Resurrection Day is coming soon. My mind is on the work Jesus did by going to the Cross. Not only that … also the work he did by taking all my sin, wounds, and yuck to the grave. And then RESURRECTION DAY! The Savior Yeshua (Hebrew) took all yuck to the grave, to Sheol (the dwelling place of the dead), and left it there. He returned with the Light of Life. Resurrection!
Upon waking this morning, I envisioned the ‘bed of death’ Jesus would have laid on while he was in the tomb for three days. In my mind it looks like a rectangle shaped, tall slab of stone. It’s top smooth to the touch and its sides rough like coarse sandpaper. Jesus was laying there. My little-girl self asked him, “How can I be reconnected to you? How can I be connected with all of who I am?” He drew me onto the bed of death with him.
My Lord wrapped his arms around all the ages of myself as he shared that all the yuck, the sin, the wounds, the mistakes, all of it had to be attached to him so he could take it to the place of the dead to stay there for eternity.
Scripture I was brought to during my devotional time:
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor. (Isaiah 61:1-3 NIV)
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10 NIV)
Back to when I was first awake and envisioning the ‘bed of death.’ Holy Spirit lead me to think about by putting all the wounds, sins, mistakes, and yuck into Jesus’ hands, he is resurrecting me with him. He is the Light of Life. To be resurrected with Jesus is to live in the newness of his life, his light.
Our Lord Jesus has already taken the ‘dead things’ to the grave because of his grace. He is and will be resurrecting life and light in and through the people of God.
From ‘bed of death’ (tomb) to ‘Light of Life’ (ALIVE). Thank you, Jesus, for giving us new life!
Applying this to my life (or yours): Write. Put sin, wounds, mistakes, regrets on the ‘bed of death’ (aka. Invite Jesus into your pain, allow him to help you process it, and then hand it over to him.). And then live fully alive in his Light.
Beautiful isn’t an adjective I would generally use to describe myself throughout my life. Even though I’ve had several people say it about me, the one person who basically called me ‘not beautiful’ left his mark on my heart at the tender age of eight.
It was in this season that multiple life circumstances shaped how I saw myself. What I believed about the little girl named Amy Elizabeth.
My mom was in a mental hospital. At this time, mental health professionals were using shock therapy as treatment for disorders of the mind. In my memory, a very dear family member took my sister and I to visit our mom. Unfortunately, when it was my turn to go in to see her she was returning to her room directly following a treatment. We were in the hallway as my mom passed through. I knew who she was. She didn’t know me. I was crushed.
According to my memory, during this time of mom’s hospitalization, my sister and I were staying with our grandparents. Besides the stress of my mom being away from home, I was very fearful of my grandparents. They made it well known of their dislike of me and how I apparently did wrong punishable things always.
Pity. No pity. Just my reality. Fear. Anxiety. Nail biting. Hiding.
What I believed about myself was vocalized at my First Communion. Mom in the hospital, grandmother to prepare me for the big day. Dad was there. A couple of mom’s friends were there. During the ceremony, those observing their First Communion were to go to their families to shake hands or something. Mom’s friends stopped the ceremony as they wanted me to pose for a photo. Embarrassment overtook me as it seemed everyone was staring at me.
At the end of the ceremony, I was standing with the other girls who took part in the ceremony. The professional photographer approached our little huddle. My heart sank when he called off all the girls’ names except mine and then directed, “All you beautiful girls, follow me.” Heard loud and clear, “Amy, you aren’t beautiful.” I wish I could say I shook it off because I knew my identity and worth in Christ. I can’t say that because I didn’t have that knowledge or understanding.
To multiply the injury, the photographer also took my school pictures every year so annually I had to face the man who told me I wasn’t beautiful. It was a constant reminder.
So, why am I rehashing these painful memories now? It’s because I am journeying through the photos of my life in an effort to allow God’s healing balm to be slathered over the wounds of my life. I’m currently hovering over this season of being seven and eight. This journey is taking me through long since forgotten memories that are resurfacing for me to process them with my God. I’m walking through forgiveness, for others, myself, and God. Accepting forgiveness and offering caring to myself where it’s needed. I can’t do this without God.
I WANT HEALING! I will walk the path God has laid out for me because he knows what I need to find and live in his healing.
Through a meditation, I was prompted to ask God, “Light of the World, shine your light on the corners of my soul and show me what’s there.” In my mind, I heard, “There’s manure.” My thoughts traveled to poop? There’s poop? Excrement? Remains of dead things already digested and passed through. WHAT?
Next thought … It’s time to shovel the pooh away. Allow it to be used as fertilizer for whatever God will grow. The beautiful garden he’s planned for, in my soul.
This is a truly interesting train of thought. At first it seems pretty bizarre, that is until I dove in deeper to the significance of manure.
“Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’ “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’” (Luke 13:6-9 NIV)
Jesus shared this parable about the gardener’s plea for the property owner to give the fig tree one more growth year to produce fruit. In return, the gardener would nurture the tree. Fertilize it. Care for it. According to commentary notes I read in my study Bible, it actually takes four to five years for fig trees to bear fruit. The property owner only wanted to give the tree three years. The gardener would have known more about the needs of the growing tree. The mention of fertilizing the tree indicates that the man who tended to the crops would do everything he could to save the tree. To give it a chance to produce the desired fruit. The vineyard owner was impatient. The gardener was gracious and patient.
I’m working out what this passage has to do with me having manure in my soul. The remains of digested dead things.
This thought train leads me to a guided prayer I took part in later, in the same day as the earlier mentioned meditation. In this visualization, I was standing in my backyard with an ax in my right hand. It was hanging down by my side. The anger bubbling up in my gut wanted to come out through the swinging of the ax into the large log of wood resting on the ground in front of me. I could sense Abba Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit standing with me encircling the log. As prompted, I asked Jesus what he wanted me to do. “Hand me the ax,” was his reply. I complied with his request. I could see the mound of wood to be split that lay in the distance.
As I stand there, Jesus surrounds me with his presence and wraps his arms around mine cupping his hands over mine. He put the ax back in my hands, only this time his hands were securely around mine. He lovingly said, “You’ve been trying to do all this on your own. I’ve given you this tool and you’re not using it. We are going to cut the wood together.”
Where do these story elements take you? Other than frustrated because I didn’t put it all together for you. I would love to read about your own thoughts. Please share them.
As I entered my room, I saw the bathroom mirror was slightly cloudy.
I’m struggling to admit and recognize where I am. I’m struggling to accept that, even though I ‘know’ Truth, those words could be said by God, or anyone else, to me. I know the ugliness inside of me. I feel like I don’t deserve God’s love and forgiveness even though I know we all fall short. I feel closed off. I feel like an imposter.
To trust … I have to let my guard down.
I want to be seen and known and at the same time, I want to hide. I want to be seen and known by Jesus. Shame over past decisions of my own and others made for me, make me want to hide.
The mirror is more cloudy.
I keep holding onto my sin as a badge, allowing the enemy to keep a grip on me. UGH!
“Open, shut them, open, shut them,” this childhood song plays in my mind as I see the pattern of my own making. I start to open up to what God is saying to me, and just that quickly, I shut down. I start to open up again and soon the vault door closes … again.
My habits have muscle memory.
I couldn’t sing ‘Run to the Father’ because I felt that I didn’t deserve to run to the Father and be comforted by him.
God is always healing. I want to accept his healing. Jesus goes out of his way to meet with me. Jesus does not condemn me. He is so kind.
The mirror is more cloudy.
I need to realize where I am. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus came so that I may have a full life.
In prayer, I see myself on a bluff with the Holy Spirit. He’s tall, strong, loving, and comforting. He gave me the name Domicile. I am a dwelling place, a home. He embraces me with his strong arms and I lean into his chest.
I see many trees with beautifully colored Autumn leaves. A canopy of beauty.
God is inviting me to come out of hiding.
The mirror is cloudy because I haven’t been seeing myself clearly.
A realization that I’m in a battle over my beauty.
A false belief my whole life that I can’t be beautiful. I’m forced to search for the reasons why I have believed this.
~ As a little girl, I was constantly called a boy no matter how I was dressed or how long my hair was. Conclusion: Boys can’t be beautiful.
~ Comparing myself to others. If they are the standard for beauty, I can’t be beautiful because I don’t look like them.
~ I’ve sinned. I’ve made wrong choices. I’ve thought ugly thoughts. Conclusion: I can’t be beautiful. I can’t look at God or others in the eye because of my ugly sin.
~ The belief that I will never measure up to _____ so I can’t be beautiful.
“Please Lord Jesus, help me to see myself as your bride.”
In the book of Numbers chapter thirty-four, Moses’ recounted the long journey he and the Israelites had through the wilderness. This passage reminds me of my own journey in the last thirty plus years and how recounting it could help me to see how far the Lord has brought me. At times, I can get down on myself by thinking ‘I should be further in my faith and healing than I am.’ The truth is … I’ve come a long way because of the Holy Spirit’s work in me.
My personal ‘Egypt’ was full of wrong choices, shame, and living out of the lies I have believed about God, myself, and others since childhood. Lies about who I am and my value. This led to regrettable choices and burdensome shame.
My two kiddos were preschoolers when I came to the end of myself and cried out for help. Since then I’ve been living in the ‘already and not yet’ wilderness. Already because Jesus has saved me. Not yet because the Holy Spirit is still transforming me into the person God created me to be. Who I will be in the eternal Promised Land (heaven).
My wilderness trek began in 1997, when I surrendered my life to Jesus. Since then, the many moves my husband and I have made, all had a purpose. Not that we knew that then. No matter the reason for the move, I experienced growth in some area of my being. I can see now that sometimes I was running from my childhood wounds. Avoidance is truly a defense mechanism. In recent years, God has directed our moves and with them been bringing me closer to healing. As with the Israelites in the wilderness, getting ‘Egypt’ out of me is a long process.
In many biblical examples, I can see parts of my own life. Currently, the story I resonate most with is the Isrealites wandering the desert. Forty years in the wilderness. Who would sign up for that? It doesn’t matter the name of the wilderness, it’s still what it is … unknown future. Unknown obstacles. Unknown dangers. The Israelites left the land of Egypt and its slavery to travel into an unknown ‘Promised Land’ to worship their God.
For the Israelites, each stop along their journey meant another area of refining that needed to be done to prepare them for the Promised Land. Laws. Festivals. Punishments. Rescue. All these things and more were a part of their journey. There were several generations of habits, traditions, and misbeliefs that God was working out of them. It took generations for God’s people to get to the mind space they were in; it would take time to replace the wrong way of living with God’s way. The lessons they learned. The Lord hearing their cries. Bringing them out of physical slavery. Then all the years following where God patiently built up Moses as a respected leader, established laws for right living as his people, and freeing them from emotional and spiritual slavery.
My own road feels very similar to the bumpy one the Israelites traveled. Someday I will reach my Promised Land and spend eternity with God. Until then … I will look for the cloud by day and the fire by night to know where my Lord is leading me. Whether it’s forty years or eighty.
My anticipation had been building for the day I set aside to spend with God. I had nothing planned. No agenda. No schedule. No priority except being completely present with God. The day finally arrived. What would the day be like, I wondered. In the past, my times alone with God had consisted of long walks, sitting out on the patio, or sitting at my desk with a pen in hand or fingers on my keyboard.
This day seemed different from the start. My times alone with God were usually when my feet were the only ones to be wandering through the house. This time, my grandson’s feet joined me. The challenge of this go-round was how. How do I spend alone time with God while also spending time with my teenage grandson. Which I had not spent much time with in recent months. So my question was posed to God. “How do I do this, Lord? I want so desperately to truly be in your presence. I want to connect with you in a fresh way. I just don’t know how to do that with someone else in the house. I want to put you first God. I also want to spend time with my grandson and show him love. I wish to show him how to carve out time for God above all else. Father, I just don’t know how to do this. Please help me.”
I started the day by being honest with my grandson about my desire to be with God and the importance of it. How I need to put God first. And how I truly wanted to be with him as well. Thankfully; as a teenager, he can entertain himself for long periods of time. I still struggled; feeling that if I were focused solely on God, I was abandoning my loved one. And when I focused on my grandson, I felt that I was being disobedient to God.
What increased my struggle was the early return home of my husband. Now there were two loved ones I felt a need to focus on and my desire to connect with God. My soul cried out in my chest. Why can’t I figure this out? Why is it so hard to spend time with God? And why can’t I just speak what I need? They will understand. I knew one problem was that I don’t want to let anyone down or be selfish in putting my desire ahead of those I love.
My day was anything but what I expected. I was able to read through a few of my studies and spend some time in prayer. In the midst of my reading, I had multiple text messages and phone calls and visits from a wonderful teenager. My focus was low, my anxiety high, and my frustration mounting. I desperately wanted a fresh connection with God. Why is this so hard? This thought became my constant companion throughout the whole day.
Later in the day, I contemplated what I was going to share for a Bible Study message I was going to give the following day. God led me to John 15:1-17 (NIV) ““I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17 This is my command: Love each other.”
Thinking over this passage and what I was going to share about it led me to a special realization. God had answered my prayer of wanting a fresh connection with him. Studying the John 15 passage brought out how in this current age, with all the distractions and responsibilities we each have, it takes extra effort to stay connected to God. Jesus is the vine and we are the branches. Our nourishment comes through abiding in our Messiah. For our souls to be fed, we have to do the work of purposefully grabbing hold of our Lord. In the midst of the busyness, the distractions, the people we are to show love, it requires a determination to focus our attention on our relationship with God.
I know that there is so much more to this passage and the message Holy Spirit is speaking to me through it; however, I think this is enough for now. Let’s not make things any more complicated than they already are. I like to take things one or two steps at a time, not leap over small buildings with a single bound. Superwoman I am not; human Amy, I am.
In the busyness of your life, purposefully take time for Abba; the one who created you. If your running on empty and feel depleted, maybe it’s because your lifeline to God has been pinched off or disconnected. Seek God and ask him for a fresh connection to him. He likes to hear from his children. May you be blessed! I am praying for you!
The fears we are addressing today are not the healthy fears that warn us of danger, like an open flame or a bear in our path. We are addressing the fears we have learned from childhood like being afraid of the dark, snakes, failing, not measuring up, etc. We want to look at those fears that hold us captive and stop us from the life God created us for.
And courage. I don’t know about you, but I grew up believing that being courageous meant that you had no fears. That’s not true though. Being courageous means that you move forward while experiencing fear. That takes courage.
I have learned that we are born with only 2 fears, the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises; all others are learned through our experiences.
In his book, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, Mark Batterson shares, “Those defining experiences can plant a seed of confidence or a seed of doubt, a seed of hope or a seed of helplessness, a seed of faith or a seed of fear.”
Fortunately, when we live in fear, we are only one decision away from living in faith. Every choice we make has the ability to change the trajectory of our lives; from fear to faith.
Today I will share with you a little of my own faith journey and how I have been able to move from a fear-filled little girl to experiencing God’s freedom in spite of a traumatic accident.
Growing up, I knew of God. I didn’t know God. He seemed distant and uninvolved in my life.
By fifth grade I was so riddled with fear that I bit my nails until they bled and had constant stomach aches. As I grew, my fears continued. I was afraid to talk to anyone outside of my few close friends and hated speaking in front of the class. It made my stomach rebel inside my body.
It’s interesting to me how I was so fearful in those situations but when it came to going into my family’s barn, I was all too eager to climb up to the large supporting beam so that I could jump down into the large mound of straw laying on the barn floor. How curious it is how we can be selective in what we are afraid of. The fun of leaping off the beam into the soft pile of straw much outweighed the fear of what might happen by doing so.
My childhood fears followed me into my college years. I was going to attend a large university. However, my fears kept me from there. Instead I settled for a junior college close to my home. It felt much less intimidating.
I was in my late twenties, with a husband and two children before I met up with God and saw what he had to do with me. As I tend to do, I dove in head first in learning about this God that wanted a relationship with me. ME! With my new-found faith, my husband bought me a bible. This very Bible. I couldn’t wait to dive into it. It is one of those women’s devotional bibles. Even though I grew up attending church, I had no idea how to read this Bible. A good friend of mine showed me how to read it. This is the same friend that invited me to her church, the one where I accepted Jesus.
Second Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”This was the first verse to capture my attention. After reading it, I was struck by it. “Wait… God didn’t give me a spirit of fear. So, where did all these fears come from?” I have since been on a journey with God towards freedom from my many fears.
Soon after my fear revelation, I began to notice that God was breaking down the walls of my fears, one by one. I frequently didn’t even notice it was happening until I realized a fear that I carried for years, was now gone.
Dying was one of my greatest fears. Since an encounter with Jesus I haven’t feared death. Not far into my faith journey, I found myself one night thinking about how scarry death is. I was lying on my left side in my bed attempting to go to sleep. I felt a warm calming presence in the room. Then I felt a hand resting on my side, over my ribs down to my hip. In that instant, I knew it was Jesus. Somehow I knew I no longer needed to fear death. And I haven’t since.
Serving in children’s ministry helped me to learn about God in a way I could understand. Teaching the kiddos, taught me. Little by little my faith was growing. My fears were being unlearned through the Father revealing himself to me through one experience after another. I was still afraid of speaking to groups of people… unless they were little people.
Before I could decipher what God was up to, I was asked to speak for a Mother Daughter event at my church. I agreed to the request. The day came for the event. I had prepared a message but not my stomach. Before the event, I thought my stomach was going to leave my body because my nerves were so bad. I retreated to a quiet restroom to pray.
Once I began to speak to the ladies, I felt relaxed. It was then that I realized God had plans for me that involved speaking in front of people.
My tiny step of faith in accepting Jesus as my Savior resulted in the Father’s plan for my life moving forward. He has given me his supernatural power to accomplish things that I never could have dreamed of as the fear-filled little girl I was prior to knowing what God had to do with me. My stomach still rebels a bit right before I speak to groups. However, it’s nothing like when I was a kid getting physically ill anytime I had to stand in front of my class or talk to a group of people.
Fear has no place. Courage takes its place when we embrace faith.
The truth is: The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle.
“We look at ourselves in the mirror multiple times a day. There’s the mirror in the bathroom that says the makeup looks good, the hair is in place, and that shirt matches the sweater. There are mirrors at the gym that tell us we’re making progress-or that we’ve got a long way to go.
But it’s not just physical mirrors that are powerful. We each have mirrors within us:
The mirror of a little boy looking up and catching his mom’s first reaction of disappointment.
The mirror of going to middle school, thinking, Wow, I really look cool in this new outfit, and then realizing three minutes later in the hallway that you not only don’t look cool but people are laughing at you.
The mirror of disapproval from a spouse.
The mirror of a boss who says, “You don’t measure up.”
The mirror of a coach or teacher who said you were dumb or lazy.
The mirror of the media that says if you don’t have a perfect body, you’re not acceptable.
These mirrors create a composite picture in our minds and tell us who we are.” Chip Ingram stops there; however, I’m adding that these mirrors also inform the way we view our worth and can foster self-doubt.
Our family of origin, teachers, coaches, and others close to us have a powerful influence on how worthwhile we see ourselves.
Their influences can lead us to see our gifts and abilities.
They can inspire us positively.
Or, their influences can be a source of feelings of insecurity, inferiority, self doubt, or superiority.
Consciously, or unconsciously, we may believe that our value comes from what we can do instead of who we are.
These feelings can lead to unhealthy habits; such as, withdrawing to avoid rejection or overachieving to prove everyone wrong.
We may try to medicate the pain with alcohol, drugs, sex, retail therapy, food, social media, or anything else that may seem to fill the void.
Or, we may give in to living with unfulfilled longings for acceptance and significance.
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle.
In Luke chapter 8 verses 42b-48, there’s a story about a woman who likely battled over ten years with self-doubt and longings for acceptance and significance. Luke writes:
“As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 43 And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. 44 She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
45 “Who touched me?” Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.”
46 But Jesus said, “Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.”
47 Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. 48 Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”
In an instant, the woman went from battling a condition that left her isolated and labeled as unclean. She was forbidden to touch anyone; or anything that belonged to another. The mirrors she looked into told her she was alone, unclean, unacceptable, unworthy. And there was nothing she could do about it. But wait. She had heard enough about this Jesus of Nazareth and believed he could heal her with just a touch of the hem of his garment. In my mind, I’m wondering about her inner dialogue as she saw Jesus and her opportunity for healing so close to her. It could have sounded like:
“They call me unclean. They reject me. My own family won’t come near me. What if Jesus rejects me as well? What if I touch him and nothing changes? What if, what if? I have to push past this. I have to push past what they say about me. I have to try. I know he can heal me. I’m going for it..now.”
In an instant she was healed and Jesus drew her out of the crowd. It was worth being called out by Jesus because she knew in an instant that she was accepted, loved, healed. The journey to that point was long and difficult. Can you relate to any of her story?
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle.
Have you ever struggled with self-doubt? You’re not alone. I’m on the journey with you.
So, how do we get from self-doubt or feeling worth-less to gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth in Christ? I believe our next step is looking past our self-doubt.
Chip Ingram shares in his book ‘Discover Your True Self,’ “Few of us realize it, but much of what we do is an effort to prove our significance, to show that we are important, valuable, competent, or accepted.
Different cultures and families come up with different ways to answer these questions, but the human race as a whole has been brainwashed to believe our significance is not found in who we are but in what we do and what others think about us. We are on a universal search to answer a universal question: Am I worth it?”
God placed within our stories a need to know that we matter, that we are valuable, and worthwhile.
When the mirrors that we have looked into tell us anything but God’s Truth of our worth, our perspective becomes distorted and can lead us into unhealthy habits. These habits can lead to struggles and addictions.
To answer the question, Am I worth it, we may look to one or more of the following:
Success in our careers, achievements, awards, promotions, positions, or through our children’s achievements.
We may look to educational titles, money or wealth, possessions, image or reputation, knowing the ‘right’ people, popularity, or ministry service to God.
Compulsion to perfectionism may come from our need for success and approval. Or, we may withdraw to avoid failure.
Several beliefs can come out of the lie that we are worth-less or insignificant.
One such belief is that of avoiding failure at all costs or believing it’s better to not try than to try and fail.
Another is that we have to work harder and longer to be a success so that we aren’t a failure.
We may believe that if people really know us, they will reject us.
Another belief is that we are a prisoner of the opinions of the important, influential people in our life. With this, we may believe that disagreeing with these people will harm our relationship irreparably, so we attempt to please everyone which creates an unhealthy lifestyle.
Did you recognize ways that you have sought to answer the question, ‘Am I worth it?’
Looking past the mirror of our self-doubt and to the words of Isaiah 43, we learn a part of what God says about how much his children are worth to him.
1 “But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. 5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. 6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’ Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth— 7 everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” 15 I am the Lord, your Holy One, Israel’s Creator, your King.”
16 This is what the Lord says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, 17 who drew out the chariots and horses, the army and reinforcements together, and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuffed out like a wick: 18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. 20 The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, 21 the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.
Let’s go back to verses 1-3a. This time we are going to personalize the passage to bring it closer to our own hearts. Read the passage aloud. When you get to Jacob, I want you to say your name. Then when you get to Israel, I want you to say ‘daughter or son.’ As we read this, envision your Abba or Daddy saying this to you personally.
1 “But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, _________, he who formed you, Daughter/Son: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
To look past our self-doubt requires us to know and accept what our Father says about us. We are his.
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle. It’s important to look past our self doubt… to look at God and his plan for you.
How do we look AT God? How can we know his plan for us? The answers to both of these questions are: read, study, meditate on his Word, and pray.
God’s Word teaches us about him. Through his Word, we learn many things about the Lord’s name and character.
He is our Creator, Provider, Redeemer, Peace, Righteousness, Rock, Refuge, Fortress, King, Abba Father, Healer, Sanctifier, Shepherd, Lord. He sees all things. He knows all things. He exists outside of time so he can be in our past, our present, and our future. He is Jehovah Shammah, our Lord who is there. And he’s so much more.
God’s Word teaches us about ourselves. And it teaches us how much we are worth to God. I will let his Word speak…
Revelation 4:11 NIV “You are worthy, our Lord and God,to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were createdand have their being.”
Psalm 139:13-16 NIV. “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
2 Chronicles 32:8 NIV “With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles.” And the people gained confidence from what Hezekiah the king of Judah said.”
Isaiah 41:10 NIV “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Psalm 34:5 NIV “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
Philippians 1:6 NIV “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:13 NIV “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Hebrews 10:35-36 NIV “35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. 36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”
Ephesians 2:10 NLT “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
I want to tell you a story about a little girl. She was the younger of two sisters. She grew up encapsulated in fears and relied on her big sister for a lot. Being only 14 months younger than her sibling, she was always attached to her sister’s side. This precious little girl was fearful because of the mirrors that spoke to her as she grew up.
One mirror told her she would never measure up.
One mirror told her that she always did something wrong so deserved punishment.
One mirror said she was worth less than her older sister.
There were so many mirrors that told lies to her. She grew to believe the lies because the mirrors kept speaking the same things to her.
This little girl grew into a young lady that made many decisions based on the lies she believed from her childhood. She was convinced that no guy would want to marry her because of how horrible she was.
Insecurity plagued her. She was terrified to talk to people, especially the male persuasion. As a teenager she discovered that drinking alcohol gave her courage to talk to people. It also helped her to loosen up so she could have fun. Unfortunately, alcohol also made it even easier for her to go too far with guys she dated. Her fears would kick in and she couldn’t find the courage to say ‘no’ to guys when they wanted to explore her body.
This led to habits she grew to regret and a relationship that just led to feeling even worse about herself.
Fast forward several years. After getting married and having a couple of kids, this young gal found herself knowing she needed to get back to church. Finally understanding what God had to do with her, she began to realize the lies she believed for so many years and where they came from. Over the course of many years God used many people and resources to help this daughter to see him more clearly and to see herself more clearly. She has come a long way on her journey. She still struggles sometimes. She doesn’t have it all together, but who does? She’s still fighting the battle because it doesn’t end this side of Heaven. However, she now knows whose and who she is and that gives her the courage to keep moving toward God and the plan he has for her life.
I am very familiar with this gal’s story because it is mine.
Deep down, I’m still that little girl that was fed lies. Only now, God has armed me with his truth to combat those lies. I am on the journey to gut-level knowledge and acceptance of my worth in Christ.
Will you join me on the journey?
The journey of gut-level knowledge and acceptance of our worth as a child of God, is a real struggle. God told me, “Look past your self-doubt. Instead, look at me and what I have planned for you.”
The mirrors that have spoken lies to us through the years have contributed to our believing that we don’t measure up, we are somehow worth-less, and therefore doubting ourselves.
For more of the story contact Amy at: soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com
It was a Monday morning. I woke up with a sense of overwhelming sadness that I couldn’t seem to shake. One of those days that I felt that I was holding back a damn of tears that could break of its own accord at any minute. Why I felt that way, I really couldn’t figure out. Even with these feelings, I plunged forward with my plans to meet a great friend of mine for brunch. I had not seen her in person in a long time and knew that our visit would change my perspective. I muddled through my normal morning routine and headed out the door to make the 35 minute drive to our agreed upon restaurant. I was truly looking forward to our conversation and time together.
Before pulling out of my driveway, I set Google Maps on my phone so the kind voice could direct me to the exact location. I knew the area of the restaurant but had never been to the establishment so I wasn’t positive of exactly where it was. I noticed I was getting close to the address when the voice on my phone told me to turn left and that I had arrived. The problem was that I didn’t see the large sign with the name on it that would reveal to me where I was to turn into the parking lot. So I did what; I think, most people would do, I pulled into the nearest parking lot on the same side of the ride as the business I was looking for; this was so that I could look at the map and have that kind voice redirect me to the correct location. Pulling into the parking lot of a recreational vehicle dealership, I sensed something not quite right with my truck but thought maybe I was being over-reactive. I found a spot to park to see where I had missed the restaurant and reprogram my Google Map so the voice could redirect me. Thinking that I was good to go, I backed out of where I stopped, put my truck into drive, and began to turn my steering wheel to enter back onto the busy road. To my dismay, I had little ability to steer my truck. I attempted to turn the wheels to the left, only to find that they only turned slightly and I was headed straight toward a curb. Fortunately, my brakes worked well and I was able to stop, back up, and move forward to a wide open parking spot on the other side of the curb that I almost hit. Once I got the truck into a spot-ish, I shut off the truck and began to make new plans. No, not really! That damn broke that held back the tears and I balled like a baby for a minute and then I semi composed myself and called my friend to let her know of my situation. She was relatively close to my location and said that she would pick me up. Great! I could get to the restaurant. Now to figure out what to do about my truck? It’s good to know that I am an internal processer and thinking fast on my feet isn’t a gift that I have been blessed with. I am thankful that my husband has been blessed with that gift of being able to think fast and is great at handling crisis situations. Knowing this, I called my hubby to let him know about my wounded truck and see how I should handle this ‘crisis.’
My husband was working but was very happy to help me out and take charge of the situation. Now it is also good to know that I’m not a big baby and I can handle things if I must. God always provides what I need, when I need it; and in this situation, He provided me with my awesome husband to call a wrecker to take my wounded truck home and my friend that came to pick me up and treated me to great brunch conversation and some needed food.
Soon after I finished my conversation with my knight in shining armor; a.k.a. my husband, my friend arrived and off we went to the restaurant. I was literally within walking distance of the place. It was only two businesses away from where I was. Well, now I know exactly where it is. 🙂
My time with my friend was exactly what I needed!
During our brunch, my husband called to let me know that a wrecker would be at my truck soon to pick it up. He asked me if I was going to ride to our house in the wrecker. My response was something like, “I don’t know the wrecker driver, I’m not riding with someone I don’t know.” A friend of ours owns the wrecker company and I know them but I didn’t even know the name of the gentleman picking up my truck so; in my mind, it was more ‘safe’ to spend the afternoon with my friend until my hubby could drive his chariot/truck to her house to get me. Another note, that would mean that he would have to drive an hour one way to pick me up after he put in a full day of work. To me; at that time, this made the most sense. I did mention that I don’t really think fast unless God helps me out. Not an excuse, just my reality. Anyway, so my husband said that he would come and get me after he got out of work. I’m thinking great, I get to spend the day with my friend instead of just an hour or so for brunch!
The wrecker driver was going to call me when he arrived at my truck so that I could give him the keys and such. We were finishing up our food and waiting for the bill when I got the call. It was after that that my friend asked me to consider riding in the wrecker back to my house. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to spend the day with me and I knew that. When she asked me to consider this, I knew that I should do just that. You see, my friend is very attune to Holy Spirit speaking to her and I know that if she suggests something, it’s probably a message she has heard from God. Considering this, I realized that I truly needed to shift my perspective. Up until she asked me to think on riding in the wrecker, I was operating out of fear and wanting to stay ‘safe.’ Her ask helped me to shift my thinking to, “Amy, you’re a pastor and this is a perfect opportunity to minister to this guy driving the wrecker.”
My friend and I left the restaurant and she drove me back to where my truck was parked. She waited for me to let her know if I was going to ride along in the wrecker or go home with her. I approached the driver and gave him the usual driver’s license, insurance, and my keys so that he could get my truck loaded up on the flatbed of his wrecker. Instantly, I was not fearful and I knew that I was riding to my house in that truck, with this young man that I didn’t know. The driver asked me if I knew where I wanted the truck parked at my house and if I would be riding with him. I found myself telling him that I would be riding with him and could tell him where to park it when we got there. As he loaded my truck, I went back to my friend and told her that I would be riding with him. She mentioned to me that I was to share with him about my son; and choking back tears, I said okay I would. I gave her a hug, she left, and I climbed into the wrecker.
SIDEBAR: For those that are unaware of the details of my son; he was killed on my husband’s/his dad’s motorcycle on July 4th, 2014. He was 22 years old and left behind a then three year old son. You can read more about my son in past blog posts at: hopestable.home.blog.
Immediately I felt comforted in the cab of the wrecker because it was very similar to the cab of my husband’s truck. I asked God to please give me the words to say to this young man…… and He did just that. This type of conversation is outside of my wheelhouse and comfort zone but I was determined to be obedient where I felt God leading. I can’t tell you every word that was said because frankly I can’t remember them; however, I can tell you that there were three in that cab that day, the driver, God, and myself. The way that I knew that God rode with us is because of me asking some very basic general questions, I found out that this young man was in seventh grade with my son. He was ‘the new kid’ because of a move from another area, and my son was one of the few kids that would talk to him in gym class. He shared with me a memory that he had of my son and it warmed my heart to hear it. I shared with this young man how my son had died in a motorcycle accident and I knew that without God I couldn’t have made it through. I felt for him as he told me that this was the second incidence where he found out someone he went to school with had died on a motorcycle some time before he had heard about it. God showed me; and I think this young man, how He truly is present and shows us this reality in little to big ways.
I really don’t think that there are words in the English language that could truly express the experience that I had that day that my truck broke down. I knew that I was in the presence of God and I wanted to bask in it all day long. Truly, after I arrived home and the wrecker drove away, I couldn’t do anything but sit on my porch and stare in awe of God for probably an hour or more.
God-incidences:
The tie rod went out on the passenger side front of my truck. It could have been a much larger and more expensive fix. If this would have broken on the road instead of in a parking lot, I could have been in an accident.
The wrecker driver that came to get my truck went to seventh grade with my son and knew him and shared something with me about my son that I didn’t know but was proud of him for.
I was able to share some of my faith with a young man. #PlantASeed #HolyBoldness.
Even though a couple other things; one of them a big deal, happened that same day, I could feel God’s Hand on my day and fear didn’t consume me!
A couple years ago I was having a conversation with my dad while we were driving around the countryside where he grew up; and subsequently where I grew up, and he shared with me how it bothered him that no one ever held family reunions anymore. I agreed with him and I still agree with him. I have noticed over the past thirty years how there’s been a slow fade away from all things family, including extended family reunions. Our culture’s focus has increasingly become all about the ‘ME’ and forgetting about the ‘WE’ of family. Some family units choose to ‘go off the grid’ and separate themselves from the hustle and bustle of busyness and that’s okay; I’m not judging or criticizing. Some family units choose to blend into the hurried lifestyle of going from this thing to the next and to the next thing; again, no judgement or criticism. Some balance themselves somewhere in between the two extremes. It seems to me that the majority of people tend to keep to themselves, even when it comes to those that share the same household. In an age where there are so many ways to connect and communicate, I have noticed that people connect less now than they did even twenty years ago. This seems to have happened overnight; however, it’s been happening for a very long time, it’s accelerated, yes but it has been happening over probably fifty years or more.
Our Creator God formed man in His image. He is a very relational God that is in oneness with His Son Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Our God is a God of unity, community, and connectedness. We were created in this image and when we veer from God’s original plan for us, all things go haywire and wonky. We were not created for isolation. We were not created for me kingdomship. We were not created to keep others at a distance. We were created from an image of oneness, connection, and community. When we stray away from these attributes, we encounter depression, division, discontentment, and probably many other ‘d’ words. I am not saying that I know all things and I have all the answers; this would be a big fat lie; I am on this journey of life with everyone else, I am just speaking my observations, thoughts, and concerns. Yes, I am concerned because I have young grand children that are growing up in this disconnection and chaos and I am praying for a world that’s drawing near to God’s original plan and not away from it. I believe that God allows us to see these things to be change agents for the future by using the gifts and abilities that He has bestowed upon us for ‘such a time as this.’ So… I seek my part in changing toward connection, community, and unity of the family and then make one step at a time in the right direction for my own family and pray that it will have a ripple effect. I also write about these things in hopes that others will see and understand and then be a change agent in their own sphere of influence.
What does this look like for me? I am glad you asked! After that drive with my dad that I shared at the beginning, my dad walked through the journey of passing from this earth to eternity. In the end hours of my dad’s life here on earth, my cousin, and I talked about this conversation that I had with my dad and we decided that if anyone was going to get ‘the family’ together for reunions, it’s up to our generation because our parents are getting up in years and a couple have passed already; like my dad. I believe that God has laid this burden on our hearts because He has a purpose in all of this for us. Now, I have never been one to organize family events or try to get family members together. Truth be told, growing up I never felt like I belonged in my family and have spent my adult life pretty separated from extended family because I felt that ‘they’ really weren’t interested in being in my life. That; my friends, is a lie! In organizing our first family reunion last year, I spent time talking with my cousin and got to know him better. Turns out that as we were growing up neither one of us truly knew the struggles of the other; we just believed that life was how it appeared from a distance. Since that first reunion, my husband and I have spent time with my cousin and his wife and are building a great friendship. Praise God! Not only that, but in organizing our second reunion this year, I am learning more about my extended family members that I never knew; including the names of their kids, and growing in other relationships as well. Praise God!
For years I believed it was better; and the way of life, to just do our own thing and not take the time to get to know my extended family. What a lie!!! I am so thankful to God for His opening my eyes to the blessings and purpose of being connected and in community with family; extended or otherwise. I am still learning much and have a ways to go before I will offer advice on the ‘how to’s’ but I am glad to be on this journey and thankful that I get to be a part of God’s working in returning the family to it’s proper place of importance.
NOTE: I am in no way advising anyone to stay in a household or with extended family members that are unsafe or highly toxic. I want people to have proper safety boundaries in their family relationships; where it is safe to do so, I pray for restoration of families. We also have a great God that has the ability to create the world and everything in it; so… I know that He has the ability to make all things new and restore all that is broken. Praise God! May He restore, rebuild, resurrect, refocus, redeem, and return the importance of Family, even if it means that our church family is that family for us.
Hope's Table 