As I sat thinking about what I just read about the book of Nehemiah, chapters four through six, something monumental occurred to me. God will allow manmade constructs to be torn down and demolished for the rebuild to be better. Lessons are learned. Scars still remain. Maybe the rebuild isn’t as fancy or blingy as the original. The fancy bling isn’t for God, it’s for human eyes and human pride.
What shall I do with this monumental occurrence?
Through the years, I’ve built walls brick by brick, slathering between each layer, the mortar that would hold it all together. I wasn’t going to let anything take down these ‘protective structures.’ But wait, did they truly protect me? Could they be brought down?
Did I even realize I had built these constructs? Nope. No, I didn’t. Not until God showed me he was tearing them down. Sometimes brick by brick, as they were built up. Sometimes … an entire section would be brought down in a heap as if a wrecking ball had come through. Tears. A puddle of tears I would find myself in.
Rebuilding.
Time to rebuild. And yet … in the rebuilding, there’s still some demo still being done.
I see in the rebuilding, the scars from the original wall are still present. There’s learning to rebuild with different materials, different tools, different builders.
Nehemiah chapter four. It occurs to me that while the people rebuilt Jerusalem, they were actively combating their enemies. They had weapons of warfare in one hand and building tools in the other. Some builders served as guards to protect the workers as they labored. They labored by day and stood guard by night.
I truly see, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, there’s warfare in the rebuilding.
And battle armor is a necessity.
Faulty protective walls come down. Newness of vision arises. Rebuilt structures exist for a purpose. For the welcoming of God. For the presence of the Father. Not for the eye candy of man. Not for the puffing up of man.
The new is a choice to usher into private quarters, the presence, power, and majesty of God. Into the scars. Into the rubble of the past. Into the strength of Jesus.
Just let go and let God. Let go and trust God. Who hasn’t heard some variation of those directives. And who hasn’t thought to themselves or even said out loud, “But what if …?” There’s nothing easy about letting go of things we’ve held tightly to. Starting a statement with ‘just’ gives the sense of this action being easy. Just walk away. Just stand up. Just close your eyes. These directives are easy, or so they seem.
In my current situation, I’m learning more and more what it truly looks like to ‘let go.’ In April of this year, my husband and I came to the mutual decision that it is time to move again. This came after many conversations and prayer. The recurring thoughts of selling our current house and what the next stage of our lives would be, led us to believe it’s that time … again. The longest he and I have lived anywhere is five years. The home we lived in at that time was a double-wide we had set on four acres we purchased from my parents. This property was next to where I grew up. So familiar. So beautiful. So much ‘home’ to me. I even declared as our double-wide halves were being driven onto the property, “I’m finally home.” At the time I had no understanding about Heaven being my true home. I knew God, however, not in an intimate way.
After living in the double-wide for five years, God revealed it was time to move on into what he had for us next. Here we are about twenty years later, in a similar position. Only this time, we aren’t as certain as to what’s next for us in the way of living arrangements. When we moved from that beautiful homey location near my parents, we knew we were buying a house about thirty minutes away from that location. At this juncture, we know few things.
We are to live simply and simply live. All but necessities are to be let go of.
God won’t let us know what’s next until we leave what’s right now.
Our home for the summer is our new camper which will be settled nicely on a seasonal lot in the town we know we are being drawn to.
Listed last, however, it was the first thing we knew for sure. Abba is drawing my husband and I back to the town I grew up in. The town our double-wide was in.
The process of moving, this time, has been very different. Each time we’ve moved until now, we would downsize and ‘let go’ of things, however, this time is so much different because of only keeping necessities. As we cleaned and prepped the house to sell, I began to ask myself and God, “What do I truly need?” There were several items I didn’t need to ask, God whispered sweetly in my ear, “Let it go.” My third time sorting through my closet, Abba gently guided me in seeing, “it’s time to let someone else enjoy that.” This was the message with several of my favorite clothing items.
Probably the most difficult part of letting go of so many things was the time I spent going through the pictures, clothes, and belongings of my loved ones who’ve passed away. Moving through the process led me into another layer of grieving. I went through almost forty-eight hours of feeling immensely heavy-hearted. I asked Abba what was going on with me because I felt so weighed down I couldn’t even bring myself to fake a smile. He said, in his most loving way, “You are grieving many things.” This made complete sense to me. Quickly I recalled all the pictures and such I had looked through. The items I threw away and gave away and the little bit I placed into a tote to store. The memories. The emotions that went along with all those things. Not to mention the reality of grieving a complete lifestyle change. I am walking through another layer and a new layer of mourning that I’ve not experienced before.
“Oh Father, thank you for helping me to see this. Now I have some idea of how to proceed. Grieving, I’m well versed in grieving. My mom passed away nearly twenty-one years ago. We are almost to the eleventh anniversary of our son’s passing. I find God’s timing to be beyond words. Our first camper payment is due July fourth, the date our son was taken from us through a motorcycle accident. Our moving date is July eleventh, the date we said our goodbyes to Tad through his funeral. No coincidence, God-incidence. My dad and in-laws have also passed. I’m no stranger to mourning. It’s hard stuff!
Next Father shared with me that he’s preparing me for my journey ahead. It’s so beautiful to me how God cares for me. He takes time to prepare me for the big things in life. The love of God, I just cannot grasp.
Letting go.
Letting go of my expectations.
Letting go of the ‘things’ I’ve found my security in, outside of God.
Letting go of the stuff I held onto because it belonged to someone special to me.
Letting go of fears.
Letting go of my need for control of the present and the future.
For more on Prepare-Journey-Debrief-Repeat. And journal along the way. Order my book Wilderness Journey Living Journal: Taking Steps Toward God by emailing me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com
[From Part 7] Dig Deep, Release the Past and the People in it, and develop A NEW PERSPECTIVE.
Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 “This is what the Lord says—
he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters,
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.”
Developing a new perspective can be easy to say and hard to do. It takes time, effort, repetition and persistence.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 (NIV) “ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.””
God declares that He knows His plans for us. He plans that we have a hope and a future. I believe the hope our Abba Father has for us; in part, breaks through and frees us when we see how the things we tell ourselves truly impact how we think about ourselves, others, and the events in our lives.
In his book ‘A Better Way to Think: Using Positive Thoughts to Change Your Life,’ H. Norman Wright talks about the effects extreme stress and worry have on our brains and how words we tell ourselves repeatedly can actually short-circuit those effects. For instance, when we are worried we can repeat over and over “Praise God” or “Purple Fish” or “I can do this;” any affirmations will work. Wright also suggests “Don’t spend so much time thinking. Begin experiencing the world without the running commentary in your mind. Don’t take your thoughts as the gospel truth. Think of them like the clouds, drifting across the sky. At times they’re there, and then they’re gone. They have no permanence. Look at each day as a new day, disconnected from the past and future, so you can experience what God has in store for you. Pay attention to your thought life. Are your thoughts drifting, or are you choosing to focus them? Remember, you’re in charge—of your thoughts and actions. Accept the way things are right now, and look for the positive in this moment, rather than assuming positive things are only possible in the future. If your thinking begins moving toward depression, interrupt your thinking process.”
We can interrupt our thinking by choosing to WORSHIP AND PRAISE GOD.
Instead of worrying … worship and praise God.
Instead of focusing on our fears … worship and praise God. Instead of living in regret of the past … worship and praise God. He is good. He is faithful. He sees us as we truly are, a daughter of the King, that makes us HIS Princess!
For times when we struggle to find the words to worship and praise God, His Word gives us what we need.
Psalm 30:4-5 (NIV) “Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning”.
John 10:27-29 (NIV) “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.”
Romans 8:38-39 (NIV) “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Psalm 37:4 (NIV) “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
The enemy works very hard to erect barriers in our lives to keep us from connecting fully with God and each other. He will try to keep us stewing in our fears that have been ingrained in us through our past experiences and lead us to seeing our lives and priorities through a distorted perspective.
Let’s break through these barriers and draw closer to God and each other.
Let’s ASK GOD FOR STRENGTH TO DIG DEEP AS WE SEEK TO RELEASE THE PAST (AND THOSE IN IT) AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR TO A NEW PERSPECTIVE. LET’S REJOICE IN WORSHIP & PRAISE TO THE LORD; FOR HE IS FAITHFUL.
#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection
Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to discuss breaking down barriers or to place an order for my book “Wilderness Journey Living journal”. It’s a guided journal for women that leads you through eight weeks of Taking Steps Toward God through a variety of journaling styles.
[From Part 6] The extremes of counting only on God (my interpretation of his leading) or the other end of the spectrum, seeking others for leading, cuts out the balance of seeking God, seeking wise counsel, and then seeking God for further direction. This plan keeps a healthy balance in our relationship with God and others. It breaks down barriers.
Focusing on the barriers of fear, our past, our perspective, our priorities, and isolation can keep us imprisoned by them. They can seem so heavy and can lead us to feel totally defeated. Let’s not stay here in this prison cell, let’s break free and break through to the freedom and the relationships God has created us for. Through preparing for this material, I realized these barriers deal with how we internally process and view the things we experience. The antithesis of this requires a relationship with God.
To help us to remember some ways we can break through the barriers and connect with God and others, I have used the acronym D R A W.
DIG DEEP. Ask God in prayer to help you to pull back the curtain today and every day, so you can see where the devil is lurking and working. While we will experience fear in our lives, we don’t have to agree with the messages it sends. We don’t have to wallow in it. We don’t have to choose it. And we definitely don’t have to make friends with it.
In ‘Fearless-Imagine Your Life Without Fear, Max Lucado states, “Christ-followers contract malaria, bury children & battle addictions & as a result, face fears. It’s not the absence of storms that sets us apart. It’s whom we discover in the storm; an unstirred Christ.” Whatever we water, grows. If we water fear, it will grow. If we water our faith, it will grow. When our faith grows, our fears are depleted of what makes them grow.
Matthew 7:7-12 (NIV)
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”
Earlier I shared with you that I have lived most of my life fearful of many things. That changed for me several years ago when I was away at one of my ministerial classes and the Holy Spirit stopped me dead in my tracks. I was on a walk and he told me ‘not another step … until you are ready to get out of the boat, and you are not able to return.’ The boat I had to get out of was the boat of Avoidance. Avoidance of fears and hiding from those things that scared me. It took a few minutes to muster up the courage to take that literal step out of the boat. It’s not always been easy to stay out of the boat, because stepping out of it meant diving into the waters of the unknown. The chaos, the monsters of the past, and the storms. I’m so thankful for my Jesus who calms storms and who has already defeated Satan. This truth has given me the strength and courage to keep going.
What holds us in our fears? We have history with our past. We have lived years and years with these things we have stored up in our minds like a treasure chest full of things we value. It’s time to RELEASE THE PAST AND THE PEOPLE IN IT.
Acts 16:26 (NIV) “Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose.”
Galatians 5:1 (NIV) “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
How do we release the past and the people in it? There is not a quick ‘fix’ or an easy answer to this question, however, there are some ways we can break through and experience freedom.
I have realized, with help from Christian counselors, that I don’t have to agree with harsh or mean words spoken to me.
I can tell myself the truth spoken about me from Scripture.
I can make an intentional decision to forgive those who’ve hurt me in the past, whether it was intentional or accidental.
Forgiveness is a process. It takes months of daily choosing to forgive an offense until it no longer stirs emotion to think about it.
There are three types of forgiveness.
Exoneration. This is a complete forgiveness. A reconciliation is possible here. I have exonerated the guy that caused the accident that took my son’s life.
Forbearance. Forgiveness is granted but the offense is not forgotten as a safety measure. I have forgiven family members for ways they hurt me, however I remember them so I don’t get hurt again in the same way.
Release. This is releasing the person who hurt us and over time being able to pray for them. This doesn’t mean the offense is/was okay, it just means we are taking them off our hook and leaving judgement for God, the only just judge. I have forgiven and released my grandfather for the abusive way he treated me. I’m not accepting it was okay for him to treat me that way, I’m releasing him to be dealt with by God.
From ‘Fervent’ (Priscilla Shirer) “When galvanized with the living truth of God’s Word, fervent prayer is the bucket that can dip down into the reserves of God’s strength and pull up all the resolve you need for releasing other people from what they owe you.”
Through the cross of Jesus we have the ability to release the past, recognizing it has shaped who we are today. We can live in the present with God and give him our future. When we give God the messes of yesterday, today and tomorrow, he can turn those messes into a message that can change the world, or at least, our corner of it.
In Part 8 (Finally the last entry) Dig Deep, Release the Past and the People in it, and develop A NEW PERSPECTIVE. You will have to check out my next post to know what comes next.
#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection
Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to discuss breaking down barriers or to place an order for my book “Wilderness Journey Living journal”. It’s a guided journal for women that leads you through eight weeks of Taking Steps Toward God through a variety of journaling styles.
[From Part 5] Whatever the reason for our distorted priorities, we can turn them around with our chosen priorities each new day and a reliance on Holy Spirit?
At the close of part 5, I shared that we would ‘put it all together’ in this post. I was misguided in my believing such a thing. This morning I felt a nudge to go down another related path.
Recently, during a discussion with a beautiful friend of mine, I came face-to-face with a reality. Thank you, friend! On my own strength I tend to hover in extremes. I will either entirely seek God and my own interpretation of where I believe he’s leading or I will immerse myself in whatever others say. Looking to humans to make my decisions. Extremes in most any context will lead to imbalance. While I wholeheartedly believe God is our first and most important counselor in any situation, I also know our relational God has put people in the lives of his children to be support, encouragement, and truth-tellers. We need others in our lives who seek the Lord and can speak godly advice into our ears.
God is very relational. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit make up the Trinity. This is our example of a perfect relationship. No barriers. No fears. Right priorities. Clear perspective.
This fifth and bonus barrier in relationships is isolation. Mankind was created by and for community. To be with others. Choosing not to include others in our lives, living in our own little bubble, leads to isolation … loneliness … a stahl in spiritual growth.
Personally, I have been wanting to pour out my heart to others. I want the ladies around me to choose to come together to build community. To build relationships. My heart is to be a listening ear and encouragement to my Sisters in Faith. I’ve been struggling to know how to break barriers and share my heart with those around me.
I want to be a support, an encouragement, a resource, a hug when needed, a voice of legacy to this current generation and to those in the future. Sometimes … sometimes … I just don’t know how to put that into audible words. Written word is where I can speak, edit, rethink and send a better message. In person, I can struggle with knowing what to say and how to say it in a way that portrays how I really feel.
How does this relate to isolation and a barrier to relations in becoming a deep real authentic woman of God? The extremes of counting only on God (my interpretation of his leading) or the other end of the spectrum, seeking others for leading, cuts out the balance of seeking God, seeking wise counsel, and then seeking God for further direction. This plan keeps a healthy balance in our relationship with God and others. It breaks down barriers.
May you find balance. May you seek your people who will lead you toward God.
If I can be one of those people for you, please reach out to me. My heart is burdened for you. May you know that there are other humans wandering around in this wilderness who truly care about you and your heart.
In Part 7, maybe … we’ll put it all together and look at ways to tear down these barriers to becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God.
#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection
Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to discuss breaking down barriers or to place an order for my new book “Wilderness Journey Living journal”. It’s a guided journal for women that leads you through eight weeks of Taking Steps Toward God through a variety of journaling styles.
BECOMING A DEEP REAL AUTHENTIC WOMAN OF GOD Part 5
[From Part 4] The fears that we have developed through our past experiences have not only given way to how we view our present (our perspective), it also plays a large role in the priorities we set in our lives today.
This leads us to our fourth and final barrier to relationships and becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God.
Priorities.
We live in a world of busyness being a priority and something to strive for. In God’s economy, he’s first, then our spouse and family. Our job and ministry come after that. He also commands that we take a Sabbath rest from all the things that tax our ability to put him first. I am not speaking just to you, I need this message as well.
This is an area where we see the enemy at work. Satan strives to keep us busy and overloaded in our lives and our schedules, pushing ourselves beyond our limits. Feeling that we just can’t say ‘no’ to whatever is asked of us. Not that I want to give the enemy any more air time than I already have, however, I believe this quote from “Fervent” speaks volumes about priorities.
“If I were your enemy, I’d make everything seem urgent, as if it’s all yours to handle. I’d bog down your calendar with so many expectations you couldn’t tell the differences between what’s important and what’s not. Going and doing, guilty for ever saying no, trying to control it all, but just being controlled by it all instead… If I could keep you busy enough, you’d be too overwhelmed to even realize how much work you’re actually saving me.”
A friend recently shared with me that busy stands for ‘Being Under Satan’s Yoke.” Now that’s eye-opening.The way we keep ourselves bizzy bizzy bizzy, gives a resemblance to the mindset of God’s people as slaves in Egypt. They just worked all day every day, with no rest, no Sabbath as commanded by God.
Deuteronomy 5:15 (NIV) “Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the Lord your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the Lord your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day.”
The Israelites were forced by the pharaoh’s men to work seven days a week, what’s forcing us to keep up a slave’s pace?
A full schedule with no rhythm of rest and margin for time with God will leave a daughter of Abba attempting to run on an empty tank, wondering where the day went as she lay her head on the pillow each night. Where do these habits and routines come from? Maybe from watching our own moms or grandmas. Maybe from caving into the cultural expectations. Maybe lies we believed from our childhood led to beliefs about what we had to do and be in order to be accepted, loved, and/or belong. Or just maybe, we run ourselves ragged because we have unreasonable expectations for ourselves. Whatever the reason for our distorted priorities, we can turn them around with our chosen priorities each new day and a reliance on Holy Spirit?
In Part 6 we’ll put it all together and look at ways to tear down these barriers to becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God.
#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to discuss new priorities you’d like to put in place in your life or to place an order for my new book “Wilderness Journey Living journal”. It’s a guided journal for women that leads you through eight weeks of Taking Steps Toward God through a variety of journaling styles.
[From Part 3] Through years of healing, prayer, and study, I’ve learned my little girl mind subconsciously developed ways to protect myself by avoiding hard situations and trying to be perfect so as to not do anything ‘deserving of a spankin’. All the while, what was happening was unconsciously agreeing with the words spoken over me. By agreeing with the words, the lies, I made agreements with the enemy of my soul which he was all too happy to hold me to. These agreements or self protective vows were how my wounded mind and heart tried to protect me. What it actually did was keep me in a deep cycle of constant, sometimes subconscious, emotional and spiritual pain. The way out, the way to healing, began with Jesus.
I feel this is a great point to stop and recap what I’ve shared so far. We are looking at four barriers to communication in Becoming Deep Real Authentic Women of God. Barriers can be spiritual and/or emotional chains that bind us and keep us from being free to be who God has created us to be.
Fears. In looking at where fears come from, seeds are planted, watered, and grow from wounds in our past experiences.
Past. Our wounds from the past/our childhood, left open can keep us shackled to fear and unforgiveness, making connections with God and others difficult. The way out, the way to healing, begins with Jesus.
Perspective.
Each of us have our own lenses or perspective we see life through. This perspective is tinted by life experiences, personality, DNA, and more. We have all learned through the feelings and beliefs about ourselves that have been stored up and treasured through our lives. This makes up our perspective about ourselves, God, and others.
A reality for each of us to face is that the enemy/Satan wants us to believe we have nothing to offer God or anyone else. This perspective, or belief, is a lie. When we live out of this perspective, it causes a barrier in our relationships. Our living out of the perspective that we’re insignificant or what we have to say isn’t wanted by anyone, can lead to not sharing with the world the gifts God has given to us for his plan and purpose. I’ve personally lived in this way.
Most of my adult life has been spent making decisions based on the belief I’m not as important as everyone else. That I don’t have anything to offer others, especially the God of the Universe. My belief that I would fail, and fear if I succeeded, kept me from using my God-given gifts. Thankfully, God has been working gently and kindly to reshape my perspective and beliefs. While I’m far from the masterpiece Abba has created me to be, I’m much closer than I was five years ago. Even three years ago.
Instead of us celebrating who we truly are in Christ, the enemy wants us disengaged, lifeless and constantly mourning who we wished we were. He wants nothing more than to see us crippled by self-doubt and drowning in insecurity. We are pushed further away from God and others when we fall into the trap of believing these lies. In a very real sense, we are then locking the door to our hearts from the inside. I have experienced this many times.
Growing up with the insecurities I had led me to believe no one would want to be my friend and for sure, no one would want to marry me. Fortunately I was wrong. I have many friends and my husband and I have been married since 1990. Being an introvert and feeling this way about myself has made it very difficult to open myself up to relationships. This is another example of how our perspective can be a barrier to connection.
The fears that we have developed through our past experiences have not only given way to how we view our present (our perspective), it also plays a large role in the priorities we set in our lives today.
In Part 5, we will talk about our priorities as barriers to Becoming Deep Real Authentic Women of God.
#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection
Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to talk about how your perspective is influencing your life and the decisions you are making.
Resurrection Day is coming soon. My mind is on the work Jesus did by going to the Cross. Not only that … also the work he did by taking all my sin, wounds, and yuck to the grave. And then RESURRECTION DAY! The Savior Yeshua (Hebrew) took all yuck to the grave, to Sheol (the dwelling place of the dead), and left it there. He returned with the Light of Life. Resurrection!
Upon waking this morning, I envisioned the ‘bed of death’ Jesus would have laid on while he was in the tomb for three days. In my mind it looks like a rectangle shaped, tall slab of stone. It’s top smooth to the touch and its sides rough like coarse sandpaper. Jesus was laying there. My little-girl self asked him, “How can I be reconnected to you? How can I be connected with all of who I am?” He drew me onto the bed of death with him.
My Lord wrapped his arms around all the ages of myself as he shared that all the yuck, the sin, the wounds, the mistakes, all of it had to be attached to him so he could take it to the place of the dead to stay there for eternity.
Scripture I was brought to during my devotional time:
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor. (Isaiah 61:1-3 NIV)
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10 NIV)
Back to when I was first awake and envisioning the ‘bed of death.’ Holy Spirit lead me to think about by putting all the wounds, sins, mistakes, and yuck into Jesus’ hands, he is resurrecting me with him. He is the Light of Life. To be resurrected with Jesus is to live in the newness of his life, his light.
Our Lord Jesus has already taken the ‘dead things’ to the grave because of his grace. He is and will be resurrecting life and light in and through the people of God.
From ‘bed of death’ (tomb) to ‘Light of Life’ (ALIVE). Thank you, Jesus, for giving us new life!
Applying this to my life (or yours): Write. Put sin, wounds, mistakes, regrets on the ‘bed of death’ (aka. Invite Jesus into your pain, allow him to help you process it, and then hand it over to him.). And then live fully alive in his Light.
Through a meditation, I was prompted to ask God, “Light of the World, shine your light on the corners of my soul and show me what’s there.” In my mind, I heard, “There’s manure.” My thoughts traveled to poop? There’s poop? Excrement? Remains of dead things already digested and passed through. WHAT?
Next thought … It’s time to shovel the pooh away. Allow it to be used as fertilizer for whatever God will grow. The beautiful garden he’s planned for, in my soul.
This is a truly interesting train of thought. At first it seems pretty bizarre, that is until I dove in deeper to the significance of manure.
“Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’ “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’” (Luke 13:6-9 NIV)
Jesus shared this parable about the gardener’s plea for the property owner to give the fig tree one more growth year to produce fruit. In return, the gardener would nurture the tree. Fertilize it. Care for it. According to commentary notes I read in my study Bible, it actually takes four to five years for fig trees to bear fruit. The property owner only wanted to give the tree three years. The gardener would have known more about the needs of the growing tree. The mention of fertilizing the tree indicates that the man who tended to the crops would do everything he could to save the tree. To give it a chance to produce the desired fruit. The vineyard owner was impatient. The gardener was gracious and patient.
I’m working out what this passage has to do with me having manure in my soul. The remains of digested dead things.
This thought train leads me to a guided prayer I took part in later, in the same day as the earlier mentioned meditation. In this visualization, I was standing in my backyard with an ax in my right hand. It was hanging down by my side. The anger bubbling up in my gut wanted to come out through the swinging of the ax into the large log of wood resting on the ground in front of me. I could sense Abba Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit standing with me encircling the log. As prompted, I asked Jesus what he wanted me to do. “Hand me the ax,” was his reply. I complied with his request. I could see the mound of wood to be split that lay in the distance.
As I stand there, Jesus surrounds me with his presence and wraps his arms around mine cupping his hands over mine. He put the ax back in my hands, only this time his hands were securely around mine. He lovingly said, “You’ve been trying to do all this on your own. I’ve given you this tool and you’re not using it. We are going to cut the wood together.”
Where do these story elements take you? Other than frustrated because I didn’t put it all together for you. I would love to read about your own thoughts. Please share them.
As I entered my room, I saw the bathroom mirror was slightly cloudy.
I’m struggling to admit and recognize where I am. I’m struggling to accept that, even though I ‘know’ Truth, those words could be said by God, or anyone else, to me. I know the ugliness inside of me. I feel like I don’t deserve God’s love and forgiveness even though I know we all fall short. I feel closed off. I feel like an imposter.
To trust … I have to let my guard down.
I want to be seen and known and at the same time, I want to hide. I want to be seen and known by Jesus. Shame over past decisions of my own and others made for me, make me want to hide.
The mirror is more cloudy.
I keep holding onto my sin as a badge, allowing the enemy to keep a grip on me. UGH!
“Open, shut them, open, shut them,” this childhood song plays in my mind as I see the pattern of my own making. I start to open up to what God is saying to me, and just that quickly, I shut down. I start to open up again and soon the vault door closes … again.
My habits have muscle memory.
I couldn’t sing ‘Run to the Father’ because I felt that I didn’t deserve to run to the Father and be comforted by him.
God is always healing. I want to accept his healing. Jesus goes out of his way to meet with me. Jesus does not condemn me. He is so kind.
The mirror is more cloudy.
I need to realize where I am. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus came so that I may have a full life.
In prayer, I see myself on a bluff with the Holy Spirit. He’s tall, strong, loving, and comforting. He gave me the name Domicile. I am a dwelling place, a home. He embraces me with his strong arms and I lean into his chest.
I see many trees with beautifully colored Autumn leaves. A canopy of beauty.
God is inviting me to come out of hiding.
The mirror is cloudy because I haven’t been seeing myself clearly.
A realization that I’m in a battle over my beauty.
A false belief my whole life that I can’t be beautiful. I’m forced to search for the reasons why I have believed this.
~ As a little girl, I was constantly called a boy no matter how I was dressed or how long my hair was. Conclusion: Boys can’t be beautiful.
~ Comparing myself to others. If they are the standard for beauty, I can’t be beautiful because I don’t look like them.
~ I’ve sinned. I’ve made wrong choices. I’ve thought ugly thoughts. Conclusion: I can’t be beautiful. I can’t look at God or others in the eye because of my ugly sin.
~ The belief that I will never measure up to _____ so I can’t be beautiful.
“Please Lord Jesus, help me to see myself as your bride.”
Hope's Table 