[From Part 2] In looking at where my fears came from, I have learned the seeds were planted, watered, and grew from wounds in my past experiences.
To clarify, when I say ‘The Past,’ I am referring to everything up to this moment. An interesting thing I am learning about the past is, it has limits. It can only go up to this moment and cannot be changed. Though the past can be redeemed, only by God. I will share later how I’ve experienced the Lord’s redemption power personally.
* The enemy likes to use the things in our painful past to puncture holes in our redeemed future.
* Because the enemy is a liar, coward and has no imagination, he likes to remind us of past choices and mistakes. This tactic keeps old wounds open and raw, continuing to cause us pain.
* “Sometimes we disfigure ourselves by what we think about ourselves rather than by what we do to ourselves. Some people have been disfigured emotionally because of what others did to them when they were children. Sometimes our memory banks become warehouses of beliefs and feelings that cripple our progress.” ― H. Norman Wright
*Our wounds, left open can keep us shackled to fear and unforgiveness, making connections with God and others difficult.
I’ve learned that my fears stem from past experiences. There were a couple of dynamics that spoke volumes into my painful past and fed my little girl fears.
During my growing up years, my mom was in and out of mental hospitals because of the extensive abuse she suffered as a child. Her mental illness and suicide attempts aided in our household being dysfunctional and unpredictable. My mom’s wounds and fears ran deep from her own childhood.
As a child I was physically and emotionally abused by my grandfather and verbally abused by my grandmother. Their dislike for me, their granddaughter, was made known. When no one was around, my grandfather would pick up my skinny little body and shake me. He would often put me over his knees to spank me while asking, “What have you done today to deserve a spankin’?” My grandmother, on a couple of different occasions, had my sister and I set the dinner table while our dad was working outside. As we were setting the table, we realized there was one place setting missing. When my sister mentioned the lacking dishes, our grandmother stated, “Amy can eat at home.” For my growing little girl mind, these words and actions created wounds and planted seeds of fear and rejection.
I’ve found that my fears that started from childhood, have been the driving force in a lot of my decisions. They’ve paralyzed me and kept me silent when I should have spoken up for myself or others. Becoming aware of the fears and their source has been a step forward in feeling safe and less afraid. Learning that God is my strength and my shield has been a truth I hold on to.
Through years of healing, prayer, and study, I’ve learned my little girl mind subconsciously developed ways to protect myself by avoiding hard situations and trying to be perfect so as to not do anything ‘deserving of a spankin’. All the while, what was happening was unconsciously agreeing with the words spoken over me. By agreeing with the words, the lies, I made agreements with the enemy of my soul which he was all too happy to hold me to. These agreements or self protective vows were how my wounded mind and heart tried to protect me. What it actually did was keep me in a deep cycle of constant, sometimes subconscious, emotional and spiritual pain. The way out, the way to healing, began with Jesus.
NOTE: To learn about breaking free of the self protective vows, contact Thirteenth Tribe Ministries at https://www.ttmin.org/
To talk to me about coaching through goals for the future, email me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com.
In Part 4 we will talk about how our Perspective impacts our becoming deep real authentic woman of God.
[From Part 1] In preparation for this message, I put out a question on Facebook to see the most common barriers people experience in their relationships with God and others. While there were a variety of responses, I found many of them fit under similar headings and there were several people with similar responses. The order I am sharing with you is for the purpose of the flow of the message.
The first barrier is FEAR.
What is fear? It seems like a silly question to ask and answer. Everyone is acquainted with fear. The Wikipedia definition:
“Fear is a feeling induced by perceived danger or threat that occurs in certain types of organisms, which causes a change in metabolic and organ functions and ultimately a change in behavior, such as fleeing, hiding, or freezing from perceived traumatic events. Fear in human beings may occur in response to a specific stimulus occurring in the present, or in anticipation or expectation of a future threat perceived as a risk to body or life. The fear response arises from the perception of danger leading to confrontation with or escape from/avoiding the threat (also known as the fight-or-flight response), which in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) can be a freeze response or paralysis.”
There are so many fears connected to our relationships. Fears of disappointing God and others. Fears of the unknown. Fears of being hurt physically or emotionally. Fears of not measuring up, and the list goes on.
Second Timothy chapter 1 verse 7 tells us: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” (NLT)
** Look in a mirror.
Knowing God’s Word tells us not to fear, why do we still fear?
I believe fear is a natural way to respond to a lot of things we experience in life. In the words of Priscilla Shirer in her book ‘Fervent;’ “If I were your enemy, I’d magnify your fears, making them appear insurmountable, intimidating you with enough worries until avoiding them becomes your driving motivation. I would use anxiety to cripple you, to paralyze you, leaving you indecisive, clinging to safety and sameness, always on the defensive because of what might happen. When you hear the word faith, all I’d want you to hear is “unnecessary risk.””
The enemy magnifies our fears just like a mirror can magnify our reflection.
All through my childhood and much of my adult life I have lived paralyzed by fears. Afraid I would make unforgivable mistakes. Afraid I wouldn’t measure up. Afraid of the what if’s. And afraid of what others think and feel about me. If others were to reject me, what would I do? This is all I got, the me I am. I went for years trying to be the perfect everything. Trying to control my surroundings, only to have the realization I DO NOT have that much control. Now I can admit to not wanting all that control … it’s too much pressure. My lack of control was magnified over ten years ago when I lost my twenty-two year old son in a motorcycle accident. I was and am completely powerless to change the reality of this great loss.
In looking at where my fears came from, I have learned the seeds were planted, watered, and grew from wounds in my past experiences.
The truth is: The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle.
“We look at ourselves in the mirror multiple times a day. There’s the mirror in the bathroom that says the makeup looks good, the hair is in place, and that shirt matches the sweater. There are mirrors at the gym that tell us we’re making progress-or that we’ve got a long way to go.
But it’s not just physical mirrors that are powerful. We each have mirrors within us:
The mirror of a little boy looking up and catching his mom’s first reaction of disappointment.
The mirror of going to middle school, thinking, Wow, I really look cool in this new outfit, and then realizing three minutes later in the hallway that you not only don’t look cool but people are laughing at you.
The mirror of disapproval from a spouse.
The mirror of a boss who says, “You don’t measure up.”
The mirror of a coach or teacher who said you were dumb or lazy.
The mirror of the media that says if you don’t have a perfect body, you’re not acceptable.
These mirrors create a composite picture in our minds and tell us who we are.” Chip Ingram stops there; however, I’m adding that these mirrors also inform the way we view our worth and can foster self-doubt.
Our family of origin, teachers, coaches, and others close to us have a powerful influence on how worthwhile we see ourselves.
Their influences can lead us to see our gifts and abilities.
They can inspire us positively.
Or, their influences can be a source of feelings of insecurity, inferiority, self doubt, or superiority.
Consciously, or unconsciously, we may believe that our value comes from what we can do instead of who we are.
These feelings can lead to unhealthy habits; such as, withdrawing to avoid rejection or overachieving to prove everyone wrong.
We may try to medicate the pain with alcohol, drugs, sex, retail therapy, food, social media, or anything else that may seem to fill the void.
Or, we may give in to living with unfulfilled longings for acceptance and significance.
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle.
In Luke chapter 8 verses 42b-48, there’s a story about a woman who likely battled over ten years with self-doubt and longings for acceptance and significance. Luke writes:
“As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 43 And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. 44 She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
45 “Who touched me?” Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.”
46 But Jesus said, “Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.”
47 Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. 48 Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”
In an instant, the woman went from battling a condition that left her isolated and labeled as unclean. She was forbidden to touch anyone; or anything that belonged to another. The mirrors she looked into told her she was alone, unclean, unacceptable, unworthy. And there was nothing she could do about it. But wait. She had heard enough about this Jesus of Nazareth and believed he could heal her with just a touch of the hem of his garment. In my mind, I’m wondering about her inner dialogue as she saw Jesus and her opportunity for healing so close to her. It could have sounded like:
“They call me unclean. They reject me. My own family won’t come near me. What if Jesus rejects me as well? What if I touch him and nothing changes? What if, what if? I have to push past this. I have to push past what they say about me. I have to try. I know he can heal me. I’m going for it..now.”
In an instant she was healed and Jesus drew her out of the crowd. It was worth being called out by Jesus because she knew in an instant that she was accepted, loved, healed. The journey to that point was long and difficult. Can you relate to any of her story?
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle.
Have you ever struggled with self-doubt? You’re not alone. I’m on the journey with you.
So, how do we get from self-doubt or feeling worth-less to gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth in Christ? I believe our next step is looking past our self-doubt.
Chip Ingram shares in his book ‘Discover Your True Self,’ “Few of us realize it, but much of what we do is an effort to prove our significance, to show that we are important, valuable, competent, or accepted.
Different cultures and families come up with different ways to answer these questions, but the human race as a whole has been brainwashed to believe our significance is not found in who we are but in what we do and what others think about us. We are on a universal search to answer a universal question: Am I worth it?”
God placed within our stories a need to know that we matter, that we are valuable, and worthwhile.
When the mirrors that we have looked into tell us anything but God’s Truth of our worth, our perspective becomes distorted and can lead us into unhealthy habits. These habits can lead to struggles and addictions.
To answer the question, Am I worth it, we may look to one or more of the following:
Success in our careers, achievements, awards, promotions, positions, or through our children’s achievements.
We may look to educational titles, money or wealth, possessions, image or reputation, knowing the ‘right’ people, popularity, or ministry service to God.
Compulsion to perfectionism may come from our need for success and approval. Or, we may withdraw to avoid failure.
Several beliefs can come out of the lie that we are worth-less or insignificant.
One such belief is that of avoiding failure at all costs or believing it’s better to not try than to try and fail.
Another is that we have to work harder and longer to be a success so that we aren’t a failure.
We may believe that if people really know us, they will reject us.
Another belief is that we are a prisoner of the opinions of the important, influential people in our life. With this, we may believe that disagreeing with these people will harm our relationship irreparably, so we attempt to please everyone which creates an unhealthy lifestyle.
Did you recognize ways that you have sought to answer the question, ‘Am I worth it?’
Looking past the mirror of our self-doubt and to the words of Isaiah 43, we learn a part of what God says about how much his children are worth to him.
1 “But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. 5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. 6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’ Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth— 7 everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” 15 I am the Lord, your Holy One, Israel’s Creator, your King.”
16 This is what the Lord says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, 17 who drew out the chariots and horses, the army and reinforcements together, and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuffed out like a wick: 18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. 20 The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, 21 the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.
Let’s go back to verses 1-3a. This time we are going to personalize the passage to bring it closer to our own hearts. Read the passage aloud. When you get to Jacob, I want you to say your name. Then when you get to Israel, I want you to say ‘daughter or son.’ As we read this, envision your Abba or Daddy saying this to you personally.
1 “But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, _________, he who formed you, Daughter/Son: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
To look past our self-doubt requires us to know and accept what our Father says about us. We are his.
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle. It’s important to look past our self doubt… to look at God and his plan for you.
How do we look AT God? How can we know his plan for us? The answers to both of these questions are: read, study, meditate on his Word, and pray.
God’s Word teaches us about him. Through his Word, we learn many things about the Lord’s name and character.
He is our Creator, Provider, Redeemer, Peace, Righteousness, Rock, Refuge, Fortress, King, Abba Father, Healer, Sanctifier, Shepherd, Lord. He sees all things. He knows all things. He exists outside of time so he can be in our past, our present, and our future. He is Jehovah Shammah, our Lord who is there. And he’s so much more.
God’s Word teaches us about ourselves. And it teaches us how much we are worth to God. I will let his Word speak…
Revelation 4:11 NIV “You are worthy, our Lord and God,to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were createdand have their being.”
Psalm 139:13-16 NIV. “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
2 Chronicles 32:8 NIV “With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles.” And the people gained confidence from what Hezekiah the king of Judah said.”
Isaiah 41:10 NIV “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Psalm 34:5 NIV “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
Philippians 1:6 NIV “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:13 NIV “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Hebrews 10:35-36 NIV “35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. 36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”
Ephesians 2:10 NLT “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
I want to tell you a story about a little girl. She was the younger of two sisters. She grew up encapsulated in fears and relied on her big sister for a lot. Being only 14 months younger than her sibling, she was always attached to her sister’s side. This precious little girl was fearful because of the mirrors that spoke to her as she grew up.
One mirror told her she would never measure up.
One mirror told her that she always did something wrong so deserved punishment.
One mirror said she was worth less than her older sister.
There were so many mirrors that told lies to her. She grew to believe the lies because the mirrors kept speaking the same things to her.
This little girl grew into a young lady that made many decisions based on the lies she believed from her childhood. She was convinced that no guy would want to marry her because of how horrible she was.
Insecurity plagued her. She was terrified to talk to people, especially the male persuasion. As a teenager she discovered that drinking alcohol gave her courage to talk to people. It also helped her to loosen up so she could have fun. Unfortunately, alcohol also made it even easier for her to go too far with guys she dated. Her fears would kick in and she couldn’t find the courage to say ‘no’ to guys when they wanted to explore her body.
This led to habits she grew to regret and a relationship that just led to feeling even worse about herself.
Fast forward several years. After getting married and having a couple of kids, this young gal found herself knowing she needed to get back to church. Finally understanding what God had to do with her, she began to realize the lies she believed for so many years and where they came from. Over the course of many years God used many people and resources to help this daughter to see him more clearly and to see herself more clearly. She has come a long way on her journey. She still struggles sometimes. She doesn’t have it all together, but who does? She’s still fighting the battle because it doesn’t end this side of Heaven. However, she now knows whose and who she is and that gives her the courage to keep moving toward God and the plan he has for her life.
I am very familiar with this gal’s story because it is mine.
Deep down, I’m still that little girl that was fed lies. Only now, God has armed me with his truth to combat those lies. I am on the journey to gut-level knowledge and acceptance of my worth in Christ.
Will you join me on the journey?
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle. God told me, “Look past your self-doubt. Instead, look at me and what I have planned for you.”
The mirrors that have spoken lies to us through the years have contributed to our believing that we don’t measure up, we are somehow worth-less, and therefore doubting ourselves.
For more of the story contact Amy at: soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com
I am reminded of a line spoken in the movie The Santa Claus; “seeing isn’t believing, believing is seeing.” When we believe in God, we begin to see how and where He is working in our lives and the lives of others. This ‘seeing’ is a byproduct of belief. Hope is a byproduct of seeing ones future through the eyes of Jesus. Staying close to God brings the byproduct of comfort. When we know who and whose we are, the byproduct is obedience and submission. The difference between seeing and SEEING is experience. It’s the difference between the head and the heart; this is only a few inches but can seem like a mile when thoughts and feelings are involved.
Yes, it matters!
Our thoughts matter; our words matter; their words matter; what we think matters; what we see matters; and what we hear matters.
I have learned about the superb seeing power of lions; they don’t see like people, they see well beyond. This is interesting to me. Another detail about lions is interesting to me. The males; with their big ROAR, sound off; in the hunt for food, while the lionesses lay in wait for the prey to run away from the roar only to become dinner, compliments of the lionesses. The prey thinks they see the way to living another day, only they are blind to reality; they are about to be done permanently. Running blindly in fear, leads to them being undone. To really SEE, would require the prey to run toward the ROAR which leads to LIFE and strength.
Show Sugi Ban is a treatment for wood that leads to it being beautiful and waterproof. The thing about this treatment is that for the wood to become beautiful and waterproofed, it is burned under high heat and a big flame. Before the wood is treated, you can see the character of the wood; however, after it is burned under high heat and a big flame the strengths and beauty of the wood is even more visible.
Zechariah 13:9 (NLT)
“I will bring that group through the fire and make them pure. I will refine them like silver and purify them like gold. They will call on my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘These are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’”
What we have experienced in our lives matter to God! These things that we experience tend to be the lens by which we ‘see’ what we blindly believe to be danger; so we fear it and run in the other direction, not realizing that if we would trust God and run toward what we fear, we will become strong and truly LIVE with much greater SEEING ability. Through the experience of ‘feeling under the fire;’ those things that make us a masterpiece, become even more visible.
For so many years, I blindly thought that the best way to stay ‘safe’ was to run from those things that scared me because they had burned me in the past. It has been a very rewarding experience to SEE my past experiences in a new way. By running toward fears and trusting God, I have become stronger and those things of beauty that God has placed in my life have become more visible.
On July 10th; as my husband and I greeted so many loved ones who came to share love with our family in the midst of our grief over the loss of our son in a motorcycle accident, I stood where I was directed and hugged friend after friend and family member after family member. I was drained. I was tired. I was hurting. I was numb. I was existing on auto-pilot. Hour after hour passed by but it seemed like minutes. Then a friend blessed me in two ways. She offered me some of her strength so that I could keep going and the most amazing gift she gave me was the awareness to see something that; in my limited sight of the inches in front of me couldn’t see, she asked me a great question. “Can you SEE the LOVE in this place?” Truthfully, I couldn’t really see anything other than the person right in front of me. That is until I looked up and started to look around the room; I saw the line of people waiting to love on us and l saw the LOVE that God and these loved ones were pouring out on us! It was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen. I could not SEE; until I looked at what I was avoiding, and then experienced the LOVE that God was showering on us.
Those hard times in life can serve as the refining fire that helps us to truly SEE and experience LIFE.
Hope's Table 