from quite a few years ago called Welcome Home by Shawn Groves (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPZtQGZUyMk). I will share the lyrics of this powerful song but first I want to share that this song reveals what Jesus is calling His followers to do; what God is calling His people to do; what Holy Spirit is leading and teaching us to do. Now I am a task-oriented person so I can get all wrapped up in the doing side of things; this is a weakness of mine, I tend to get so caught up in the doing that I miss out on the being with those around me. I don’t recommend this as a habit or hobby. God wants us to BE with Him first and foremost as we read in Psalm 46:10; I would look it up if you don’t already know what it says, I love this verse! Anyway, what God is asking us to ‘do’ comes out of our ‘BEING’ with Him; spending time with Him, talking with Him constantly, sharing His love with others, but most of all; as the words of Welcome Home remind us, God wants to be invited into every space of our being with nooooo exceptions. And when we invite Jesus into every cell and every detail of our lives, what a relationship we can have with the Lover of our souls!
Welcome Home by Shawn Groves
Take, me, make me All You want me to be That’s all I’m asking, all I’m asking
Welcome to this heart of mine I’ve buried under prideful vines Grown to hide the mess I’ve made Inside of me Come decorate, Lord Open up the creaking door And walk upon the dusty floor Scrape away the guilty stains Until no sin or shame remain Spread Your love upon the walls And occupy the empty halls Until the man I am has faded No more doors are barricaded
Come inside this heart of mine It’s not my own Make it home Come and take this heart and make it All Your own Welcome home
Take a seat, pull up a chair Forgive me for the disrepair And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling Gathered on my search for meaning Every closet’s filled with clutter Messes yet to be discovered I’m overwhelmed, I understand I can’t make this place all that You can
I took the space that You placed in me Redecorated in shades of greed And I made sure every door stayed locked Every window blocked, and still You knocked
Come inside this heart of mine It’s not my own Make it home Come and take this heart and make it All Your own Welcome home
Take me, make me All You want me to be That’s all I’m asking, all I’m asking
What is God asking of His people? To be invited into every space of our lives; yes, even the messy difficult spaces that we think that we have to hold onto because only we know how to take care of them. Yes, even that one thing that just came to your mind. Yes, even that space that is surrounded by those protective walls; please let me share with you that those protective walls aren’t protecting you, they are holding you prisoner to the pain of that thing and to the enemy of your soul that keeps lying to you by telling you; in a voice that sounds like your own, that these walls will protect you. It’s all lies!
Why can we trust God with these spaces? Because He knows our every cell; our every minute; our every thought. And you know what, He made you; He’s crazy in love with you; and He will carry you!!!
A prayer from Jesus from John 17:26: “I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”
“Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:18-20 NIV)
What are the spaces that Jesus hasn’t been invited into? Why hasn’t He been invited?
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the need for connection in our lives and the effects of isolation. In the beginning of mankind, God had created a wonderous garden where He placed Adam and Eve; those He created in His own image, to be in connection with them. Sin crept in and caused a separation from what God had intended. In response to the sin, Adam and Eve went into isolation from God in two ways; they attempted to cover up their vulnerability and regret with fig leaves and then when they realized God’s presence in the garden, they attempted to hid from Him out of fear.
“7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”
10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” Genesis 3:7-11 (NIV)
So many years later, we are still isolating ourselves from God and others because of the enemy-imposed guilt and shame that we carry. God has given us the antidote to this first generation issue; Love Him and love others. The only way to do this is through connection. We need connection to God through His Holy Spirit and connection to others powered by Holy Spirit. Can I get an ‘Amen!’
Seemingly random questions: What do you talk to your friends about? What would you really like to talk to them about?
“6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV)
Who do you have on speed dial and actually call when you are hurting or when things get rough?
Hiding seems to lead to isolation which leads to more isolation and being vulnerable to the attacks of the enemy. Unsafe! Connection to God seems to lead to more connection with Him and a humble vulnerability to His heart and purposes. Safe! Connection to others; although pain may come, will lead to a growing vulnerability to the love God has intended for His children through the connecting with others in relationship. God’s Love on earth known and felt!
May your connection with God and His people grow stronger and the isolation trick of the enemy become an ugly thing of the past!
Hope's Table 