Tag Archives: healing

Fighting for Hope After The Death of a Child

Blog post written by Amy DeBerg in relation to the GraceStory podcast : “Hope: What Does it Mean to Fight for Hope?” (To listen to the podcast: https://www.gracestoryministries.com/podcast/episode/8a92be68/hope-what-does-it-mean-to-fight-for-hope-sue-bowles )

To read this post and others and to listen view the podcast library, go to https://www.gracestoryministries.com/

Fighting for hope can look differently given the context. In the latest episode of GraceStory Podcast, Master Certified Mental Health and Life Coach Sue Bowles shared several different aspects of fighting for hope. Including an emotional example of a time when she found herself fighting for hope during her parents’ divorce. 

Sue defined hope as ‘daring to believe when everything humanly and intellectually is telling you otherwise.’ She further explained hope as daring to hold God to his word until he shows up. As I listened to hope explained in this way, I was taken back to July 2014 with the loss of my 22-year-old son. I clung to hope as I struggled to breathe, at times, and found myself struggling to make it through each moment. Step-by-step. Day-by-day. That’s how I moved forward. 

A friend had advised Sue to watch her steps as she took each one forward. I can relate to that. Sometimes … that’s all I could do. Especially the times I was trying to work through my grief on my own. As Sue mentioned, trudging through in isolation leads to not being able to trust my own thoughts. However, when I chose to share my struggles with one or two trusted people, I made room for God to show up and walk alongside me in healing. God had blessed my family and I with multiple church and workplace families. These individuals and several hundred others that we didn’t know, prayed us through and gave us the support we didn’t even realize we were receiving. The love we received by fighting for hope in community carried me through some pretty difficult days, and continues to as there are still some times when the waves of grief threaten to overtake me. 

My Toolbox: 

*I’ve seen hope in the past through sharing my struggles with a trusted friend. *I declared that God would use my experience to help others because I surrendered it to him. *I have used what I’ve learned through my loss to comfort others in their moments of grief. *I’m writing a book as a way to continue my healing and help others through theirs. Acknowledge my emotions: 

My heart hurts from the absence of my son. 

I’m mad about what I’m missing out on with him. 

What am I grateful for: 

I am grateful for the 22 years I had with my son. 

I am grateful for the community God placed around me. 

Prompt: Build a Fighting for Hope Toolbox by integrating hope building strategies into your life. Ask yourself and maybe journal about the steps Sue shared in the podcast. 1- Identify where you’ve seen hope in the past? What’s helped in the past? 2- Where have you told God you’re expecting him to show up? 

3- How can that experience apply to your current situation? 

4- Build on your current situation. 

Since anxiety and gratitude cannot coexist, acknowledge your emotions before God AND speak truth and statements of gratitude. 

And remember, you matter and so do your emotions.

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Letting Go

Letting Go 

     Just let go and let God. Let go and trust God. Who hasn’t heard some variation of those directives. And who hasn’t thought to themselves or even said out loud, “But what if …?” There’s nothing easy about letting go of things we’ve held tightly to. Starting a statement with ‘just’ gives the sense of this action being easy. Just walk away. Just stand up. Just close your eyes. These directives are easy, or so they seem.

     In my current situation, I’m learning more and more what it truly looks like to ‘let go.’ In April of this year, my husband and I came to the mutual decision that it is time to move again. This came after many conversations and prayer. The recurring thoughts of selling our current house and what the next stage of our lives would be, led us to believe it’s that time … again. The longest he and I have lived anywhere is five years. The home we lived in at that time was a double-wide we had set on four acres we purchased from my parents. This property was next to where I grew up. So familiar. So beautiful. So much ‘home’ to me. I even declared as our double-wide halves were being driven onto the property, “I’m finally home.” At the time I had no understanding about Heaven being my true home. I knew God, however, not in an intimate way.

     After living in the double-wide for five years, God revealed it was time to move on into what he had for us next. Here we are about twenty years later, in a similar position. Only this time, we aren’t as certain as to what’s next for us in the way of living arrangements. When we moved from that beautiful homey location near my parents, we knew we were buying a house about thirty minutes away from that location. At this juncture, we know few things.

  1. We are to live simply and simply live. All but necessities are to be let go of.
  2. God won’t let us know what’s next until we leave what’s right now. 
  3. Our home for the summer is our new camper which will be settled nicely on a seasonal lot in the town we know we are being drawn to.
  4. Listed last, however, it was the first thing we knew for sure. Abba is drawing my husband and I back to the town I grew up in. The town our double-wide was in.

     The process of moving, this time, has been very different. Each time we’ve moved until now, we would downsize and ‘let go’ of things, however, this time is so much different because of only keeping necessities. As we cleaned and prepped the house to sell, I began to ask myself and God, “What do I truly need?” There were several items I didn’t need to ask, God whispered sweetly in my ear, “Let it go.” My third time sorting through my closet, Abba gently guided me in seeing, “it’s time to let someone else enjoy that.” This was the message with several of my favorite clothing items.

     Probably the most difficult part of letting go of so many things was the time I spent going through the pictures, clothes, and belongings of my loved ones who’ve passed away. Moving through the process led me into another layer of grieving. I went through almost forty-eight hours of feeling immensely heavy-hearted. I asked Abba what was going on with me because I felt so weighed down I couldn’t even bring myself to fake a smile. He said, in his most loving way, “You are grieving many things.” This made complete sense to me. Quickly I recalled all the pictures and such I had looked through. The items I threw away and gave away and the little bit I placed into a tote to store. The memories. The emotions that went along with all those things. Not to mention the reality of grieving a complete lifestyle change. I am walking through another layer and a new layer of mourning that I’ve not experienced before.  

     “Oh Father, thank you for helping me to see this. Now I have some idea of how to proceed. Grieving, I’m well versed in grieving. My mom passed away nearly twenty-one years ago. We are almost to the eleventh anniversary of our son’s passing. I find God’s timing to be beyond words. Our first camper payment is due July fourth, the date our son was taken from us through a motorcycle accident. Our moving date is July eleventh, the date we said our goodbyes to Tad through his funeral. No coincidence, God-incidence. My dad and in-laws have also passed. I’m no stranger to mourning. It’s hard stuff!

     Next Father shared with me that he’s preparing me for my journey ahead. It’s so beautiful to me how God cares for me. He takes time to prepare me for the big things in life. The love of God, I just cannot grasp.

Letting go. 

Letting go of my expectations.

Letting go of the ‘things’ I’ve found my security in, outside of God.

Letting go of the stuff I held onto because it belonged to someone special to me.

Letting go of fears.

Letting go of my need for control of the present and the future.

Letting go. 

For more on my journey and how coaching can guide you on yours, contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com.

For more on Prepare-Journey-Debrief-Repeat. And journal along the way. Order my book Wilderness Journey Living Journal: Taking Steps Toward God by emailing me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com

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Becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God Part 3

     [From Part 2]   In looking at where my fears came from, I have learned the seeds were planted, watered, and grew from wounds in my past experiences.

     To clarify, when I say ‘The Past,’ I am referring to everything up to this moment.  An interesting thing I am learning about the past is, it has limits.  It can only go up to this moment and cannot be changed. Though the past can be redeemed, only by God.  I will share later how I’ve experienced the Lord’s redemption power personally.

* The enemy likes to use the things in our painful past to puncture holes in our redeemed future.  

* Because the enemy is a liar, coward and has no imagination, he likes to remind us of past choices and mistakes. This tactic keeps old wounds open and raw, continuing to cause us pain.  

* “Sometimes we disfigure ourselves by what we think about ourselves rather than by what we do to ourselves. Some people have been disfigured emotionally because of what others did to them when they were children. Sometimes our memory banks become warehouses of beliefs and feelings that cripple our progress.” ― H. Norman Wright  

*Our wounds, left open can keep us shackled to fear and unforgiveness, making connections with God and others difficult. 

     I’ve learned that my fears stem from past experiences. There were a couple of dynamics that spoke volumes into my painful past and fed my little girl fears.

  1. During my growing up years, my mom was in and out of mental hospitals because of the extensive abuse she suffered as a child. Her mental illness and suicide attempts aided in our household being dysfunctional and unpredictable. My mom’s wounds and fears ran deep from her own childhood. 
  2. As a child I was physically and emotionally abused by my grandfather and verbally abused by my grandmother.  Their dislike for me, their granddaughter, was made known. When no one was around, my grandfather would pick up my skinny little body and shake me. He would often put me over his knees to spank me while asking, “What have you done today to deserve a spankin’?” My grandmother, on a couple of different occasions, had my sister and I set the dinner table while our dad was working outside. As we were setting the table, we realized there was one place setting missing. When my sister mentioned the lacking dishes, our grandmother stated, “Amy can eat at home.” For my growing little girl mind, these words and actions created wounds and planted seeds of fear and rejection. 

     I’ve found that my fears that started from childhood, have been the driving force in a lot of my decisions. They’ve paralyzed me and kept me silent when I should have spoken up for myself or others. Becoming aware of the fears and their source has been a step forward in feeling safe and less afraid. Learning that God is my strength and my shield has been a truth I hold on to.

      Through years of healing, prayer, and study, I’ve learned my little girl mind subconsciously developed ways to protect myself by avoiding hard situations and trying to be perfect so as to not do anything ‘deserving of a spankin’. All the while, what was happening was unconsciously agreeing with the words spoken over me. By agreeing with the words, the lies, I made agreements with the enemy of my soul which he was all too happy to hold me to. These agreements or self protective vows were how my wounded mind and heart tried to protect me. What it actually did was keep me in a deep cycle of constant, sometimes subconscious, emotional and spiritual pain. The way out, the way to healing, began with Jesus. 

NOTE: To learn about breaking free of the self protective vows, contact Thirteenth Tribe Ministries at https://www.ttmin.org/

To talk to me about coaching through goals for the future, email me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com.

In Part 4 we will talk about how our Perspective impacts our becoming deep real authentic woman of God.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection

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The Mirror was Cloudy

 As I entered my room, I saw the bathroom mirror was slightly cloudy.

I’m struggling to admit and recognize where I am. I’m struggling to accept that, even though I ‘know’ Truth, those words could be said by God, or anyone else, to me. I know the ugliness inside of me. I feel like I don’t deserve God’s love and forgiveness even though I know we all fall short. I feel closed off. I feel like an imposter.

To trust … I have to let my guard down.

I want to be seen and known and at the same time, I want to hide. I want to be seen and known by Jesus. Shame over past decisions of my own and others made for me, make me want to hide.

The mirror is more cloudy.

I keep holding onto my sin as a badge, allowing the enemy to keep a grip on me. UGH!

“Open, shut them, open, shut them,” this childhood song plays in my mind as I see the pattern of my own making. I start to open up to what God is saying to me, and just that quickly, I shut down. I start to open up again and soon the vault door closes … again. 

My habits have muscle memory. 

I couldn’t sing ‘Run to the Father’ because I felt that I didn’t deserve to run to the Father and be comforted by him.

God is always healing. I want to accept his healing. Jesus goes out of his way to meet with me. Jesus does not condemn me. He is so kind.

The mirror is more cloudy. 

I need to realize where I am. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus came so that I may have a full life.

In prayer, I see myself on a bluff with the Holy Spirit. He’s tall, strong, loving, and comforting. He gave me the name Domicile. I am a dwelling place, a home. He embraces me with his strong arms and I lean into his chest. 

I see many trees with beautifully colored Autumn leaves. A canopy of beauty. 

God is inviting me to come out of hiding. 

The mirror is cloudy because I haven’t been seeing myself clearly. 

A realization that I’m in a battle over my beauty. 

A false belief my whole life that I can’t be beautiful. I’m forced to search for the reasons why I have believed this.

~ As a little girl, I was constantly called a boy no matter how I was dressed or how long my hair was. Conclusion: Boys can’t be beautiful.

~ Comparing myself to others. If they are the standard for beauty, I can’t be beautiful because I don’t look like them.

~ I’ve sinned. I’ve made wrong choices. I’ve thought ugly thoughts. Conclusion: I can’t be beautiful. I can’t look at God or others in the eye because of my ugly sin.

~ The belief that I will never measure up to _____ so I can’t be beautiful.

“Please Lord Jesus, help me to see myself as your bride.”

“My Beloved, will you be my bride?”

“Yes, I will.”

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THE MESSY MIDDLE

“Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals.  Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades.  Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.  One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years.  When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

 “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”  At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.” (John 5:1-9 NIV)

[Warning: This post is a real and raw post meant to help others with truths that I am learning on my own journey.]

As I prayed, Holy Spirit brought to mind the paralytic that had been unable to walk for 38 years, until Jesus went to see him at the Pool of Bethesda. Jesus asked the man if he wanted to get well and the man gave Jesus excuses as to why he wasn’t healed. These excuses were all based on how others have not helped him or got in his way of being healed.

It occurred to me that I am that human being. I have blamed others for my not ‘getting well’ and becoming ‘holy confident.’ I have tried many manmade antidotes to be ‘healed;’ to no avail. I have sought God, but not trusted Him for His outcome; I have been seeking my own outcome. Maybe it’s in this ‘messy middle;’ with my struggling insecurity, that I am to relate to others. I have always believed that I have to be ‘on the other side of’ insecurity and the other things, in order to truly be used by God; however, that’s a lie because God can use me no matter what stage of spiritual growth I am in. This messy middle ground is where I am the closest to God and so I think I will just ‘be here’ until He moves me elsewhere; or He chooses to heal me of this current stuff. Whichever it is, I will trust God for the outcome.

In considering what the Pool of Bethesda can represent, this is what came to mind:

Seeking others’ approval for worth/value

Pretending to be someone I am not

Intellectualizing things to make it seem like I know more than others or because I want to lean on my own understanding, instead of God

Endless learning without application

Asking God to ‘heal’ me or to speak to me but then not listen for the answer

Building walls around my heart to keep others at a distance

Rejecting others before they have a chance to reject me

Just sitting in limbo and not stepping out in faith; not trusting God for the outcomes

Avoidance of the difficult stuff

My prayer is that in my transparency, you will find a nugget of truth that will be helpful for you. God gives us our testimonies not to keep them to ourselves, but to be a beacon of light and hope to others. May God’s light shine on your own path and illuminate; not only your path, but the paths of those around you!

#healing

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GET UP!

A few days ago I was reading John chapter 5 as part of my daily reading for a Discipleship Group that I am a part of. As I was reading, some of the red lettered words of Jesus just seem to jump off the page at me and they have continued to repeatedly come alive in my thoughts ever since that day. Each time I read and consider Jesus’ Words that He spoke so long ago, I am given a fuller picture of just how I can learn from and view His instructions for my life today. Then during some PRAYER time today I sensed Holy Spirit pushing me to blog about these thoughts; this is usually a prompting that means that someone else can benefit as well from this revelation. The verses are; as I mentioned, from John chapter 5 where John tells us about a man that had been lame for 38 years and was waiting by a healing pool for a chance to be healed but others had kept going before him.

6″ When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?” 7 “I can’t, sir,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. Someone else always gets there ahead of me.” 8 Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!” 9 Instantly, the man was healed! He rolled up his sleeping mat and began walking! But this miracle happened on the Sabbath, 10 so the Jewish leaders objected. They said to the man who was cured, “You can’t work on the Sabbath! The law doesn’t allow you to carry that sleeping mat!” 11 But he replied, “The man who healed me told me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’” 12 “Who said such a thing as that?” they demanded. 13 The man didn’t know, for Jesus had disappeared into the crowd. 14 But afterward Jesus found him in the Temple and told him, “Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse may happen to you.” 15 Then the man went and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who had healed him.”

“Would you like to get well?” This question may seem odd but not if you truly consider it. We have been walking around for years or decades carrying the same baggage, pain, ‘chip on our shoulder;’ you name it, and wonder why we aren’t getting any better physically, emotionally or spiritually. Do we REALLY want to get well or do we want someone else to magically take away those things from our lives that helped us be the way we are today; or do we just want to hold on to those things so we have an excuse for why we are the way we are?

“Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!” This verse has stimulated the most thought for me. To me, there are three distinctive parts to the statement by Jesus. Stand up. This takes thought, a direct and motivated action of the will. We can’t sit by and expect anyone else to do what God has created each of us to do. We have to purposefully choose to take action. Pick up your mat. Whatever is our baggage, pain, chip; whatever it is, we have to take control of it instead of it controlling us. We don’t need to have Jesus supernaturally take all our hurts, pains and baggage from us; God allowed us to walk through those things so that we can help others who are walking that journey right now and can use some support and encouragement. We can choose to pick up the ‘stuff’ and use it to bring glory to God and help to those who desperately need it or we can let it continue to be the thing that stops us from the life that Jesus died on the Cross to make us free from. Walk. Choosing to ‘stand up’ and taking hold of the ‘stuff’ from our lives will result in nothing if we don’t MOVE FORWARD with it. I am still seeking God for what this looks like for me; however, I know that because I am willing to stand up and grab those things that have; for years brought me to paralysis, and hand them all over to my Saviour, He will guide me how to use it all for His glory and my good.

” Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse may happen to you.” Contemplating this verse during a Prayer time, led me to Isaiah 40:31 ” But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Trusting in and relying on God will give us the strength and all that we need to get well and stay well. I know that sometimes our complete healing does not happen and totally understand that sometimes it seems that no matter how hard we PRAY God is not ‘coming through as we think He will’; however, I do know that God is faithful and sometimes healing looks differently than we imagine so that God’s glory is revealed. Our charge is to just be obedient and trust that the God of the universe; that created all things, can handle what we have going on in our lives. If we choose to trust God and love on Him, He will strengthen us so that we can soar as the eagles; if we choose to go back to or continue in our sin even after we know the Truth of Jesus, we will suffer greater pains and not life our lives with the strength and assurance that is possible through the power of Holy Spirit in our lives.

I love how God’s Word can come so alive when we focus on Him. I PRAY that you are motivated today by the love and redemptive power of our Lord Jesus and feel the showers of Blessings that I am PRAYING over you.

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