Becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God Part 5

BECOMING A DEEP REAL AUTHENTIC WOMAN OF GOD Part 5

     [From Part 4] The fears that we have developed through our past experiences have not only given way to how we view our present (our perspective), it also plays a large role in the priorities we set in our lives today. 

     This leads us to our fourth and final barrier to relationships and becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God. 

Priorities.

     We live in a world of busyness being a priority and something to strive for.  In God’s economy, he’s first, then our spouse and family. Our job and ministry come after that.  He also commands that we take a Sabbath rest from all the things that tax our ability to put him first.  I am not speaking just to you, I need this message as well.  

     This is an area where we see the enemy at work.  Satan strives to keep us busy and overloaded in our lives and our schedules, pushing ourselves beyond our limits. Feeling that we just can’t say ‘no’ to whatever is asked of us.  Not that I want to give the enemy any more air time than I already have, however, I believe this quote from “Fervent” speaks volumes about priorities.  

     “If I were your enemy, I’d make everything seem urgent, as if it’s all yours to handle.  I’d bog down your calendar with so many expectations you couldn’t tell the differences between what’s important and what’s not.  Going and doing, guilty for ever saying no, trying to control it all, but just being controlled by it all instead…  If I could keep you busy enough, you’d be too overwhelmed to even realize how much work you’re actually saving me.” 

     A friend recently shared with me that busy stands for ‘Being Under Satan’s Yoke.” Now that’s eye-opening. The way we keep ourselves bizzy bizzy bizzy, gives a resemblance to the mindset of God’s people as slaves in Egypt.  They just worked all day every day, with no rest, no Sabbath as commanded by God. 

Deuteronomy 5:15  (NIV)
“Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the Lord your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the Lord your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day.”

     The Israelites were forced by the pharaoh’s men to work seven days a week, what’s forcing us to keep up a slave’s pace?

     A full schedule with no rhythm of rest and margin for time with God will leave a daughter of Abba attempting to run on an empty tank, wondering where the day went as she lay her head on the pillow each night.  Where do these habits and routines come from?  Maybe from watching our own moms or grandmas. Maybe from caving into the cultural expectations. Maybe lies we believed from our childhood led to beliefs about what we had to do and be in order to be accepted, loved, and/or belong. Or just maybe, we run ourselves ragged because we have unreasonable expectations for ourselves.  Whatever the reason for our distorted priorities, we can turn them around with our chosen priorities each new day and a reliance on Holy Spirit?

In Part 6 we’ll put it all together and look at ways to tear down these barriers to becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection
Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to discuss new priorities you’d like to put in place in your life or to place an order for my new book “Wilderness Journey Living journal”. It’s a guided journal for women that leads you through eight weeks of Taking Steps Toward God through a variety of journaling styles.

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BECOMING A DEEP REAL AUTHENTIC WOMAN OF GOD Part 4

     [From Part 3]  Through years of healing, prayer, and study, I’ve learned my little girl mind subconsciously developed ways to protect myself by avoiding hard situations and trying to be perfect so as to not do anything ‘deserving of a spankin’. All the while, what was happening was unconsciously agreeing with the words spoken over me. By agreeing with the words, the lies, I made agreements with the enemy of my soul which he was all too happy to hold me to. These agreements or self protective vows were how my wounded mind and heart tried to protect me. What it actually did was keep me in a deep cycle of constant, sometimes subconscious, emotional and spiritual pain. The way out, the way to healing, began with Jesus.

     I feel this is a great point to stop and recap what I’ve shared so far. We are looking at four barriers to communication in Becoming Deep Real Authentic Women of God. Barriers can be spiritual and/or emotional chains that bind us and keep us from being free to be who God has created us to be. 

  • Fears. In looking at where fears come from, seeds are planted, watered, and grow from wounds in our past experiences.
  • Past. Our wounds from the past/our childhood, left open can keep us shackled to fear and unforgiveness, making connections with God and others difficult. The way out, the way to healing, begins with Jesus. 
  • Perspective. 

     Each of us have our own lenses or perspective we see life through. This perspective is tinted by life experiences, personality, DNA, and more. We have all learned through the feelings and beliefs about ourselves that have been stored up and treasured through our lives. This makes up our perspective about ourselves, God, and others.

     A reality for each of us to face is that the enemy/Satan wants us to believe we have nothing to offer God or anyone else. This perspective, or belief, is a lie. When we live out of this perspective, it causes a barrier in our relationships. Our living out of the perspective that we’re insignificant or what we have to say isn’t wanted by anyone, can lead to not sharing with the world the gifts God has given to us for his plan and purpose. I’ve personally lived in this way.

     Most of my adult life has been spent making decisions based on the belief I’m not as important as everyone else. That I don’t have anything to offer others, especially the God of the Universe. My belief that I would fail, and fear if I succeeded, kept me from using my God-given gifts. Thankfully, God has been working gently and kindly to reshape my perspective and beliefs. While I’m far from the masterpiece Abba has created me to be, I’m much closer than I was five years ago. Even three years ago. 

     Instead of us celebrating who we truly are in Christ, the enemy wants us disengaged, lifeless and constantly mourning who we wished we were. He wants nothing more than to see us crippled by self-doubt and drowning in insecurity. We are pushed further away from God and others when we fall into the trap of believing these lies. In a very real sense, we are then locking the door to our hearts from the inside. I have experienced this many times. 

     Growing up with the insecurities I had led me to believe no one would want to be my friend and for sure, no one would want to marry me.  Fortunately I was wrong. I have many friends and my husband and I have been married since 1990. Being an introvert and feeling this way about myself has made it very difficult to open myself up to relationships. This is another example of how our perspective can be a barrier to connection.

     The fears that we have developed through our past experiences have not only given way to how we view our present (our perspective), it also plays a large role in the priorities we set in our lives today.  

In Part 5, we will talk about our priorities as barriers to Becoming Deep Real Authentic Women of God.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection

Contact me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com to talk about how your perspective is influencing your life and the decisions you are making.

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Becoming a Deep Real Authentic Woman of God Part 3

     [From Part 2]   In looking at where my fears came from, I have learned the seeds were planted, watered, and grew from wounds in my past experiences.

     To clarify, when I say ‘The Past,’ I am referring to everything up to this moment.  An interesting thing I am learning about the past is, it has limits.  It can only go up to this moment and cannot be changed. Though the past can be redeemed, only by God.  I will share later how I’ve experienced the Lord’s redemption power personally.

* The enemy likes to use the things in our painful past to puncture holes in our redeemed future.  

* Because the enemy is a liar, coward and has no imagination, he likes to remind us of past choices and mistakes. This tactic keeps old wounds open and raw, continuing to cause us pain.  

* “Sometimes we disfigure ourselves by what we think about ourselves rather than by what we do to ourselves. Some people have been disfigured emotionally because of what others did to them when they were children. Sometimes our memory banks become warehouses of beliefs and feelings that cripple our progress.” ― H. Norman Wright  

*Our wounds, left open can keep us shackled to fear and unforgiveness, making connections with God and others difficult. 

     I’ve learned that my fears stem from past experiences. There were a couple of dynamics that spoke volumes into my painful past and fed my little girl fears.

  1. During my growing up years, my mom was in and out of mental hospitals because of the extensive abuse she suffered as a child. Her mental illness and suicide attempts aided in our household being dysfunctional and unpredictable. My mom’s wounds and fears ran deep from her own childhood. 
  2. As a child I was physically and emotionally abused by my grandfather and verbally abused by my grandmother.  Their dislike for me, their granddaughter, was made known. When no one was around, my grandfather would pick up my skinny little body and shake me. He would often put me over his knees to spank me while asking, “What have you done today to deserve a spankin’?” My grandmother, on a couple of different occasions, had my sister and I set the dinner table while our dad was working outside. As we were setting the table, we realized there was one place setting missing. When my sister mentioned the lacking dishes, our grandmother stated, “Amy can eat at home.” For my growing little girl mind, these words and actions created wounds and planted seeds of fear and rejection. 

     I’ve found that my fears that started from childhood, have been the driving force in a lot of my decisions. They’ve paralyzed me and kept me silent when I should have spoken up for myself or others. Becoming aware of the fears and their source has been a step forward in feeling safe and less afraid. Learning that God is my strength and my shield has been a truth I hold on to.

      Through years of healing, prayer, and study, I’ve learned my little girl mind subconsciously developed ways to protect myself by avoiding hard situations and trying to be perfect so as to not do anything ‘deserving of a spankin’. All the while, what was happening was unconsciously agreeing with the words spoken over me. By agreeing with the words, the lies, I made agreements with the enemy of my soul which he was all too happy to hold me to. These agreements or self protective vows were how my wounded mind and heart tried to protect me. What it actually did was keep me in a deep cycle of constant, sometimes subconscious, emotional and spiritual pain. The way out, the way to healing, began with Jesus. 

NOTE: To learn about breaking free of the self protective vows, contact Thirteenth Tribe Ministries at https://www.ttmin.org/

To talk to me about coaching through goals for the future, email me at soulcarecoach.amy@gmail.com.

In Part 4 we will talk about how our Perspective impacts our becoming deep real authentic woman of God.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection

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BECOMING A DEEP REAL AUTHENTIC WOMAN OF GOD Part 2

  [From Part 1] In preparation for this message, I put out a question on Facebook to see the most common barriers people experience in their relationships with God and others.  While there were a variety of responses, I found many of them fit under similar headings and there were several people with similar responses.  The order I am sharing with you is for the purpose of the flow of the message.

     The first barrier is FEAR.

     What is fear? It seems like a silly question to ask and answer. Everyone is acquainted with fear. The Wikipedia definition: 

     “Fear is a feeling induced by perceived danger or threat that occurs in certain types of organisms, which causes a change in metabolic and organ functions and ultimately a change in behavior, such as fleeing, hiding, or freezing from perceived traumatic events. Fear in human beings may occur in response to a specific stimulus occurring in the present, or in anticipation or expectation of a future threat perceived as a risk to body or life. The fear response arises from the perception of danger leading to confrontation with or escape from/avoiding the threat (also known as the fight-or-flight response), which in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) can be a freeze response or paralysis.”

     There are so many fears connected to our relationships. Fears of disappointing God and others. Fears of the unknown. Fears of being hurt physically or emotionally. Fears of not measuring up, and the list goes on.

     Second Timothy chapter 1 verse 7 tells us:  “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” (NLT) 

** Look in a mirror.

     Knowing God’s Word tells us not to fear, why do we still fear? 

     I believe fear is a natural way to respond to a lot of things we experience in life.  In the words of Priscilla Shirer in her book ‘Fervent;’  “If I were your enemy, I’d magnify your fears, making them appear insurmountable, intimidating you with enough worries until avoiding them becomes your driving motivation.  I would use anxiety to cripple you, to paralyze you, leaving you indecisive, clinging to safety and sameness, always on the defensive because of what might happen.  When you hear the word faith, all I’d want you to hear is “unnecessary risk.”” 

     The enemy magnifies our fears just like a mirror can magnify our reflection. 

     All through my childhood and much of my adult life I have lived paralyzed by fears. Afraid I would make unforgivable mistakes. Afraid I wouldn’t measure up. Afraid of the what if’s. And afraid of what others think and feel about me.  If others were to reject me, what would I do? This is all I got, the me I am.  I went for years trying to be the perfect everything. Trying to control my surroundings, only to have the realization I DO NOT have that much control.  Now I can admit to not wanting all that control … it’s too much pressure.  My lack of control was magnified over ten years ago when I lost my twenty-two year old son in a motorcycle accident.  I was and am completely powerless to change the reality of this great loss.

     In looking at where my fears came from, I have learned the seeds were planted, watered, and grew from wounds in my past experiences.

In Part 3 we will cover The Past.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection

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Becoming Deep Real Authentic Women of God

PART 1 (Disclaimer. This message was written in 2018, however, it is still very applicable today.)

     I have a confession or two that I want to make; I love my gardens.  I love my vegetable garden. My Peaceful Garden I sit and drink my hot tea in. And my flower beds!  I even love to weed my gardens. I know you are thinking I have lost my mind. All I can say is,  it relaxes me. I really enjoy weeding, until I come across the THING. The thing I have to confess to you I really don’t like!  It’s those things that stop my tomatoes from growing big and red and delicious!  It’s tomato worms. I really don’t like tomato worms.  I get excited because I see a nice big tomato growing on the vine and then look closer only to find a tunnel through the underside courtesy of a now plump green tomato worm.  Seeing these creatures leads me to want to ask our God, “Why oh why did you create them?”  

     I know they must have a purpose or God would not have created them.  It makes me curious about their purpose because I know they really bother me with their feeding on my beautiful tomatoes.  Well, the tomato worm’s purpose for today is to serve as an illustration for me. Soon after I saw the first plump critter, I realized he is a lot like the enemy of our souls and the barriers  he puts in our paths keeping us from having the connections and relationships God created us for.  The plump lime green critter seeks to feast on my tomatoes and therefore stop me from being able to enjoy some delicious homemade salsa or a slice of fresh tomato on my hamburger.  In a slightly similar fashion, the enemy seeks to devour any chances we have to enjoy and grow in our relationships with our Abba Father and each other.  

     Satan uses many things to attempt to destroy and/or block our relationships. We are just going to focus on four barriers in total. For the next several weeks I will share how we can break free and become Deep Real Authentic Women of God.

     Barriers can be spiritual and/or emotional chains that bind us and keep us from being free to be who God has created us to be.  I am learning when I give God my chains, he breaks me free of them and redeems whatever area of my life I have been in bondage to. The Lord is in the habit of replacing beauty for ashes.

     In preparation for this message, I put out a question on Facebook to see the most common barriers people experience in their relationships with God and others.  While there were a variety of responses, I found many of them fit under similar headings and there were several people with similar responses.  The order I am sharing with you is for the purpose of the flow of the message.

     Next week the barrier discussed will be fear.

#BreakingBarriers#Reconnection

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Mornings with Jesus, Resurrecting Me.

Resurrection Day is coming soon. My mind is on the work Jesus did by going to the Cross. Not only that … also the work he did by taking all my sin, wounds, and yuck to the grave. And then RESURRECTION DAY! The Savior Yeshua (Hebrew) took all yuck to the grave, to Sheol (the dwelling place of the dead), and left it there. He returned with the Light of Life. Resurrection! 

Upon waking this morning, I envisioned the ‘bed of death’ Jesus would have laid on while he was in the tomb for three days. In my mind it looks like a rectangle shaped, tall slab of stone. It’s top smooth to the touch and its sides rough like coarse sandpaper. Jesus was laying there. My little-girl self asked him, “How can I be reconnected to you? How can I be connected with all of who I am?” He drew me onto the bed of death with him.

My Lord wrapped his arms around all the ages of myself as he shared that all the yuck, the sin, the wounds, the mistakes, all of it had to be attached to him so he could take it to the place of the dead to stay there for eternity. 

Scripture I was brought to during my devotional time:

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners, 

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor. (Isaiah 61:1-3 NIV)

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10 NIV)

Back to when I was first awake and envisioning the ‘bed of death.’ Holy Spirit lead me to think about by putting all the wounds, sins, mistakes, and yuck into Jesus’ hands, he is resurrecting me with him. He is the Light of Life. To be resurrected with Jesus is to live in the newness of his life, his light.

Our Lord Jesus has already taken the ‘dead things’ to the grave because of his grace. He is and will be resurrecting life and light in and through the people of God.

From ‘bed of death’ (tomb) to ‘Light of Life’ (ALIVE). Thank you, Jesus, for giving us new life!

Applying this to my life (or yours): Write. Put sin, wounds, mistakes, regrets on the ‘bed of death’ (aka. Invite Jesus into your pain, allow him to help you process it, and then hand it over to him.). And then live fully alive in his Light. 

#deathtolife#Jesus#alive! 

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Beautiful Me

Beautiful isn’t an adjective I would generally use to describe myself throughout my life. Even though I’ve had several people say it about me, the one person who basically called me ‘not beautiful’ left his mark on my heart at the tender age of eight.

     It was in this season that multiple life circumstances shaped how I saw myself. What I believed about the little girl named Amy Elizabeth.

     My mom was in a mental hospital. At this time, mental health professionals were using shock therapy as treatment  for disorders of the mind. In my memory, a very dear family member took my sister and I to visit our mom. Unfortunately, when it was my turn to go in to see her she was returning to her room directly following a treatment. We were in the hallway as my mom passed through. I knew who she was. She didn’t know me. I was crushed.

     According to my memory, during this time of mom’s hospitalization, my sister and I were staying with our grandparents. Besides the stress of my mom being away from home, I was very fearful of my grandparents. They made it well known of their dislike of me and how I apparently did wrong punishable things always.

     Pity. No pity. Just my reality. Fear. Anxiety. Nail biting. Hiding.

     What I believed about myself was vocalized at my First Communion. Mom in the hospital, grandmother to prepare me for the big day. Dad was there. A couple of mom’s friends were there. During the ceremony, those observing their First Communion were to go to their families to shake hands or something. Mom’s friends stopped the ceremony as they wanted me to pose for a photo. Embarrassment overtook me as it seemed everyone was staring at me. 

     At the end of the ceremony, I was standing with the other girls who took part in the ceremony. The professional photographer approached our little huddle. My heart sank when he called off all the girls’ names except mine and then directed, “All you beautiful girls, follow me.” Heard loud and clear, “Amy, you aren’t beautiful.” I wish I could say I shook it off because I knew my identity and worth in Christ. I can’t say that because I didn’t have that knowledge or understanding.

     To multiply the injury, the photographer also took my school pictures every year so annually I had to face the man who told me I wasn’t beautiful. It was a constant reminder.

     So, why am I rehashing these painful memories now? It’s because I am journeying through the photos of my life in an effort to allow God’s healing balm to be slathered over the wounds of my life. I’m currently hovering over this season of being seven and eight. This journey is taking me through long since forgotten memories that are resurfacing for me to process them with my God. I’m walking through forgiveness, for others, myself, and God. Accepting forgiveness and offering caring to myself where it’s needed. I can’t do this without God.

     I WANT HEALING! I will walk the path God has laid out for me because he knows what I need to find and live in his healing.

#healing #selfbelief #faith #wordsmatter

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There’s Manure?

Through a meditation, I was prompted to ask God, “Light of the World, shine your light on the corners of my soul and show me what’s there.” In my mind, I heard, “There’s manure.” My thoughts traveled to poop? There’s poop? Excrement? Remains of dead things already digested and passed through. WHAT?

Next thought … It’s time to shovel the pooh away. Allow it to be used as fertilizer for whatever God will grow. The beautiful garden he’s planned for, in my soul.

This is a truly interesting train of thought. At first it seems pretty bizarre, that is until I dove in deeper to the significance of manure.

“Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’ “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’” (Luke 13:6-9 NIV)

Jesus shared this parable about the gardener’s plea for the property owner to give the fig tree one more growth year to produce fruit. In return, the gardener would nurture the tree. Fertilize it. Care for it. According to commentary notes I read in my study Bible, it actually takes four to five years for fig trees to bear fruit. The property owner only wanted to give the tree three years. The gardener would have known more about the needs of the growing tree. The mention of fertilizing the tree indicates that the man who tended to the crops would do everything he could to save the tree. To give it a chance to produce the desired fruit. The vineyard owner was impatient. The gardener was gracious and patient.

I’m working out what this passage has to do with me having manure in my soul. The remains of digested dead things.

This thought train leads me to a guided prayer I took part in later, in the same day as the earlier mentioned meditation. In this visualization, I was standing in my backyard with an ax in my right hand. It was hanging down by my side. The anger bubbling up in my gut wanted to come out through the swinging of the ax into the large log of wood resting on the ground in front of me. I could sense Abba Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit standing with me encircling the log. As prompted, I asked Jesus what he wanted me to do. “Hand me the ax,” was his reply. I complied with his request. I could see the mound of wood to be split that lay in the distance.

As I stand there, Jesus surrounds me with his presence and wraps his arms around mine cupping his hands over mine. He put the ax back in my hands, only this time his hands were securely around mine. He lovingly said, “You’ve been trying to do all this on your own. I’ve given you this tool and you’re not using it. We are going to cut the wood together.” 

Where do these story elements take you? Other than frustrated because I didn’t put it all together for you. I would love to read about your own thoughts. Please share them. 

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The Mirror was Cloudy

 As I entered my room, I saw the bathroom mirror was slightly cloudy.

I’m struggling to admit and recognize where I am. I’m struggling to accept that, even though I ‘know’ Truth, those words could be said by God, or anyone else, to me. I know the ugliness inside of me. I feel like I don’t deserve God’s love and forgiveness even though I know we all fall short. I feel closed off. I feel like an imposter.

To trust … I have to let my guard down.

I want to be seen and known and at the same time, I want to hide. I want to be seen and known by Jesus. Shame over past decisions of my own and others made for me, make me want to hide.

The mirror is more cloudy.

I keep holding onto my sin as a badge, allowing the enemy to keep a grip on me. UGH!

“Open, shut them, open, shut them,” this childhood song plays in my mind as I see the pattern of my own making. I start to open up to what God is saying to me, and just that quickly, I shut down. I start to open up again and soon the vault door closes … again. 

My habits have muscle memory. 

I couldn’t sing ‘Run to the Father’ because I felt that I didn’t deserve to run to the Father and be comforted by him.

God is always healing. I want to accept his healing. Jesus goes out of his way to meet with me. Jesus does not condemn me. He is so kind.

The mirror is more cloudy. 

I need to realize where I am. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus came so that I may have a full life.

In prayer, I see myself on a bluff with the Holy Spirit. He’s tall, strong, loving, and comforting. He gave me the name Domicile. I am a dwelling place, a home. He embraces me with his strong arms and I lean into his chest. 

I see many trees with beautifully colored Autumn leaves. A canopy of beauty. 

God is inviting me to come out of hiding. 

The mirror is cloudy because I haven’t been seeing myself clearly. 

A realization that I’m in a battle over my beauty. 

A false belief my whole life that I can’t be beautiful. I’m forced to search for the reasons why I have believed this.

~ As a little girl, I was constantly called a boy no matter how I was dressed or how long my hair was. Conclusion: Boys can’t be beautiful.

~ Comparing myself to others. If they are the standard for beauty, I can’t be beautiful because I don’t look like them.

~ I’ve sinned. I’ve made wrong choices. I’ve thought ugly thoughts. Conclusion: I can’t be beautiful. I can’t look at God or others in the eye because of my ugly sin.

~ The belief that I will never measure up to _____ so I can’t be beautiful.

“Please Lord Jesus, help me to see myself as your bride.”

“My Beloved, will you be my bride?”

“Yes, I will.”

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My Wilderness Journey

  In the book of Numbers chapter thirty-four, Moses’ recounted the long journey he and the Israelites had through the wilderness. This passage reminds me of my own journey in the last thirty plus years and how recounting it could help me to see how far the Lord has brought me. At times, I can get down on myself by thinking ‘I should be further in my faith and healing than I am.’ The truth is … I’ve come a long way because of the Holy Spirit’s work in me.

     My personal ‘Egypt’ was full of wrong choices, shame, and living out of the lies I have believed about God, myself, and others since childhood. Lies about who I am and my value. This led to regrettable choices and burdensome shame.

     My two kiddos were preschoolers when I came to the end of myself and cried out for help. Since then I’ve been living in the ‘already and not yet’ wilderness. Already because Jesus has saved me. Not yet because the Holy Spirit is still transforming me into the person God created me to be. Who I will be in the eternal Promised Land (heaven).

     My wilderness trek began in 1997, when I surrendered my life to Jesus. Since then, the many moves my husband and I have made, all had a purpose. Not that we knew that then. No matter the reason for the move, I experienced growth in some area of my being. I can see now that sometimes I was running from my childhood wounds. Avoidance is truly a defense mechanism. In recent years, God has directed our moves and with them been bringing me closer to healing. As with the Israelites in the wilderness, getting ‘Egypt’ out of me is a long process.

     In many biblical examples, I can see parts of my own life. Currently, the story I resonate most with is the Isrealites wandering the desert. Forty years in the wilderness. Who would sign up for that? It doesn’t matter the name of the wilderness, it’s still what it is … unknown future. Unknown obstacles. Unknown dangers. The Israelites left the land of Egypt and its slavery to travel into an unknown ‘Promised Land’ to worship their God. 

     For the Israelites, each stop along their journey meant another area of refining that needed to be done to prepare them for the Promised Land. Laws. Festivals. Punishments. Rescue. All these things and more were a part of their journey. There were several generations of habits, traditions, and misbeliefs that God was working out of them. It took generations for God’s people to get to the mind space they were in; it would take time to replace the wrong way of living with God’s way. The lessons they learned. The Lord hearing their cries. Bringing them out of physical slavery. Then all the years following where God patiently built up Moses as a respected leader, established laws for right living as his people, and freeing them from emotional and spiritual slavery.

     My own road feels very similar to the bumpy one the Israelites traveled. Someday I will reach my Promised Land and spend eternity with God. Until then … I will look for the cloud by day and the fire by night to know where my Lord is leading me. Whether it’s forty years or eighty.

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