Tag Archives: forgiveness

BECOMING A DEEP REAL AUTHENTIC WOMAN OF GOD Part 7

     [From Part 6] The extremes of counting only on God (my interpretation of his leading) or the other end of the spectrum, seeking others for leading, cuts out the balance of seeking God, seeking wise counsel, and then seeking God for further direction. This plan keeps a healthy balance in our relationship with God and others. It breaks down barriers.

     Focusing on the barriers of fear, our past, our perspective, our priorities, and isolation can keep us imprisoned by them. They can seem so heavy and can lead us to feel totally defeated.  Let’s not stay here in this prison cell, let’s break free and break through to the freedom and the relationships God has created us for.  Through preparing for this material, I realized these barriers deal with how we internally process and view the things we experience. The antithesis of this requires a relationship with God.   

     To help us to remember some ways we can break through the barriers and connect with God and others, I have used the acronym D R A W.

     DIG DEEP. Ask God in prayer to help you to pull back the curtain today and every day, so you can see where the devil is lurking and working.  While we will experience fear in our lives, we don’t have to agree with the messages it sends. We don’t have to wallow in it. We don’t have to choose it. And we definitely don’t have to make friends with it. 

     In ‘Fearless-Imagine Your Life Without Fear, Max Lucado states, “Christ-followers contract malaria, bury children & battle addictions & as a result, face fears. It’s not the absence of storms that sets us apart. It’s whom we discover in the storm; an unstirred Christ.”  Whatever we water, grows.  If we water fear, it will grow. If we water our faith, it will grow.  When our faith grows, our fears are depleted of what makes them grow.

 Matthew 7:7-12 (NIV)

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!  So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

     Earlier I shared with you that I have lived most of my life fearful of many things.  That changed for me several years ago when I was away at one of my ministerial classes and the Holy Spirit stopped me dead in my tracks. I was on a walk and he told me ‘not another step … until you are ready to get out of the boat, and you are not able to return.’  The boat I had to get out of was the boat of Avoidance. Avoidance of fears and hiding from those things that scared me.  It took a few minutes to muster up the courage to take that literal step out of the boat.  It’s not always been easy to stay out of the boat, because stepping out of it meant diving into the waters of the unknown. The chaos, the monsters of the past, and the storms.  I’m so thankful for my Jesus who calms storms and who has already defeated Satan. This truth has given me the strength and courage to keep going.

     What holds us in our fears? We have history with our past.  We have lived years and years with these things we have stored up in our minds like a treasure chest full of things we value.  It’s time to RELEASE THE PAST AND THE PEOPLE IN IT.

Acts 16:26 (NIV)  “Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose.”

Galatians 5:1 (NIV) “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

     How do we release the past and the people in it?  There is not a quick ‘fix’ or an easy answer to this question, however, there are some ways we can break through and experience freedom.  

I have realized, with help from Christian counselors, that I don’t have to agree with harsh or mean words spoken to me. 

I can tell myself the truth spoken about me from Scripture.

I can make an intentional decision to forgive those who’ve hurt me in the past, whether it was intentional or accidental. 

     Forgiveness is a process.  It takes months of daily choosing to forgive an offense until it no longer stirs emotion to think about it.  

There are three types of forgiveness.  

  1.  Exoneration.  This is a complete forgiveness.  A reconciliation is possible here.  I have exonerated the guy that caused the accident that took my son’s life.
  2. Forbearance.  Forgiveness is granted but the offense is not forgotten as a safety measure.  I have forgiven family members for ways they hurt me, however I remember them so I don’t get hurt again in the same way.
  3. Release.  This is releasing the person who hurt us and over time being able to pray for them.  This doesn’t mean the offense is/was okay, it just means we are taking them off our hook and leaving judgement for God, the only just judge. I have forgiven and released my grandfather for the abusive way he treated me. I’m not accepting it was okay for him to treat me that way, I’m releasing him to be dealt with by God. 

     From ‘Fervent’ (Priscilla Shirer) “When galvanized with the living truth of God’s Word, fervent prayer is the bucket that can dip down into the reserves of God’s strength and pull up all the resolve you need for releasing other people from what they owe you.”

     Through the cross of Jesus we have the ability to release the past, recognizing it has shaped who we are today.  We can live in the present with God and give him our future.  When we give God the messes of yesterday, today and tomorrow, he can turn those messes into a message that can change the world, or at least, our corner of it.

     In Part 8 (Finally the last entry) Dig Deep, Release the Past and the People in it, and develop A NEW PERSPECTIVE. You will have to check out my next post to know what comes next.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection

Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to discuss breaking down barriers or to place an order for my book “Wilderness Journey Living journal”. It’s a guided journal for women that leads you through eight weeks of Taking Steps Toward God through a variety of journaling styles.

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The Mirror was Cloudy

 As I entered my room, I saw the bathroom mirror was slightly cloudy.

I’m struggling to admit and recognize where I am. I’m struggling to accept that, even though I ‘know’ Truth, those words could be said by God, or anyone else, to me. I know the ugliness inside of me. I feel like I don’t deserve God’s love and forgiveness even though I know we all fall short. I feel closed off. I feel like an imposter.

To trust … I have to let my guard down.

I want to be seen and known and at the same time, I want to hide. I want to be seen and known by Jesus. Shame over past decisions of my own and others made for me, make me want to hide.

The mirror is more cloudy.

I keep holding onto my sin as a badge, allowing the enemy to keep a grip on me. UGH!

“Open, shut them, open, shut them,” this childhood song plays in my mind as I see the pattern of my own making. I start to open up to what God is saying to me, and just that quickly, I shut down. I start to open up again and soon the vault door closes … again. 

My habits have muscle memory. 

I couldn’t sing ‘Run to the Father’ because I felt that I didn’t deserve to run to the Father and be comforted by him.

God is always healing. I want to accept his healing. Jesus goes out of his way to meet with me. Jesus does not condemn me. He is so kind.

The mirror is more cloudy. 

I need to realize where I am. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus came so that I may have a full life.

In prayer, I see myself on a bluff with the Holy Spirit. He’s tall, strong, loving, and comforting. He gave me the name Domicile. I am a dwelling place, a home. He embraces me with his strong arms and I lean into his chest. 

I see many trees with beautifully colored Autumn leaves. A canopy of beauty. 

God is inviting me to come out of hiding. 

The mirror is cloudy because I haven’t been seeing myself clearly. 

A realization that I’m in a battle over my beauty. 

A false belief my whole life that I can’t be beautiful. I’m forced to search for the reasons why I have believed this.

~ As a little girl, I was constantly called a boy no matter how I was dressed or how long my hair was. Conclusion: Boys can’t be beautiful.

~ Comparing myself to others. If they are the standard for beauty, I can’t be beautiful because I don’t look like them.

~ I’ve sinned. I’ve made wrong choices. I’ve thought ugly thoughts. Conclusion: I can’t be beautiful. I can’t look at God or others in the eye because of my ugly sin.

~ The belief that I will never measure up to _____ so I can’t be beautiful.

“Please Lord Jesus, help me to see myself as your bride.”

“My Beloved, will you be my bride?”

“Yes, I will.”

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A Christmas Memory

“to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isaiah 61:2b-3a NIV)

     My best Christmas memory could also be my most difficult. It was Christmas of 2014. On July 4th that year my son was taken from us when the motorcycle he was driving was hit by a young man who accidentally ran a red light.

     We struggled as we prepared for the Christmas season. Buying gifts for each other and our family seemed to be a good distraction for my husband and I. Our daughter had always wanted an electric guitar, so we bought her one. My husband had always wanted to learn how to play the bass, so I secretly bought him a bass. For our little grandson, a child’s cajon. My only request was to learn how to play the cajon. Somewhere in the process of purchasing all of these musical instruments I realized that God was showing us how He was taking the pain of our loss and making music. Jesus was giving us the beauty of music as we gave Him the ashes of our pain.

     Sometime during the holiday season, God impressed upon me a strong desire to purchase a basket filled with snacks that were some of my son’s favorites; this was to be delivered Christmas morning to the young man who had hit our son. I just knew God wanted us to do this; why, I didn’t know. I also didn’t know just how much peace I would experience through this simple act.

     Even through the pain of loss, this was a most precious Christmas. 

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God in the Courthouse

So often we; as human beings, can forget just how present God is in our everyday lives. We get caught up in the day-to-day activities and get really comfortable with our routines; even to the point that we start to get our security from our routines. It’s only when these routines get shaken up that we start to see just how much we derive our security from those day-to-day routines. Am I referring to the current Coronavirus pandemic? Maybe, but really I am thinking about an event that happened five and a half years ago. For those that know me, you will realize that I am talking about the death of my oldest child, my son Tad. His accident and death rocked my world and has taken me on a journey that has had such far reaching impact on my and my family’s life that I don’t think I could craft the words; on my own, to describe any aspect of it. However, I woke up this morning with the drive to put into writing things in my life that have impacted me in hopes that; by doing so, at least one other person’s life could be impacted. If one person can be blessed by my story, then it will be worth however long it takes to share it.

My personal journey after my Tad’s passing has been marked with so many scars. By scars, I am referring to experiences in my life that have marked me; both positively and negatively, but have not been the end of my story here on earth. God has made His presence known to me through so many avenues; whether it be friends who prayed endlessly for us, friends that provided so many meals for us, or even now hearing about churches that were praying for us then and God has brought individuals from those churches into our path that have let us know just how we were covered in prayer by so many. His presence has been made known through music, through books and through Tad’s son who at the tender age of four was speaking God’s truth to his grammy in a way that could only be God because this little boys knowledge could not have been established enough to know these things on his own.

Tad’s accident occurred while he was driving his dad’s Harley Davidson motorcycle on July 4th, 2014. The accident was caused because a young man was approaching a traffic light that was green when he looked and then turned red when he looked behind his shoulder to change lanes. Their collision caused the accident and Tad’s death. Because of great signs that God provided for us, we can know that my son was immediately ushered into Heaven where he gets to spend his days and nights surrounded by God. This eases my pain but far from removes it. The ache in my heart over this loss is like nothing I have ever experiences before. Even through the pain, God’s comfort was all around me. I couldn’t deny it. His peace that I felt in the midst of this storm was beyond my understanding. The hand of God was and is my guiding star and His love has carried me through all the waves of grief that I have experienced. Because of this being an accident involving another person that was at fault, we found ourselves dealing with an attorney and the court system. The day that we had to appear before a judge for the sentencing of the at-fault driver was one of the most awe-inspiring days of my life. As my husband, daughter and I sat waiting in the courtroom for our turn to stand before the judge, the other driver asked us; through his attorney, if he could approach us to apologize. We accepted and he approached us with a sincere apology. What was to follow is what blew me away. During our turn in front of the judge, the judge shared with the other driver how fortunate he was because this was the first time in all his years that the family of the victim did not want revenge; that he should offer an apology and hugs or something because he was very lucky. I do not say this for a pat on my back. I say this because this is the power of God in us, not something that we can muster up for ourselves. When all was finished, the other driver with his family and pastor, and my family and I walked out of the courtroom to the courthouse lobby where we spent time talking a little. We exchanged addresses and his pastor led the two families in prayer. I don’t think that I can put into words the majesty of God for you to see what happened in that courthouse lobby. The driver that caused the accident that led to the death of my son, his parents, his pastor, his attorney, my husband, my daughter, and I stood in a circle holding hands while his pastor prayed for the two families involved. WOW!!!!!!! Cannot put into words the emotion that I felt as I left the building and went to my vehicle and sobbed for MY GOD that just showed His Mighty Hand in a government building where He showed His love for His children, no matter what side of the accident they were on.

God is with us! God is for us! God will never leave us! God loves His children and He will work all things for the good of those who are called according to His will! What the enemy meant for evil, God can and will use for His Good!

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