BECOMING A DEEP REAL AUTHENTIC WOMAN OF GOD Part 4

[From Part 3] Through years of healing, prayer, and study, I’ve learned my little girl mind subconsciously developed ways to protect myself by avoiding hard situations and trying to be perfect so as to not do anything ‘deserving of a spankin’. All the while, what was happening was unconsciously agreeing with the words spoken over me. By agreeing with the words, the lies, I made agreements with the enemy of my soul which he was all too happy to hold me to. These agreements or self protective vows were how my wounded mind and heart tried to protect me. What it actually did was keep me in a deep cycle of constant, sometimes subconscious, emotional and spiritual pain. The way out, the way to healing, began with Jesus.

I feel this is a great point to stop and recap what I’ve shared so far. We are looking at four barriers to communication in Becoming Deep Real Authentic Women of God. Barriers can be spiritual and/or emotional chains that bind us and keep us from being free to be who God has created us to be.

Fears. In looking at where fears come from, seeds are planted, watered, and grow from wounds in our past experiences.
Past. Our wounds from the past/our childhood, left open can keep us shackled to fear and unforgiveness, making connections with God and others difficult. The way out, the way to healing, begins with Jesus.
Perspective.

Each of us have our own lenses or perspective we see life through. This perspective is tinted by life experiences, personality, DNA, and more. We have all learned through the feelings and beliefs about ourselves that have been stored up and treasured through our lives. This makes up our perspective about ourselves, God, and others.

A reality for each of us to face is that the enemy/Satan wants us to believe we have nothing to offer God or anyone else. This perspective, or belief, is a lie. When we live out of this perspective, it causes a barrier in our relationships. Our living out of the perspective that we’re insignificant or what we have to say isn’t wanted by anyone, can lead to not sharing with the world the gifts God has given to us for his plan and purpose. I’ve personally lived in this way.

Most of my adult life has been spent making decisions based on the belief I’m not as important as everyone else. That I don’t have anything to offer others, especially the God of the Universe. My belief that I would fail, and fear if I succeeded, kept me from using my God-given gifts. Thankfully, God has been working gently and kindly to reshape my perspective and beliefs. While I’m far from the masterpiece Abba has created me to be, I’m much closer than I was five years ago. Even three years ago.

Instead of us celebrating who we truly are in Christ, the enemy wants us disengaged, lifeless and constantly mourning who we wished we were. He wants nothing more than to see us crippled by self-doubt and drowning in insecurity. We are pushed further away from God and others when we fall into the trap of believing these lies. In a very real sense, we are then locking the door to our hearts from the inside. I have experienced this many times.

Growing up with the insecurities I had led me to believe no one would want to be my friend and for sure, no one would want to marry me. Fortunately I was wrong. I have many friends and my husband and I have been married since 1990. Being an introvert and feeling this way about myself has made it very difficult to open myself up to relationships. This is another example of how our perspective can be a barrier to connection.

The fears that we have developed through our past experiences have not only given way to how we view our present (our perspective), it also plays a large role in the priorities we set in our lives today.

In Part 5, we will talk about our priorities as barriers to Becoming Deep Real Authentic Women of God.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection

Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to talk about how your perspective is influencing your life and the decisions you are making.

Becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God Part 3

[From Part 2] In looking at where my fears came from, I have learned the seeds were planted, watered, and grew from wounds in my past experiences.

To clarify, when I say ‘The Past,’ I am referring to everything up to this moment. An interesting thing I am learning about the past is, it has limits. It can only go up to this moment and cannot be changed. Though the past can be redeemed, only by God. I will share later how I’ve experienced the Lord’s redemption power personally.

* The enemy likes to use the things in our painful past to puncture holes in our redeemed future.

* Because the enemy is a liar, coward and has no imagination, he likes to remind us of past choices and mistakes. This tactic keeps old wounds open and raw, continuing to cause us pain.

* “Sometimes we disfigure ourselves by what we think about ourselves rather than by what we do to ourselves. Some people have been disfigured emotionally because of what others did to them when they were children. Sometimes our memory banks become warehouses of beliefs and feelings that cripple our progress.” ― H. Norman Wright

*Our wounds, left open can keep us shackled to fear and unforgiveness, making connections with God and others difficult.

I’ve learned that my fears stem from past experiences. There were a couple of dynamics that spoke volumes into my painful past and fed my little girl fears.

During my growing up years, my mom was in and out of mental hospitals because of the extensive abuse she suffered as a child. Her mental illness and suicide attempts aided in our household being dysfunctional and unpredictable. My mom’s wounds and fears ran deep from her own childhood.
As a child I was physically and emotionally abused by my grandfather and verbally abused by my grandmother. Their dislike for me, their granddaughter, was made known. When no one was around, my grandfather would pick up my skinny little body and shake me. He would often put me over his knees to spank me while asking, “What have you done today to deserve a spankin’?” My grandmother, on a couple of different occasions, had my sister and I set the dinner table while our dad was working outside. As we were setting the table, we realized there was one place setting missing. When my sister mentioned the lacking dishes, our grandmother stated, “Amy can eat at home.” For my growing little girl mind, these words and actions created wounds and planted seeds of fear and rejection.

I’ve found that my fears that started from childhood, have been the driving force in a lot of my decisions. They’ve paralyzed me and kept me silent when I should have spoken up for myself or others. Becoming aware of the fears and their source has been a step forward in feeling safe and less afraid. Learning that God is my strength and my shield has been a truth I hold on to.

Through years of healing, prayer, and study, I’ve learned my little girl mind subconsciously developed ways to protect myself by avoiding hard situations and trying to be perfect so as to not do anything ‘deserving of a spankin’. All the while, what was happening was unconsciously agreeing with the words spoken over me. By agreeing with the words, the lies, I made agreements with the enemy of my soul which he was all too happy to hold me to. These agreements or self protective vows were how my wounded mind and heart tried to protect me. What it actually did was keep me in a deep cycle of constant, sometimes subconscious, emotional and spiritual pain. The way out, the way to healing, began with Jesus.

NOTE: To learn about breaking free of the self protective vows, contact Thirteenth Tribe Ministries at https://www.ttmin.org/

To talk to me about coaching through goals for the future, email me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com.

In Part 4 we will talk about how our Perspective impacts our becoming deep real authentic woman of God.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection

Beautiful Me

Beautiful isn’t an adjective I would generally use to describe myself throughout my life. Even though I’ve had several people say it about me, the one person who basically called me ‘not beautiful’ left his mark on my heart at the tender age of eight.

It was in this season that multiple life circumstances shaped how I saw myself. What I believed about the little girl named Amy Elizabeth.

My mom was in a mental hospital. At this time, mental health professionals were using shock therapy as treatment for disorders of the mind. In my memory, a very dear family member took my sister and I to visit our mom. Unfortunately, when it was my turn to go in to see her she was returning to her room directly following a treatment. We were in the hallway as my mom passed through. I knew who she was. She didn’t know me. I was crushed.

According to my memory, during this time of mom’s hospitalization, my sister and I were staying with our grandparents. Besides the stress of my mom being away from home, I was very fearful of my grandparents. They made it well known of their dislike of me and how I apparently did wrong punishable things always.

Pity. No pity. Just my reality. Fear. Anxiety. Nail biting. Hiding.

What I believed about myself was vocalized at my First Communion. Mom in the hospital, grandmother to prepare me for the big day. Dad was there. A couple of mom’s friends were there. During the ceremony, those observing their First Communion were to go to their families to shake hands or something. Mom’s friends stopped the ceremony as they wanted me to pose for a photo. Embarrassment overtook me as it seemed everyone was staring at me.

At the end of the ceremony, I was standing with the other girls who took part in the ceremony. The professional photographer approached our little huddle. My heart sank when he called off all the girls’ names except mine and then directed, “All you beautiful girls, follow me.” Heard loud and clear, “Amy, you aren’t beautiful.” I wish I could say I shook it off because I knew my identity and worth in Christ. I can’t say that because I didn’t have that knowledge or understanding.

To multiply the injury, the photographer also took my school pictures every year so annually I had to face the man who told me I wasn’t beautiful. It was a constant reminder.

So, why am I rehashing these painful memories now? It’s because I am journeying through the photos of my life in an effort to allow God’s healing balm to be slathered over the wounds of my life. I’m currently hovering over this season of being seven and eight. This journey is taking me through long since forgotten memories that are resurfacing for me to process them with my God. I’m walking through forgiveness, for others, myself, and God. Accepting forgiveness and offering caring to myself where it’s needed. I can’t do this without God.

I WANT HEALING! I will walk the path God has laid out for me because he knows what I need to find and live in his healing.

#healing #selfbelief #faith #wordsmatter

There’s Manure?

Through a meditation, I was prompted to ask God, “Light of the World, shine your light on the corners of my soul and show me what’s there.” In my mind, I heard, “There’s manure.” My thoughts traveled to poop? There’s poop? Excrement? Remains of dead things already digested and passed through. WHAT?

Next thought … It’s time to shovel the pooh away. Allow it to be used as fertilizer for whatever God will grow. The beautiful garden he’s planned for, in my soul.

This is a truly interesting train of thought. At first it seems pretty bizarre, that is until I dove in deeper to the significance of manure.

“Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’ “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’” (Luke 13:6-9 NIV)

Jesus shared this parable about the gardener’s plea for the property owner to give the fig tree one more growth year to produce fruit. In return, the gardener would nurture the tree. Fertilize it. Care for it. According to commentary notes I read in my study Bible, it actually takes four to five years for fig trees to bear fruit. The property owner only wanted to give the tree three years. The gardener would have known more about the needs of the growing tree. The mention of fertilizing the tree indicates that the man who tended to the crops would do everything he could to save the tree. To give it a chance to produce the desired fruit. The vineyard owner was impatient. The gardener was gracious and patient.

I’m working out what this passage has to do with me having manure in my soul. The remains of digested dead things.

This thought train leads me to a guided prayer I took part in later, in the same day as the earlier mentioned meditation. In this visualization, I was standing in my backyard with an ax in my right hand. It was hanging down by my side. The anger bubbling up in my gut wanted to come out through the swinging of the ax into the large log of wood resting on the ground in front of me. I could sense Abba Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit standing with me encircling the log. As prompted, I asked Jesus what he wanted me to do. “Hand me the ax,” was his reply. I complied with his request. I could see the mound of wood to be split that lay in the distance.

As I stand there, Jesus surrounds me with his presence and wraps his arms around mine cupping his hands over mine. He put the ax back in my hands, only this time his hands were securely around mine. He lovingly said, “You’ve been trying to do all this on your own. I’ve given you this tool and you’re not using it. We are going to cut the wood together.”

Where do these story elements take you? Other than frustrated because I didn’t put it all together for you. I would love to read about your own thoughts. Please share them.

The Mirror was Cloudy

As I entered my room, I saw the bathroom mirror was slightly cloudy.

I’m struggling to admit and recognize where I am. I’m struggling to accept that, even though I ‘know’ Truth, those words could be said by God, or anyone else, to me. I know the ugliness inside of me. I feel like I don’t deserve God’s love and forgiveness even though I know we all fall short. I feel closed off. I feel like an imposter.

To trust … I have to let my guard down.

I want to be seen and known and at the same time, I want to hide. I want to be seen and known by Jesus. Shame over past decisions of my own and others made for me, make me want to hide.

The mirror is more cloudy.

I keep holding onto my sin as a badge, allowing the enemy to keep a grip on me. UGH!

“Open, shut them, open, shut them,” this childhood song plays in my mind as I see the pattern of my own making. I start to open up to what God is saying to me, and just that quickly, I shut down. I start to open up again and soon the vault door closes … again.

My habits have muscle memory.

I couldn’t sing ‘Run to the Father’ because I felt that I didn’t deserve to run to the Father and be comforted by him.

God is always healing. I want to accept his healing. Jesus goes out of his way to meet with me. Jesus does not condemn me. He is so kind.

The mirror is more cloudy.

I need to realize where I am. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus came so that I may have a full life.

In prayer, I see myself on a bluff with the Holy Spirit. He’s tall, strong, loving, and comforting. He gave me the name Domicile. I am a dwelling place, a home. He embraces me with his strong arms and I lean into his chest.

I see many trees with beautifully colored Autumn leaves. A canopy of beauty.

God is inviting me to come out of hiding.

The mirror is cloudy because I haven’t been seeing myself clearly.

A realization that I’m in a battle over my beauty.

A false belief my whole life that I can’t be beautiful. I’m forced to search for the reasons why I have believed this.

~ As a little girl, I was constantly called a boy no matter how I was dressed or how long my hair was. Conclusion: Boys can’t be beautiful.

~ Comparing myself to others. If they are the standard for beauty, I can’t be beautiful because I don’t look like them.

~ I’ve sinned. I’ve made wrong choices. I’ve thought ugly thoughts. Conclusion: I can’t be beautiful. I can’t look at God or others in the eye because of my ugly sin.

~ The belief that I will never measure up to _____ so I can’t be beautiful.

“Please Lord Jesus, help me to see myself as your bride.”

“My Beloved, will you be my bride?”

“Yes, I will.”

Inner Strength … Resilience

Part 3 of 3 What Can Dahlia and Japanese Knotweed Have in Common?

Inner strength. Resilience. Besides them both being plants and created by God, a Dahlia and a Japanese Knotweed have these two traits in common. Their strength comes from a strong root system that grows over time, producing resilience in the face of storms.

Jesus’ words in Luke 6 verses 46-49 speak to the importance of inner strength and resilience.

“Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like.They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”

After learning about the Dahlia plant and experiencing the Japanese Knotweed, my perspective began to shift. In God’s providence, I knew he had allowed me on this discovery journey for a purpose.

I was to see my own need to be as determined in my faith as this plant is, to survive. Instead of Japanese Knotweed being the proverbial thorn in my side, I started to see it as a strong representation of resilience.
The Dahlia plant blooms more when it’s cut and is a symbol of inner strength. The pruning that it experiences gives its root system internal strength to not only survive, but also to thrive.
Similarly, the Knotweed’s root system is strengthened every time it’s cut back, cut down, or dug up.

I want to be that determined in my faith journey.

I still don’t like Japanese Knotweed and would prefer it to disappear from my neighborhood. However, I am choosing to view it in life-giving thoughts instead of the mentally challenging ones I initially gave way to.

Resilience in my faith is what God is working in me. This only comes through difficulties and trials. Having the spiritual wind knocked out of me through life’s disappointments isn’t joyous; however, it will make me stronger in my spiritual resolve. Being cut down, like with the death of my young adult son, wasn’t what I wanted in my life; and yet…I’ve noticed on the flip side of the challenges, my faith and determination is stronger.

Maybe an important point to accept is for a strong faith, we need a strong root base or foundation, and to have that, we will need to endure struggles, challenges, and trials.

Jezreel: God Plants

Recently I had this image of a beautiful garden. There was an array of colors and types of plants and flowers. What made this garden different from any other was that God revealed to me this garden is within my heart, not in my yard. As I began to contemplate what God was trying to show me, I looked out at my backyard. I am a very visual person. Looking out at my outdoor flowerbed, I could gain a clearer image of this garden the Lord was showing me. Colorful flowers. Weeds. Grass. All these things are found in the flowerbed in my yard. My thoughts drifted deeper into what this garden image could mean. I’m all about mental pictures and examples that help me to understand concepts and also be able to share with others.

Our creator God (Elohim), is extraordinarily creative; not only when He created all things in the beginning, He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. This means He is still extraordinarily creative now. In God’s revelations to me, He shares mental pictures and illustrations to go along with them. This garden in my heart is no different. Our Creator shared with me that He plants (Jezreel) seeds of beautiful fragrant flowers and varying plants in my heart. The enemy comes along and plants weed seeds and destructive plants in my heart. However, I can’t place all the blame on the enemy because I sometimes allow these seeds to be planted or even dig the ground up and plant them myself. At times, the destructive plants have been placed there by someone else and I had no say in it. All is not lost! God is the Master Gardener. He can uproot any weed, any destructive plant. Some keys to the garden becoming free of the weeds and destructive plants is for me to invite the Master Gardener to enter my garden and give Him access to every aspect of it. I have to allow Him the freedom and unlimited access to every seed, flower, plant, weed, and blade of grass growing in my garden. Even the ones that I don’t like but have grown so used to having there, I don’t think I know how to live without them. Even the hefty destructive plants with the thick roots that grow down very deep.

God, my Master Gardener knows the plan for my garden. He has always known the plan and can see the beautiful lush garden that will be when the pruning, weeding, and yanking is complete. I need only to trust in The Creator’s plan. When I was born, my Heavenly Father had already planted the seeds of love, joy, peace, compassion, grace, mercy, forgiveness, redemption, and restoration in my heart. He has entrusted the care and growth of the seeds to first my parents and then to me. I can choose to allow the weeds and destructive plants that exist in my heart garden or I can relinquish control to the One who created my heart.

What about you? Besides the lovely things the Creator planted in your heart, what else has been planted there? What are you willing to allow the Master Gardener do in your heart garden so that it can become what He created it to be? Have you invited Him into that space? Have you given Him freedom and access to prune, weed, and yank out whatever He deems necessary? You are loved by the Creator of your heart! Because you are created in the image of God, you are worthy to be called a child of God; all you need to do is invite Him into your life and accept His forgiveness as you admit to Him that you have sinned by allowing the weeds to be planted in your heart and also planted some there yourself. He’s running toward you! Will you meet your Heavenly Father in the garden of your heart?

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