As I sat thinking about what I just read about the book of Nehemiah, chapters four through six, something monumental occurred to me. God will allow manmade constructs to be torn down and demolished for the rebuild to be better. Lessons are learned. Scars still remain. Maybe the rebuild isn’t as fancy or blingy as the original. The fancy bling isn’t for God, it’s for human eyes and human pride.
What shall I do with this monumental occurrence?
Through the years, I’ve built walls brick by brick, slathering between each layer, the mortar that would hold it all together. I wasn’t going to let anything take down these ‘protective structures.’ But wait, did they truly protect me? Could they be brought down?
Did I even realize I had built these constructs? Nope. No, I didn’t. Not until God showed me he was tearing them down. Sometimes brick by brick, as they were built up. Sometimes … an entire section would be brought down in a heap as if a wrecking ball had come through. Tears. A puddle of tears I would find myself in.
Rebuilding.
Time to rebuild. And yet … in the rebuilding, there’s still some demo still being done.
I see in the rebuilding, the scars from the original wall are still present. There’s learning to rebuild with different materials, different tools, different builders.
Nehemiah chapter four. It occurs to me that while the people rebuilt Jerusalem, they were actively combating their enemies. They had weapons of warfare in one hand and building tools in the other. Some builders served as guards to protect the workers as they labored. They labored by day and stood guard by night.
I truly see, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, there’s warfare in the rebuilding.
And battle armor is a necessity.
Faulty protective walls come down. Newness of vision arises. Rebuilt structures exist for a purpose. For the welcoming of God. For the presence of the Father. Not for the eye candy of man. Not for the puffing up of man.
The new is a choice to usher into private quarters, the presence, power, and majesty of God. Into the scars. Into the rubble of the past. Into the strength of Jesus.
The thoughts of living simply and simply living seemed like a great break from the busyness of my life.
No more lawn to mow.
No more maintenance of a whole house.
Smaller monthly bills.
Only keeping things that seem essential.
More time to write and think.
More time to spend with God and my husband.
All these things seemed like a glorious way to live.
At first I was all in and then my gut said, “I don’t think so.” Knowing it’s wise to pay attention to a feeling in the pit of my stomach, I shared some concerns with my husband. This led to us putting the plans to sell our house and buy a camper to live in full time, on a back burner.
Months later, the topic of selling our house seemed to repeatedly crop up in our minds and conversations. We began to seriously entertain the idea of putting our house on the market, without knowing what would be next, other than the town for which God was drawing our hearts to.
We set a date to list the house.
Began to clean up the yard.
Started selling and giving away belongings we felt the need to let go of, or allow someone else to enjoy.
Thirteen days before the house went ‘live’ on the market, we made the decision to purchase a camper. After looking at campers online and in person for a couple of years, we had finally found one with a floorplan and style for us. My husband and I actually saw it online about the same time and it stopped us both dead in our tracks. We loved it!
Without physically walking through the travel trailer, we committed to buying our next home based on what we saw by touring a similar model.
Camper parked in the yard, waiting to be our movable home, we committed to sell our house. After one week of showings and four offers, we had a buyer.
*****
My organized plans were ripped apart one after another, so was my security in those plans. By this time, God had shown me some of the things I had been placing my identity and security in. This included my well laid out plans.
Through this incredibly revealing transition, I’ve come to let go of many things.
Belongings from loved ones who’ve passed.
My shelves of books.
Furnishings that filled the house.
And the thoughts that I have control over much.
As our transition to full time camper living continued to become a reality, so have the trials. One after another. Small obstacles were doable in my own strength, so I thought, until one after another they wore me down to exhaustion. Becoming weary from the journey, the small hurdles became harder to manage by the time we reached moving weekend.
Trials in this transition:
My timeline not matching my husband’s.
Late start on moving day.
Blown tire on enclosed car trailer five minutes down the road.
The power cord for the camper too short for our campsite. Note: ninety-five percent of our food was in the camper refrigerator.
Struggles to find an extension cord or parts to make one.
Miscommunication on my part for house key exchange with the new home owner.
Running out of daylight, time, and patience in getting our belongings out of the house on time.
Leveling the camper at midnight.
Cold showers after midnight.
My nesting impulse kicked in with no way to make our camper a home for two days.
Experiencing some mild depression with the large adjustment to our new lifestyle.
After seven nights of sleeping in the camper, we discovered our bed had broken and was causing flooring damage. Also, a brake and turn signal malfunction.
The brand new generator needed for the camper didn’t work.
Followed by a night with very little sleep because of low battery lights and an alarm going off.
Struggles in getting a refund for the non-working specialty generator.
Expense and hassle of a two night stay in a hotel while our camper was over an hour away at the dealership for repairs.
Upon arrival at the dealership, we found that a trim piece over the bedroom door had fallen to the floor in transit.
The first day at the hotel, I struggled with getting wifi to work for more than five minutes.
A few days after getting camper back, I dealt with stabbing chest pains and aches with tingling going down my arm. After a six hours ER stay and then a chiropractor appointment, it was found that I had a couple of ribs out of place.
WOW! That was a lot for a two week period of time!
What I want to focus on … blessings that occurred in that same two weeks.
Beautiful walks in nature.
Great time with my church family, experiencing their love and support.
Meeting a very sweet hotel clerk who I was able to bless.
Having dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and being able to bless our favorite server.
Looking back at all the friends and others we’ve been able to bless by our letting go of belongings.
God has sent reminders along the way to reinforce truths to my heart.
When I take my eyes off of Jesus, I start to sink.
Leaning on my own understanding leads to a worn out-exhausted Amy.
Seeking God and being present with him refuels my soul.
Beyond letting go of belongings. Beyond letting go of wanting to know what’s next. Beyond letting go of a known lifestyle. Beyond. Beyond. Beyond. Walking through the process of grief while in a significant life transition, is no easy task.
At this point in my husband’s and mine major life shift, I’ve repeatedly found myself journeying through different aspects of grieving. Even though many have portrayed ‘stages of grief’ as a linear progression, I’m here to testify to a different perspective. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I’ve experienced each one, often all within a day, only to revisit different emotions and/or feelings again and again.
Transitioning from living in a house to setting up temporary living in a travel trailer and not knowing what’s to be our living situation beyond fall. This has often elicited in me thoughts and feelings of anger pointed in different directions, including towards my husband who first introduced this new lifestyle choice to me. Maybe even a little at God because it has been obvious to us that he’s drawing us out to make this change. Is it okay for me to be angry at God? I believe so. He is our Father and he can handle any of our emotions, thoughts, feelings, or words. He can handle anything we direct his way. I also know it’s wise for me to be ready to hear from him words of correction because that’s what a good good Father does.
This process started, I think, with feelings of denial on my part. A year ago when my hubby and I were close to making the decision to buy a camper, I retreated quickly and said no. No, it’s not the right time. And lately … lately I’ve been in denial of my own actions involved in this move; my part in buying a camper, and moving forward in this transition. It’s easy, and probably human nature, to place blame for things I’m not certain are God’s will for our lives.
Bargaining for me in this current adventure looks like prayer that includes surrender, bargaining (or begging), and tears. Again, God is a good good Father and has his ways of correcting his children as he answers prayers.
Depression. Throughout the past several weeks, I’ve wandered in and out of short bouts of depression. Grieving new layers from the losses of my son, my parents, my in-laws, and my grandparents. This led to extreme heaviness on my heart and distracted me from the joys of life. Letting go of items I have been gifted, this too has led to a heavy heart. There’s so many aspects of this transition that have led to a burdensome heart and therefore helped me to take my eyes off the goodness of God and what great things he has for my hubby and I for this next chapter.
Acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean I’m okay with everything that has happened or that I’m not struggling with all the things. To me, it means I can take comfort from my Holy Father. I can find solace and refuge in his presence. I can seek out trustworthy like minded friends to pray for me and remind me of all the ways God has blessed me, especially in the recent past. Acceptance is knowing and relying on our God who has it all under and within his control. It’s resting in the capable and loving embrace of a loving Father who has given so much for me.
Just let go and let God. Let go and trust God. Who hasn’t heard some variation of those directives. And who hasn’t thought to themselves or even said out loud, “But what if …?” There’s nothing easy about letting go of things we’ve held tightly to. Starting a statement with ‘just’ gives the sense of this action being easy. Just walk away. Just stand up. Just close your eyes. These directives are easy, or so they seem.
In my current situation, I’m learning more and more what it truly looks like to ‘let go.’ In April of this year, my husband and I came to the mutual decision that it is time to move again. This came after many conversations and prayer. The recurring thoughts of selling our current house and what the next stage of our lives would be, led us to believe it’s that time … again. The longest he and I have lived anywhere is five years. The home we lived in at that time was a double-wide we had set on four acres we purchased from my parents. This property was next to where I grew up. So familiar. So beautiful. So much ‘home’ to me. I even declared as our double-wide halves were being driven onto the property, “I’m finally home.” At the time I had no understanding about Heaven being my true home. I knew God, however, not in an intimate way.
After living in the double-wide for five years, God revealed it was time to move on into what he had for us next. Here we are about twenty years later, in a similar position. Only this time, we aren’t as certain as to what’s next for us in the way of living arrangements. When we moved from that beautiful homey location near my parents, we knew we were buying a house about thirty minutes away from that location. At this juncture, we know few things.
We are to live simply and simply live. All but necessities are to be let go of.
God won’t let us know what’s next until we leave what’s right now.
Our home for the summer is our new camper which will be settled nicely on a seasonal lot in the town we know we are being drawn to.
Listed last, however, it was the first thing we knew for sure. Abba is drawing my husband and I back to the town I grew up in. The town our double-wide was in.
The process of moving, this time, has been very different. Each time we’ve moved until now, we would downsize and ‘let go’ of things, however, this time is so much different because of only keeping necessities. As we cleaned and prepped the house to sell, I began to ask myself and God, “What do I truly need?” There were several items I didn’t need to ask, God whispered sweetly in my ear, “Let it go.” My third time sorting through my closet, Abba gently guided me in seeing, “it’s time to let someone else enjoy that.” This was the message with several of my favorite clothing items.
Probably the most difficult part of letting go of so many things was the time I spent going through the pictures, clothes, and belongings of my loved ones who’ve passed away. Moving through the process led me into another layer of grieving. I went through almost forty-eight hours of feeling immensely heavy-hearted. I asked Abba what was going on with me because I felt so weighed down I couldn’t even bring myself to fake a smile. He said, in his most loving way, “You are grieving many things.” This made complete sense to me. Quickly I recalled all the pictures and such I had looked through. The items I threw away and gave away and the little bit I placed into a tote to store. The memories. The emotions that went along with all those things. Not to mention the reality of grieving a complete lifestyle change. I am walking through another layer and a new layer of mourning that I’ve not experienced before.
“Oh Father, thank you for helping me to see this. Now I have some idea of how to proceed. Grieving, I’m well versed in grieving. My mom passed away nearly twenty-one years ago. We are almost to the eleventh anniversary of our son’s passing. I find God’s timing to be beyond words. Our first camper payment is due July fourth, the date our son was taken from us through a motorcycle accident. Our moving date is July eleventh, the date we said our goodbyes to Tad through his funeral. No coincidence, God-incidence. My dad and in-laws have also passed. I’m no stranger to mourning. It’s hard stuff!
Next Father shared with me that he’s preparing me for my journey ahead. It’s so beautiful to me how God cares for me. He takes time to prepare me for the big things in life. The love of God, I just cannot grasp.
Letting go.
Letting go of my expectations.
Letting go of the ‘things’ I’ve found my security in, outside of God.
Letting go of the stuff I held onto because it belonged to someone special to me.
Letting go of fears.
Letting go of my need for control of the present and the future.
For more on Prepare-Journey-Debrief-Repeat. And journal along the way. Order my book Wilderness Journey Living Journal: Taking Steps Toward God by emailing me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com
[From Part 5] Whatever the reason for our distorted priorities, we can turn them around with our chosen priorities each new day and a reliance on Holy Spirit?
At the close of part 5, I shared that we would ‘put it all together’ in this post. I was misguided in my believing such a thing. This morning I felt a nudge to go down another related path.
Recently, during a discussion with a beautiful friend of mine, I came face-to-face with a reality. Thank you, friend! On my own strength I tend to hover in extremes. I will either entirely seek God and my own interpretation of where I believe he’s leading or I will immerse myself in whatever others say. Looking to humans to make my decisions. Extremes in most any context will lead to imbalance. While I wholeheartedly believe God is our first and most important counselor in any situation, I also know our relational God has put people in the lives of his children to be support, encouragement, and truth-tellers. We need others in our lives who seek the Lord and can speak godly advice into our ears.
God is very relational. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit make up the Trinity. This is our example of a perfect relationship. No barriers. No fears. Right priorities. Clear perspective.
This fifth and bonus barrier in relationships is isolation. Mankind was created by and for community. To be with others. Choosing not to include others in our lives, living in our own little bubble, leads to isolation … loneliness … a stahl in spiritual growth.
Personally, I have been wanting to pour out my heart to others. I want the ladies around me to choose to come together to build community. To build relationships. My heart is to be a listening ear and encouragement to my Sisters in Faith. I’ve been struggling to know how to break barriers and share my heart with those around me.
I want to be a support, an encouragement, a resource, a hug when needed, a voice of legacy to this current generation and to those in the future. Sometimes … sometimes … I just don’t know how to put that into audible words. Written word is where I can speak, edit, rethink and send a better message. In person, I can struggle with knowing what to say and how to say it in a way that portrays how I really feel.
How does this relate to isolation and a barrier to relations in becoming a deep real authentic woman of God? The extremes of counting only on God (my interpretation of his leading) or the other end of the spectrum, seeking others for leading, cuts out the balance of seeking God, seeking wise counsel, and then seeking God for further direction. This plan keeps a healthy balance in our relationship with God and others. It breaks down barriers.
May you find balance. May you seek your people who will lead you toward God.
If I can be one of those people for you, please reach out to me. My heart is burdened for you. May you know that there are other humans wandering around in this wilderness who truly care about you and your heart.
In Part 7, maybe … we’ll put it all together and look at ways to tear down these barriers to becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God.
#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection
Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to discuss breaking down barriers or to place an order for my new book “Wilderness Journey Living journal”. It’s a guided journal for women that leads you through eight weeks of Taking Steps Toward God through a variety of journaling styles.
In the book of Numbers chapter thirty-four, Moses’ recounted the long journey he and the Israelites had through the wilderness. This passage reminds me of my own journey in the last thirty plus years and how recounting it could help me to see how far the Lord has brought me. At times, I can get down on myself by thinking ‘I should be further in my faith and healing than I am.’ The truth is … I’ve come a long way because of the Holy Spirit’s work in me.
My personal ‘Egypt’ was full of wrong choices, shame, and living out of the lies I have believed about God, myself, and others since childhood. Lies about who I am and my value. This led to regrettable choices and burdensome shame.
My two kiddos were preschoolers when I came to the end of myself and cried out for help. Since then I’ve been living in the ‘already and not yet’ wilderness. Already because Jesus has saved me. Not yet because the Holy Spirit is still transforming me into the person God created me to be. Who I will be in the eternal Promised Land (heaven).
My wilderness trek began in 1997, when I surrendered my life to Jesus. Since then, the many moves my husband and I have made, all had a purpose. Not that we knew that then. No matter the reason for the move, I experienced growth in some area of my being. I can see now that sometimes I was running from my childhood wounds. Avoidance is truly a defense mechanism. In recent years, God has directed our moves and with them been bringing me closer to healing. As with the Israelites in the wilderness, getting ‘Egypt’ out of me is a long process.
In many biblical examples, I can see parts of my own life. Currently, the story I resonate most with is the Isrealites wandering the desert. Forty years in the wilderness. Who would sign up for that? It doesn’t matter the name of the wilderness, it’s still what it is … unknown future. Unknown obstacles. Unknown dangers. The Israelites left the land of Egypt and its slavery to travel into an unknown ‘Promised Land’ to worship their God.
For the Israelites, each stop along their journey meant another area of refining that needed to be done to prepare them for the Promised Land. Laws. Festivals. Punishments. Rescue. All these things and more were a part of their journey. There were several generations of habits, traditions, and misbeliefs that God was working out of them. It took generations for God’s people to get to the mind space they were in; it would take time to replace the wrong way of living with God’s way. The lessons they learned. The Lord hearing their cries. Bringing them out of physical slavery. Then all the years following where God patiently built up Moses as a respected leader, established laws for right living as his people, and freeing them from emotional and spiritual slavery.
My own road feels very similar to the bumpy one the Israelites traveled. Someday I will reach my Promised Land and spend eternity with God. Until then … I will look for the cloud by day and the fire by night to know where my Lord is leading me. Whether it’s forty years or eighty.
So many instances in my life have been a reminder of that very that. Transformation. Change. Restoration. Which ever word you want to use, it’s a process. And sometimes… a very long one.
Recently, I was reminded of a life changing encounter with Jesus that I had nearly 10 years ago. It was indeed life changing and a start to a transformational process I have now come to see as, still in progress. Please allow me to explain.
I was out of town for a couple of ministerial classes. During a class session, we were instructed to go outside and spend some time with God. I chose to go for a walk along a hedge row, as other classmates were doing. To respect each others quiet time with God, we each kept to our own little area to pace.
After some time of walking and talking with God, I sensed Jesus telling me, “Not another step. Not another step until you decide that you are going to step out of your boat of ‘avoidance.'”
I squatted down and began to contemplate what Jesus was saying to me. I knew exactly what he was referring to. From childhood, whenever any situation, conversation, or television show would get uncomfortable or difficult, I would step away and hide from it. I didn’t know how to deal with hard stuff. I didn’t want to deal with the hard stuff. I wanted to just avoid the hard stuff. As a little girl I wasn’t made to deal with these things. It was okay to walk away. As an adult and one being led by God to lead others, this way of handling difficult situations is not beneficial to me or anyone else. This was what Jesus was referring to as my ‘boat of avoidance.’ And he was telling me it needed to end.
As I stayed squatted down contemplating this boat, Jesus told me, “You are not to take another step until you are ready to step out of the boat. And keep in mind that once you step out, you will not be able to get back in. That will be the end of avoidance.”
This was a HUGE step for me. This boat was a comfort for me. I could hide there. To me, I was safe in my little boat. I knew I couldn’t do this alone. I knew by stepping out of that boat, I would have to rely on Jesus more and myself less. I knew what I had to do. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. What I didn’t know was what living outside of that boat would look like. As I contemplated these things, I rocked gently back and forth working up the courage to stand and step.
I stood to my feet. Took a breath in. And took that step. Even though the world around me wasn’t changed, I was.
Soon after returning home from my classes I experienced a ‘test’ of sorts. I learned in a big way that when we step out in trusting God and away from old ineffective habits, we will be tested to grow a new muscle. It makes sense. When I was in school I would learn new things and then be tested on them to make sure I understood the teaching.
A year or two after my ‘stepping out of the boat’ experience, I returned to the same place for more classes. This time I had only a couple of days to write a message that I would have to present to the class on the last day. This was a classic difficult situation for me. I hadn’t written many messages and the ones I had, I was able to spend weeks on them; not two days.
After prayer, I was drawn to Matthew 14:22-33 (NIV). “22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
In studying this Scripture, I was taken back to my experience with Jesus where he led me to step out of my own boat. That day was etched in my memory. The Lord stood outside of the boat and invited me to trust him enough to join him. My experience; the day I could kind of relate to Peter, became the visual for my message that I shared with the class.
I am going to fast forward to a couple weeks ago. I was reading Mark 8:22-26. 22 They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. 23 He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man’s eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?”
24 He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.”
25 Once more Jesus put his hands on the man’s eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly. 26 Jesus sent him home, saying, “Don’t even go into the village.”
The blind man’s healing was not instant. Jesus; in his providence, healed the man in steps. It occurred to me that similarly, our faith journey and healing is a process. I was taken back to my stepping out of the boat experience with Jesus and realized I am still ‘in process’ of learning how to live without stepping back into that ineffective boat. No guilt. No shame. This is just a human reality. My ingrained ways of coping with life will take a process to transform.
This is a season of reassessing my boat of avoidance/my process of trusting Jesus more and myself less. These are some things I am understanding more and more.
-I know Jesus’ voice.
-When I keep my eyes on Jesus, my faith stays stronger.
-Sometimes I get distracted by the things of life, take my eyes off Jesus, and begin to sink into struggles.
-Sometimes the comments of others can distract me and I take my eyes off what I know about Jesus, leading me to start to sink.
As I navigate through all of this, I was drawn to another layer to consider. A few days ago I was transplanting a peppermint root into a new space. In so doing, I discovered a shallow root from an unknown plant/tree. I began to pull it up only to find myself pulling up a maze of different sized roots spanning about a ten foot radius. As I pulled up one, I would end up with multiple roots leading me to different parts of this area in my yard. It seemed never ending. I just wanted to get to a point where I could stop without having roots sticking up out of the ground. Finally, I came to that point, except for two roots that were too substantial for me to pull or snap off. They are hanging out waiting for my husband to tend to them. I couldn’t believe the maze of entangled roots that I had uncovered. (I’m sorry if there’s anyone reading this and freaking out because I destroyed a root system.)
As I was in the midst of pulling up these weeds, I was drawn to what I have already shared with you and how it relates to pulling up roots that grow deep and/or wide. When I stepped out of the boat of avoidance I was beginning a process with Jesus. I had to accept his drawing me out of the boat and make that first step. He then began; through his Holy Spirit, to pull up the roots that had grown deep and wide through the years. These roots need to be yanked up and destroyed because they keep me from becoming the daughter God created me to be.
Some of the names to the roots Jesus is pulling up for me: avoidance, regret, shame, fear, anger, insecurity. What about you? Are there roots he’s working out for you? Can you name them?
In our instant gratification world, we have grown used to obtaining what we want in a short time. One thing I have learned is that transformation of value takes the Lord’s Touch and the Lord’s time. And his timing is perfect.
An exercise for you in guided imagination: Imagine yourself as Peter in the boat with the other disciples on the Sea of Galilee. You all see Jesus walking toward you. How do you feel? What do you smell? What do you see? What do you say?
Jesus approaches the boat and asks you to step out onto the water with him. How do you feel? What do you do?
You step out onto the water and reach for Jesus and the winds get your attention. The winds are distractions. Can you name the distractions/winds?
Those in the boat are saying something to you. What are their reactions? What are they saying? How do you respond? What do you feel?
What happens next?
Jesus had to draw me out of the boat so that he could start to pull up the roots that don’t fit for who God created me to be.
Recently I had this image of a beautiful garden. There was an array of colors and types of plants and flowers. What made this garden different from any other was that God revealed to me this garden is within my heart, not in my yard. As I began to contemplate what God was trying to show me, I looked out at my backyard. I am a very visual person. Looking out at my outdoor flowerbed, I could gain a clearer image of this garden the Lord was showing me. Colorful flowers. Weeds. Grass. All these things are found in the flowerbed in my yard. My thoughts drifted deeper into what this garden image could mean. I’m all about mental pictures and examples that help me to understand concepts and also be able to share with others.
Our creator God (Elohim), is extraordinarily creative; not only when He created all things in the beginning, He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. This means He is still extraordinarily creative now. In God’s revelations to me, He shares mental pictures and illustrations to go along with them. This garden in my heart is no different. Our Creator shared with me that He plants (Jezreel) seeds of beautiful fragrant flowers and varying plants in my heart. The enemy comes along and plants weed seeds and destructive plants in my heart. However, I can’t place all the blame on the enemy because I sometimes allow these seeds to be planted or even dig the ground up and plant them myself. At times, the destructive plants have been placed there by someone else and I had no say in it. All is not lost! God is the Master Gardener. He can uproot any weed, any destructive plant. Some keys to the garden becoming free of the weeds and destructive plants is for me to invite the Master Gardener to enter my garden and give Him access to every aspect of it. I have to allow Him the freedom and unlimited access to every seed, flower, plant, weed, and blade of grass growing in my garden. Even the ones that I don’t like but have grown so used to having there, I don’t think I know how to live without them. Even the hefty destructive plants with the thick roots that grow down very deep.
God, my Master Gardener knows the plan for my garden. He has always known the plan and can see the beautiful lush garden that will be when the pruning, weeding, and yanking is complete. I need only to trust in The Creator’s plan. When I was born, my Heavenly Father had already planted the seeds of love, joy, peace, compassion, grace, mercy, forgiveness, redemption, and restoration in my heart. He has entrusted the care and growth of the seeds to first my parents and then to me. I can choose to allow the weeds and destructive plants that exist in my heart garden or I can relinquish control to the One who created my heart.
What about you? Besides the lovely things the Creator planted in your heart, what else has been planted there? What are you willing to allow the Master Gardener do in your heart garden so that it can become what He created it to be? Have you invited Him into that space? Have you given Him freedom and access to prune, weed, and yank out whatever He deems necessary? You are loved by the Creator of your heart! Because you are created in the image of God, you are worthy to be called a child of God; all you need to do is invite Him into your life and accept His forgiveness as you admit to Him that you have sinned by allowing the weeds to be planted in your heart and also planted some there yourself. He’s running toward you! Will you meet your Heavenly Father in the garden of your heart?
Lately, Hebrews 6:19 has been brought to my attention several times. It has been my experience when this happens, Holy Spirit is working to show or teach me something. In studying this and surrounding verses, I realized a few things. In Hebrews 6:16-20a, we read:
“People swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. (verses 19-20a) We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. “ (Hebrews 6:16-20a)
Jesus is our anchor. Hope anchors our soul. We walk by faith. These are three themes that seem to reoccur for me in this season of life. Jesus has been my hope and has kept me anchored to God the Father, even through some pretty rough storms. God’s presence has been a constant for me. I can’t always see what God is doing in and through my life; however, by faith in my anchor, I can keep walking toward God knowing He is holding onto me.
I recently attended a women’s camp for a weekend. I went looking to spend time with God and to hear from Him. In God fashion, he poured out more love on me than I could imagine.
The first portion of the weekend I felt as though something was stopping me from fully engaging with my whole heart and mind. This was no good! I asked for prayer with the team leading the camp. During this time of prayer, God revealed to me that I felt unworthy. Once we prayed through my belief of that lie, I was able to hear the Truth from Jesus. He said to me, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” WOW! My heart was instantly full! Because my name means ‘beloved,’ what I heard was I am Amy’s, and Amy is mine. Can I say WOW again!
Later in the same day; during a time of worship, the worship team leader shared a story of how another team member and she had recently written a song. Their plan was to share the song in the opening session of the weekend; however, they had forgotten about it. And then, it didn’t seem fitting to sing it in the second session. She then shared how during prayer; following the second session, Jesus had said to one of us, “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.” Hearing this led her to know that now it was fitting to share this new song with the group.
My heart skipped a beat. Tears began to flow. I knew the worship leader was talking about me. The lines of the song were me. It was my life. My struggles. I cried through most of the song. Near the end of the song, I heard her sing the words, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” I could hardly contain myself. As the lead singer and camp leader moved away from her guitar and music stand, she spoke the words I can still hear in my ears and feel in my heart. “Amy, God wrote you a song.” Tears, Yep! I am His! He is mine!
Back to Hebrews 6:19-20a. While reading these verses, Holy Spirit led me to “Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Him. This is found in John 14:6. I began to consider how these two passages were connected. This is what occurred to me:
Jesus is the Way. He is our only direct connection to God the Father. As a ship’s wheel steers the ship towards its destination, Jesus points us to the Father.
Jesus is the Truth. He is the reality of all of God’s promises. God embodies all Truth. A ship’s anchor keeps it from drifting off course. Likewise; but even more so, being anchored to Jesus keeps us connected to God; our Abba Father, through His Holy Spirit.
Jesus is the Life. Jesus has chosen to attach His eternal lifeline to us, giving us True Life. He is our life preserver!
These three nautical items; the anchor, ship’s wheel, and buoy/life preserver, serve as a reminder for me that I am eternally anchored to God. No matter what storms threaten to take me under; or lies that attempt to block me from the Truth, Jesus is my lifeline. He will always steer me in the right direction as I seek Him in faith.
Something to consider: What or who are you anchored to? If it’s not Jesus, why isn’t it Jesus?
It was a Monday morning. I woke up with a sense of overwhelming sadness that I couldn’t seem to shake. One of those days that I felt that I was holding back a damn of tears that could break of its own accord at any minute. Why I felt that way, I really couldn’t figure out. Even with these feelings, I plunged forward with my plans to meet a great friend of mine for brunch. I had not seen her in person in a long time and knew that our visit would change my perspective. I muddled through my normal morning routine and headed out the door to make the 35 minute drive to our agreed upon restaurant. I was truly looking forward to our conversation and time together.
Before pulling out of my driveway, I set Google Maps on my phone so the kind voice could direct me to the exact location. I knew the area of the restaurant but had never been to the establishment so I wasn’t positive of exactly where it was. I noticed I was getting close to the address when the voice on my phone told me to turn left and that I had arrived. The problem was that I didn’t see the large sign with the name on it that would reveal to me where I was to turn into the parking lot. So I did what; I think, most people would do, I pulled into the nearest parking lot on the same side of the ride as the business I was looking for; this was so that I could look at the map and have that kind voice redirect me to the correct location. Pulling into the parking lot of a recreational vehicle dealership, I sensed something not quite right with my truck but thought maybe I was being over-reactive. I found a spot to park to see where I had missed the restaurant and reprogram my Google Map so the voice could redirect me. Thinking that I was good to go, I backed out of where I stopped, put my truck into drive, and began to turn my steering wheel to enter back onto the busy road. To my dismay, I had little ability to steer my truck. I attempted to turn the wheels to the left, only to find that they only turned slightly and I was headed straight toward a curb. Fortunately, my brakes worked well and I was able to stop, back up, and move forward to a wide open parking spot on the other side of the curb that I almost hit. Once I got the truck into a spot-ish, I shut off the truck and began to make new plans. No, not really! That damn broke that held back the tears and I balled like a baby for a minute and then I semi composed myself and called my friend to let her know of my situation. She was relatively close to my location and said that she would pick me up. Great! I could get to the restaurant. Now to figure out what to do about my truck? It’s good to know that I am an internal processer and thinking fast on my feet isn’t a gift that I have been blessed with. I am thankful that my husband has been blessed with that gift of being able to think fast and is great at handling crisis situations. Knowing this, I called my hubby to let him know about my wounded truck and see how I should handle this ‘crisis.’
My husband was working but was very happy to help me out and take charge of the situation. Now it is also good to know that I’m not a big baby and I can handle things if I must. God always provides what I need, when I need it; and in this situation, He provided me with my awesome husband to call a wrecker to take my wounded truck home and my friend that came to pick me up and treated me to great brunch conversation and some needed food.
Soon after I finished my conversation with my knight in shining armor; a.k.a. my husband, my friend arrived and off we went to the restaurant. I was literally within walking distance of the place. It was only two businesses away from where I was. Well, now I know exactly where it is. 🙂
My time with my friend was exactly what I needed!
During our brunch, my husband called to let me know that a wrecker would be at my truck soon to pick it up. He asked me if I was going to ride to our house in the wrecker. My response was something like, “I don’t know the wrecker driver, I’m not riding with someone I don’t know.” A friend of ours owns the wrecker company and I know them but I didn’t even know the name of the gentleman picking up my truck so; in my mind, it was more ‘safe’ to spend the afternoon with my friend until my hubby could drive his chariot/truck to her house to get me. Another note, that would mean that he would have to drive an hour one way to pick me up after he put in a full day of work. To me; at that time, this made the most sense. I did mention that I don’t really think fast unless God helps me out. Not an excuse, just my reality. Anyway, so my husband said that he would come and get me after he got out of work. I’m thinking great, I get to spend the day with my friend instead of just an hour or so for brunch!
The wrecker driver was going to call me when he arrived at my truck so that I could give him the keys and such. We were finishing up our food and waiting for the bill when I got the call. It was after that that my friend asked me to consider riding in the wrecker back to my house. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to spend the day with me and I knew that. When she asked me to consider this, I knew that I should do just that. You see, my friend is very attune to Holy Spirit speaking to her and I know that if she suggests something, it’s probably a message she has heard from God. Considering this, I realized that I truly needed to shift my perspective. Up until she asked me to think on riding in the wrecker, I was operating out of fear and wanting to stay ‘safe.’ Her ask helped me to shift my thinking to, “Amy, you’re a pastor and this is a perfect opportunity to minister to this guy driving the wrecker.”
My friend and I left the restaurant and she drove me back to where my truck was parked. She waited for me to let her know if I was going to ride along in the wrecker or go home with her. I approached the driver and gave him the usual driver’s license, insurance, and my keys so that he could get my truck loaded up on the flatbed of his wrecker. Instantly, I was not fearful and I knew that I was riding to my house in that truck, with this young man that I didn’t know. The driver asked me if I knew where I wanted the truck parked at my house and if I would be riding with him. I found myself telling him that I would be riding with him and could tell him where to park it when we got there. As he loaded my truck, I went back to my friend and told her that I would be riding with him. She mentioned to me that I was to share with him about my son; and choking back tears, I said okay I would. I gave her a hug, she left, and I climbed into the wrecker.
SIDEBAR: For those that are unaware of the details of my son; he was killed on my husband’s/his dad’s motorcycle on July 4th, 2014. He was 22 years old and left behind a then three year old son. You can read more about my son in past blog posts at: hopestable.home.blog.
Immediately I felt comforted in the cab of the wrecker because it was very similar to the cab of my husband’s truck. I asked God to please give me the words to say to this young man…… and He did just that. This type of conversation is outside of my wheelhouse and comfort zone but I was determined to be obedient where I felt God leading. I can’t tell you every word that was said because frankly I can’t remember them; however, I can tell you that there were three in that cab that day, the driver, God, and myself. The way that I knew that God rode with us is because of me asking some very basic general questions, I found out that this young man was in seventh grade with my son. He was ‘the new kid’ because of a move from another area, and my son was one of the few kids that would talk to him in gym class. He shared with me a memory that he had of my son and it warmed my heart to hear it. I shared with this young man how my son had died in a motorcycle accident and I knew that without God I couldn’t have made it through. I felt for him as he told me that this was the second incidence where he found out someone he went to school with had died on a motorcycle some time before he had heard about it. God showed me; and I think this young man, how He truly is present and shows us this reality in little to big ways.
I really don’t think that there are words in the English language that could truly express the experience that I had that day that my truck broke down. I knew that I was in the presence of God and I wanted to bask in it all day long. Truly, after I arrived home and the wrecker drove away, I couldn’t do anything but sit on my porch and stare in awe of God for probably an hour or more.
God-incidences:
The tie rod went out on the passenger side front of my truck. It could have been a much larger and more expensive fix. If this would have broken on the road instead of in a parking lot, I could have been in an accident.
The wrecker driver that came to get my truck went to seventh grade with my son and knew him and shared something with me about my son that I didn’t know but was proud of him for.
I was able to share some of my faith with a young man. #PlantASeed #HolyBoldness.
Even though a couple other things; one of them a big deal, happened that same day, I could feel God’s Hand on my day and fear didn’t consume me!
Hope's Table 